Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Noris can piss his name into concrete.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

When Chuck Norris is put in a straight jacket to be contained, he doesn't go insane, the jacket does. NOBODY tries to contain Chuck Norris.

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through dry land.

Chuck Noris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

When Chuck Norris has sex with men, it is not because he is gay, but because he has ran out of women.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

Chuck Noris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.

Chuck Noris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas when he goes to sleep.

Chuck Norris does not need to use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford changes its actual spelling.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

There is no chin under Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris once challanged Lance Armstring in a "Who has more testicles" contest. Chuck Norris won... by five.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can beat the Sun in a staring contest.

Chuck Noris has already been to Mars. That's why there are no signs of life there.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

Chuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years.

Chuck Norris CAN eat just one Lay's potato chip.

A roundhouse kick by Chuck Norris is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

There is no such thing as a lesbian, there are just girls who have never met Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.

Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Noris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris doesn't chew gum. Chuck Norris chews tin foil.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris is actually Jeeves from AskJeeves.com.

Chuck Norris invented the beard.

When Chuck Norris runs with scissors other people get hurt.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

My freedom is best
Whole country's on house arrest
And everyone's a suspect
You can't feel the flow because you died
Face down on a "suicide"
The muthafucker's on self-destruct
Nobody guardin' your back, it's all a front
Save this! My rage is bliss!
I'm takin' names and gettin' pissed!

Where's Chuck D when ya need him?
You ain't shit, just a puddle on the
Bed spread
The maniac psycho
Cool j screamed the shit
But I still can't believe it
Man, it's funny that you scare me so
Just enough to fuck me up again and again
Hard life is hard as hell
Better back the fuck on up
Cuz this is...

No kind of life! This is no kind of life!
(I've got to get out!)
It's no kind of life! This is no kind of life!
(You can't blame me!)

Can't be real no more - Your mask is skin and bone
Savor every flavor you want cuz it's not your own
Bad-ass at bat, man
Forget about the battle, it's the war we gotta win
Breathe! Amer-cult, Breathe! On more - Seethe!
Freak like you gotta pair
Won't be my fault
When you're painted in the corner of a no-good life
This is...

No kind of life! This is no kind of life!
(I've got to get out!)
It's no kind of life! This is no kind of life!
(You can't blame me!)

I can't remember, I don't understand,
Is it malice that makes you this way?
Carry it with you 'til someone forgives you
I laugh cuz there's nothing to say
You can't begin to consider the
Palpable hate in the air when you're here
None of us wonder what weather you're under
You're making it perfectly clear!

Lights ain't on - shit ain't right
Never had peace so I had to fight
Can you look in my eyes when my back's against
The wall, slash at my eyes, surprise, you'll never get me
You're all reality and sound bites
And the freedom is never in plain sight
The feelings, the question, the price is too
Human, for fucking sake - This is...

No kind of life! This is no kind of life!
(I've got to get out!)
It's no kind of life! This is no kind of life!
(You can't blame me!)

sometimes when i do a handstand
it looks like
i'm holding up the world
especially if

you look from a distance
and i say,
"i got it. i got it."