sex starts

...a smile leads to a laugh

...a laugh leads to a high 5

...a high 5 leads to a hug

...a hug leads to a kiss

...a kiss leads 2 makeout

...a makeout leads 2 finger

...a finger leads to a hand

...a hand leads to a lick

...a lick leads to a suck

...a suck leads 2 a fuck.

...So tell me how many people are you gonna smile at after you heard this cuz sex is like math.

...u add the bed

..subtract the clothes

...divide the legs

...leave your solution

...and pray you dont multiply

 

NAME:Start As You Mean To Go On

We all enter this world in the same way
Soaked in blood, screaming and quite bare
But if you live your life in the right way
That kind of thing doesn't have to stop there



NAME lown Away
Women differ in many ways
From an inflatable counterpart
Inflatables don’t answer back
Or take an age to get ready for a start

But the thing they have in common
Which will make you frown
Neither of them are any fun at all
When you’ve let them down.



NAME:Monumental Erections
The Egyptians built the pyramids
The Greeks the parthenon
Prehistoric man built monoliths
Of which Stonehenge is one

But modern man's only monument
To his enduring might
Is a glass-clad priapic phallus
Six hundred feet in height


NAME:A Limerick Limerick
There was a young man from Limerick
Who bought a rhyming dictionary
‘Well fuck a duck
That's just my luck
I'll have to move to Tiperarry’


NAME:Coming Unstuck
If you surf the Internet
For the obscene
You may end up, literally,
Glued to your screen


NAME:Monopoly
If monopolies are so bad
Because of competition
Why is there only one
Monopolies commission


NAME:Criminal Records
The metropolitan police arrested a man
He wasn’t a Londoner he was from Iran
What’s his form they would like to know
There’s nothing about him at the C.R.O.
They decided to call the police in Tehran
To see if they had anything on the man
And he had a record in Iran you know
According to those at the Iranian C.R.O.
Two previous convictions for a start
In a box were a hand and a private part
With two priors don’t let him escape
He had one for theft and one for rape


NAME:A Little Off the Top
On my last visit to the hair dresser
I was asked “Something for the weekend sir”?
Well I was taken aback without a doubt
I replied “Do you have any tiling grout”?


NAME:Two Lovely Black Eyes
When George arrived at work on Monday morning
Both of his eyes are blacked to his friend’s surprise
His friend looked at him in disbelief and then asked
"George how the hell did you get two black eyes?"
"It was as I was walking up some steps yesterday
And in front of me was a pretty girl, if a little stout
And I noticed her dress was tucked in her knickers”
“Well” He said “I just reached up and pulled it out."
"Well that explains one black eye, but how on earth
Did you get the other one?" He asked with a grin
George said, "Well I assumed she wanted it that way
So I reached up with my finger and poked it back in."


NAME: Old Madam
I was confronted by my mother in law
And as I fell under her icy stare
I asked “Shouldn’t you be knitting
Under a guillotine somewhere?


NAME:Testing
I awake to hear
The tell tale clink
Of a Pyrex jug
Hitting the bathroom sink
The tell tale sound
Of Pyrex on porcelain
Means only one thing
She’s pregnant again


NAME:Meal Deal
The kids have a happy meal
When we go to McDonalds
Why don’t they extend the range?
To meet demands at Ronald’s
As we’re not always happy
Hysterical or even jolly
What about manic-depressives
And the sad and the melancholy
Instead of a plastic toy
Perhaps a more practical addition
With every melancholy meal
A pot of Valium or Mogadon

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two chunks of bread.



Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.



Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
said "F*ck him, He's only an egg.



Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay.



Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
to have some hanky panky.
Silly Jill forgot her pill
And now there's little Franky.



Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over
Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.



Little Boy Blew.
Hey. He needed the money.



Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her thighs
Mary had another skirt
twas split right up the front
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her ......
(but she didn't wear that one very often)