close
Video Box
Having AutoPlay on gives you the best media experience on Bebo. When you visit another user's profile, their Video Box will automatically start playing their current favorite video.
You can change your account settings at anytime here: account settings
close
Blog
-
I'm feeling so unwell; won't you pretend to care just a little bit?
When they put me to sleep, I don't want to dream of you. I don't want to see the insignificance of my presence in your sight. I don't want to chase away a life that doesn't wants to be chased. When I am asleep, I don't want to see you at all. I don't want to hear your insults attached to my name. I don't want to hear your reasons being deafened by the silence. I don't want the answers, don't want to know anything. I don't want to know if you're okay; if you're perfectly fine or still crying yourself to sleep. No, I don't want to know about you at all.
And when I wake up, I don't want to see you standing there by my side. I don't want to feel your hands holding onto mine. I don't want your sympathetic words being whispered in my ears. I don't want you to come and visit, don't want you to pretend like you still care. I don't want you to come anywhere near me, don't come at all, because when you decide that you want to leave again, I'm the one who's going to be lonely.
You used to hold my hand every little step of the way because I was an incapable jerk who couldn't walk her own life alone. You used to be there to say, to reassure me that everything was going to be okay, because I couldn't find the courage in myself to believe it. But tell me, please, now that you're gone, who's going to be the one to tell me all those manipulating lies? Who's going to lie to me, to tell me that time changes everything; that it'll heal the aches and the wounds? Nobody, because time has passed one too many times, and I'm still in the same old pain; caught in the same state of mind.
I'm sorry to have trusted you not to hurt me. I'm sorry to have believed every word of your lies. I'm sorry I'm not your friend. But most importantly, I'm sorry for writing a blog of lies.
-
"Guess you never really notice what you got until you finally realise she could be gone..."
Jesse McCartney - That Was Then
I constantly feel anger and frustration building up from within me. I constantly feel my hands forming the shape of unwanted fists, but I'm never really able to punch my frustrations upon that wall standing over there. What if I hurt it? What if I hurt myself? It's something that I can't bring myself to do. And what if people cast an unwanted stereotype upon my unspoken name because they realise how incapable I am? What if they find out? What if they don't understand it like she might've? Self control; it's what's separating my pride from my insecruties.
My head is so all over the place. My mind is here, but my heart's way over there. I don't really know what I want, because what I want isn't what everybody thinks I need. They disapprove. They disagree with the idea altogether. It's so frustrating to want something so much that my heart breaks over and over again, yet still be wise enough to know that it'd be no good for me and my fragile state of mind. I can't understand any of it. Is it wisdom, or pure pride in the making? I just don't get it.
Nobody knows, but sometimes I just want to scream out in the middle of the street, "Hey! I really miss you!" and hope you might hear me somehow. But common sense forbids me from the rather public embarassment. Sometimes, I want to call your mobile just to hear your voice say hello; just to know that you're still out there somewhere. But every time I go looking for your number, I realise that I've deleted it. I've completely erased it. So I get through the rest of the day, trying so hard to remember that number that once had your name. Then I remember that I still have all your text messages. Reading them, I try so hard not to cry, especially when I come by that text that read, "Hey, nothing ever stays the same. i'd give you a hug but you're so far away. hope you feel better soon. love you heaps." and that one that says, "i love you baby just remember that." I do remember it, I do. Question is, do you? But I guess what's worse is that sometimes, I want to catch a train to where you are, just so I can walk down your street, on the other side of the road, so that my memories won't fade away. There are so many things I would do, but can't because I restrict myself from looking like the weaker one.
Two o'clock in the morning and I'm still awake. The only thing to run through my mind is, "Is she okay? Does she still cry herself to sleep? Can she even sleep at night? How's her Mother? How's her family? How's everything been going? Will she ever let me back into her life again? Are we ever going to accidentally meet just like the other day?" Three o'clock, and I'm still thinking. Teardrops have already started forming in my eyes, but they never find the time to fall. I replay the same events of that day over and over again with a different ending each time. What if I had waved? What if I had said hello? What if I had introduced myself like a total stranger? What if we just started all over again? But what ifs are only what ifs...
I can only imagine what you'd do, if I were to put my hand out and say, "Hi, I'm Linh. What's your name?" I can only use what you've told me and say that your heart would probably break at the insignificance of your name in the tone of my voice. But that's only what I want to happen. I want you to feel what I do. I want you to break apart, to regret the fact that I'm not there anymore. I want you to feel what I have to feel every day of my living life, because that's what you deserve. But that's mean and selfish for me to say. That's inappropriate, and although I sometimes wish that upon you, I can't bring myself to hate you anymore. You deserve so much more than what this life has given to you. You deserve so much more.
Thirteen days until I turn sixteen. Thirteen days before I turn another year older. What's
-
So it's 1230 AM, on a school night, and I haven't even attempted to sleep. My eyes are a little on the heavy side (tired), but they won't stay close for long enough. Not really sure why that is, so let's not ask.
Lately, I've been all over the place, literally. Happy one moment, reminiscing the next. Before I know, I've got stupid tears rolling from my eyes (not literally). But I do think a lot, especially when I'm alone. And that's not good. That's not good at all.
Truth is, I still sort of miss you. Think about you every now and then, but I bet you don't think of me at all, right? I'm just some shadow that used to be colourful, right? That's okay. I don't mind. I've learnt to live without you just as I jave learnt to smile like tomorrow will never come. It all comes with a little practice.
I'm so stupid. But I tried to replace you, but nobody will be another you. And believe me, a lot of my friend dislike you very much, but I can't seem to find that hatred within my own heart. They weren't even the ones who got hurt!
Emotions run wild every now and then. I miss you so much I want to cry. But then I miss you so much it doesn't hurt anymore. I don't really know what I feel, but what I do know is that, I am fine without you. Come back and maybe I'll let you in.
If i can walk away from you in my daydream, what's there to say I can't in reality?
<3 t t L
|  |
|
You should post your work on
www.gotcrowd.com
C-ya
loving the poems
thanks
heres sum luv for helping lol
hayy
i luv all ur poems
oh yeah and how do you make a group like this cause i really wana kno how lol
how awesome
i actually have a comment
rawwr