WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine?
Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it.
If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually
speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen.
Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.


MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL.
You will never see it again.

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at a 90 degree angle,
wrapped in a baby mattress, in case they set one of their dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire;
then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom
when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

DEPRESSED people, Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving.
Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping,
looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home
at exactly 60mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out of the pan.

ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from.
Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

SCI-FI FANS. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka.
You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your
existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door.
This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed

BOMB disposal experts' wives.
Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books.
Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down
its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when
attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a
name plaque for your des

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know
where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch
when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room
for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the
channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is.
Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do
this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I
paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a
choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then
there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there
must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the longest
damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come
yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Kn*b head?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So
what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's
really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an
image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't
insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a
McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks. Well I'll have a
McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f*cking McTosser.

14. When your involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?'
Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.

A girl came skipping home from primary school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today and all the other kids could only count to 4, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3,

4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mother.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes it's because you're blonde!"

The following day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we

showered all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She

lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"



"No, honey, it's because you're 24."