The last few weeks in Metalurgey Uncovered has seen the an alarming upsurge in a strange but oh so common event…”ned groping”…yup people its out there…sometimes we have to leave the Metalurgey mansion and eat and stuff like that…while Cammy and myself were moshing up to Tesco to buy some food ( (chicken )..or noodles..for the noodler..we cant disclose the identity of the noodler at this time but what I can say is keep an eye out for the new batman film )..yes so as we casually moshed up to the shops..in our summer tweeds of course enjoying the sunny weather..with the tats oot…a well trackied up crack addict looking Ned rolls up and touches Cammy arm..getting his wee grope in before asking in his whiney horrible Ned voice..” is that a tattoo??..wiz it sare mate”..we ignored and returned to the mansion…had this been a one off we could have gotten over it..but only today I was Ned groped and also asked if it was sare by a trackie wearing donut on the train…and not so long ago while in the dance music mecca..also known as The Plough Inn..in Forfar..is a little like Cream fields..but with no cream, no fields and no fucking people…anyway..Cammy, Andy and I were standing playing the puggie when this wee dude sneaks up behind us..he didn’t look too dissimilar to Gollum from lord of the rings..in a trackie… first of all he notices Cammy`s black arm, then Andys sleeve , then mine..then he goes round Ned groping us all one by one “that’s a big erm” “that’s a big erm” “that’s a big erm” then of course…”wiz it sare mate?”..but this Ned wasn’t happy with that..he proceeded to tell us his erm was too small for a tattoo..he saw one of Jesus Christ..and it was “smert” but it would “look like a prune” on his wee erm..I suggested he get baby jesus instead..but he intelligently shot that idea down..saying “but nobody would ken fa it is”..we then left him to it…

So people you see the problem, and don’t worry for we are here to help…we are getting together and forming N.G.S.G…Ned Groping Support Group..weekly meetings coffee mornings etc…we are there for you!! Were thinking of a benefit gig..a raffle..tumbola..car booter etc..get involved people, get interested, this problem wont just go away! With your help we can make the streets safe for all of us..

A.O.B (any other business) ( for all you trumpets that havent done proper meetings `n` that like us)

There was a wee bit of Spaceballin`…Cammy did a wee bit of Raving Dj`n laying down more donks than the Blackout Crew could ever dream of!!..Dik did some Jean Michelle Jarre type shit with lights,lasers, and a Blue Peter type effort with some wool and some staples..good time was had by all..

Poppy phoned a customer and left a message for Gam…only to learn later the G was infact an L with an I attached..that spells Liam Poppy….

We had a wee staff night oot to the cinema..we say IRON fucking MAN!!!..and spent the next few days all being iron man..Cammy had a pot on his head and wouldn’t go to bed without it!!…but we are still iron man until Hell Boy 2 is out then we will be him…

Appart from all that it has just been creeping, dry humping, pirecing,tattooing,eating and smiling…until next time dudes..keep it real..J and for fuck sake watch out for those Neds!!…next time it could be you…but do sleep well…

This week started off with a troublesome leak in the sex dungeon sterelisation room section of the Metalurgey manner house, Phil swiftly called super mario the plumber ( unknown to Phil super mario had been binging on raw carrots, sweetcorn and an american sized family pack of bran muffins washed down with some massive haggis mix. all will become clear later in this weeks episode of Metalurgey uncovered..or if ur a geek..Dundee Ink ..dunt dunt daaahhh!!)..so super mario arrives...checks out the wee leak...does the Esther Rantzen teeth dryer thing..."ooooh love" (still speaking to Phil) "oooh dun that?" "fucking cowboys" "i dont have the parts on the van love" "ooooffff ..its all to fuck"...once he`d done all his plumbers talk he got to work....rattled his tool box for effect while munching down another 3 or 4 bran muffins...soon he appeared back upstairs in the main hall of the Metalurgey manner, "need to switch the water off folks" "no taps no flushing the toilet"...then..cool as u like nipped off to the bog..and dropped a MASSIVE haggis looking vegetable filled plumbers log!!!!..the dirty layabout over fibred fat smelly slack arsed toilet blocking log laying bastard...without a care in the world leaves it there!!..we could only think he was hoping for some repeat business..that wed have to phone him up to get it removed..maybe get the front window of the shop taken out and have a fork lift scoop the monster oot the pan!..we put up a wee chart to record the flushes it would take to sink the beast...it was sitting at 13..then Phils mum fought it bravely ( like a knight in shining armour taking on a big shit looking dragon..that smells of shit)..using a bucket of hot water...I think she learned that in the S.A.S...anyway we were all saved..and we all lived happily after...the end.