I'm goin tae tell a story aboot a gig we did
da folk at flints asked wiz tae play so we towt we miby wid
dae'd organised dis grand affair in aid o charity
wee da money goin tae a worthy cause it seemed worthwhile tae me
so we loadid up da vehicles wee amps an instruments
an set aff intae da toon bound fur captain flints
but on dis windy friday night da scotty boats wir in
an wee da boys hivin nithin else tae do wir takin twartree tins
whin we finaly got tae flints it lookit braaly foo
wee fishermen fae peterhead, banff an buckie too
wee yun mony scotty boys you cood nearly guarantee
a fight or twa wid likley ruin wir peerie bit o spree
da folk at flints hid organised a raffle an some games
whar you'd pay a pound tae git a chance tae guess da parrots name
so I got me raffle lines an den set up da gair
an jamie got a roond in tae me dat did seem fair
whin we finally started boy whit a spree we hid
wee people jiggin in dir seats da wie you hoop dae wid
but it wizna leng afore twa boys cam rummlin doon da stair
wan o dim pickit up a bottle da idir got a chair
da fight went ragin on a start but we didna stop da tune
an da news o dis oncarry shun got across da toon
be noo da police wir in dir car an quickly on dir wie
just in time fur wiz tae start da fields o athenry
it wizna leng afore da fight wiz ootside in da street
as far as entertainment goes wee dat you canna compete
a muckle crood o folk hid geen furt tae watch da fight
whin fae da windoo I cood see da blue flashin lights
whin we stoppit fur a brak I went tae see da miss
wee brokin glass an pool cues strewn aa aboot da place
wee dis oncarry da raffle wiz runnin late
so whin it finally started dir wiz lots o empty seats
whin da raffle feeneeshed da prizes lay unclaimed
an we nivir got a chance tae hear yun parrots name
da police ir tryin tae fin oot whits fact or speculation
so dae took da parrots name tae help dir investigation

Aye aye foos it goin? miss us?

We have an immence of gigs comin up to take us through till christmas.

A big congrats to mark and elaine to the safe arrival of yet another peerie Scaldin Bratt.
BIG HUGS AND KISSES FAE ALL O WIS!!

11am...git tae boatin club, realise its just me an maurice dair. Tak in wir gair an stand aboot, watch da wifey (furgot hir name) shiv aa da tables an chairs awa. Windir why dae hae a plaque dat simply says 'swallows' abin da fireplace.

11:30am....First can o da day (maurice has an alcohol free becks, says it tastes ok. Frankly a beer without the effect is just greth)

11:45am....Aabody else turns up an we cin set up. Rip intae each idir fur hivin a hangowir (as it turns oot none o wiz iz joost dat bad)

12 noon....supposed tae start gig, still just takin da piss

12:20pm....Finally start gig tae aboot haf a dizin faimily members an da bar staff

1pm....Fag break

1:15....Bak tae bizniz

1:30pm....Jarl squad turn up, mak a lot o noise, some do a bit o dancin. Spill me red bull owir me mandolin strap, greet an winge ciz its sticky

2pm.... do an encore den start stripin aa da gair quickly tae flit owir da road tae da mid brae. Seems tae be a bit o a rush tae git it dun

2:20pm....Cars loadid an first bunch o fok mak fur da mid brae

2:30pm....Me, jamie an susan ir still at da boatin club waitin fur a lift, hae anidir red bull (pupils startin tae twitch)

2:40pm... Arrive at da mid brae, start settin up agaieen. Fukin hungry noo so hae anidir red bull

3:10pm.... Wir ready tae go but maurice, mark an peter ir just gottin burgers an chips, wish I thought o dat, duzna help me hunger (rumble).

3:15pm....Wir undir wie. Da place is pinned, some fok start tae dance, cool. Marks kit izna goin tae stay still so use da ingenious method o a chair an a tom (ratter dat is) in front o it

4pm....Goin great, fok dancin an singin aleng, s'wit yoo want, anidir dram an marks lookin a bit glased. Do country roads an da place goes fkin nuts, start tae look lik bonny langford. anidir red bull. Tom gits bored o sittin afore da drum kit, so insues a game o musical chairs (fur da rest o da gig)

4:10pm....Fag break. Jamies voice soonds lik gravel owir a tin roof

4:40pm....Start agaieen. Fok seem tae be enjoyin it, maks wiz blyde. Realise I need a pee, wish I went airlyir

4:30pm....RRRRRealy need a pee, canna stop diddlin (its no da music) anidir red bull. RRRRealy need a pee

5:15pm.... Feeneeshed aa wir songs so start repeatin an doin requests, gotta do country roads agaieen. RRRRREEEEEEAAAAALLLLLYYYY need a pee, nivir mind, nearly feeneeshed. Anidir dram

6pm....Oh thank christ, wir feeneeshed I cin go fur a pee. Crood want an encore (da buggirs) Play fur anidir 15 odd meenits, feels lik an eternity

6:15ish pm....AAAAAAHHHHH, sweet relief, I git tae pee noo. Anidir red bull. Git bidin tae da galley shed tae play fur a start but graciously decline, really appreciate the invite tho ( ta willie)
Yun gig is goin tae tak a lot o beatin, ta tae aabody dat did da singin, dancin, faain owir, spillin drinks an onything else dats involved in a top class gig