Bebo

I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia.

Geiger was an escaped convict sworn to vengeance on a legendary Mountie who bore an uncanny resemblance to the Canadian actor and comedian, Leslie Nielsen.

(When asked if he knows what it's like to be married to a wonderful man for 14 years): No, I can’t say that I do. I did live with a guy once, though that was just for a couple of years. Usual slurs, rumours, innuendos; people didn’t understand. Ran him out of town like a common pygmy. Sure, he was a physical education major, but he had a mind, he could think. He wasn’t all muscle, all body, all sinewy limbs. He got married you know, later, had three kids. I never cared for her. Sent a nice gift, never got a note. I told him she was wrong. And that younger boy, just like his father: Football hero. Lived with him for a year, it wasn’t the same. Can’t go back.

Being an American, I also know where my strength lies. And that's being as heavily armed as possible.

We're sorry to bother you at such a time like this, Mrs. Twice. We would have come earlier, but your husband wasn't dead then.

I was born by Caesarian section, but you couldn't notice. Except that whenever I leave a house I go out through the window.

Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time! But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story. Holy Shit!

February 13 - Ten years ago I would never have walked into something like this. A bear trap so poorly camouflaged a child would have seen it but I didn't. I pried it open and got my leg out but there was no way I could make it back. I was prepared to die out here. And to be honest, I felt I deserved it. A man gets too old for a job he should know it, and stop. But then Buck found me. I don't know how. No one knew where I was going but he found me and carried me back. Three days over terrain a mule couldn't navigate. Laughing his ass off the entire way. Riding like that, completely helpless, slung over Buck's shoulder and staring down his back I came to understand two things. One, at a certain point in life a man's hips spread and there's nothing you can do about it and two, there's a very easy way to define friendship. A friend is someone who won't stop until he finds you and brings you home.

Where's Zubrus? He's a zamboni! What does that lead to? Powerplay goal!

(When asked how he does his bit for the environment): 'I have all the curly lightbulbs in my house, I don't bathe, I cook over an open fire in the woods. I don't breathe very much and I don't feed my cat. She's a trooper, she's been sticking it out with mice and stuff that come out of the wall. They're recycled mice. I'm guessing they're recycled mice because she kills one and then there's another one there, so where did it come from, you know? The mice, as far as I can tell, don't eat anything.'

Yo! You guys want to move, or you want to find out what fine Italian footwear tastes like?

My father said something that's always stuck with me, Ray. He said 'A man with no future will always run to his past.'

Okay, Lindsay, are you forgetting that I was a professional twice over - an analyst and a therapist. The world's first analrapist.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, 'Steven, how come you never call me?' I said, 'I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it.' He said, 'That's really weird. How long have you had it?' I said, 'I don't know... my calendar has no sevens on it.'

You know my grandfather's name was John Bingo, and he invented the game 'Bingo.'

I went into a clothing store and the lady working there got mad at me, because when she asked me, 'What size are you?' I said, 'Actual.' This ain't a trick, what you see is what you get. She was amazing. I've never met a woman like her before. She showed me to the dressing room and she said, 'If you need anything, I'm Jill.' I thought, 'Oh my god! I've never met a woman like this before, with a conditional identity. What if I don't need anything? Who are you?' 'If you don't need anything, I’m Eugene.'

You take a big chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street, or sticking your face in a fan.

It's not like I can't score goals; I can score goals any time I want to. But you know, I'm doing a role right now and I'm happy doing it. I don't want to jinx it. God, I could score next week.

I come fully equipped with a papoose, I slot in the back like a peanut. Or, if you're against the papoose system, I also come with a wheel - clips into my chin like a skate.

One day I got on the bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl. I sat beside her. I said, 'hi', and she said, 'hi', and then I said, 'Nice day, isn't it?' And she said, 'I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem.' So I asked, 'What's the problem?' She replied, 'I can't tell you. I don't even know you.' I said, 'Well, sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus.' So she said, 'Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys... By the way, my name is Denise.' I said, 'Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein'.

(At the Bonnaroo festival): 'I've found that you really don't have to smoke as much pot if you have a lot of Vicodin. I'm a little high right now. It's a contact high; there's a lot of weed here. We've actually discovered there is a cactus patch over there, so we have been taking cactus derivatives, hallucinogens, since late last night. Our bus is like a giant python at this point, it scares me. The Bonnaroo cocktail: 5 or 6 Advils kills the pain, then a couple of bong hits and you're good to go. And when the mushrooms kick in, forget it. Yeah, fuck it. You're zydeco at that point.'

I figure if I play on the top line, I'll get, like, I don't know, 30 goals, 40 assists. That's about 100 points, I figure.

[to various passerby] You know anything about changing a tire? Wanna help me change a tire here? No? I could use a little help. I need a little assistance. I never took a shop class, and I need a little help. Ok, I'm just coming flat out and saying 'help me'. Anybody want to help a semi-retarded individual change a tire? 25, 30 dollars. 30 dollars to change this tire. 35 dollars to change this tire right now. I'll give you 10 dollars for a verbal response. 10 dollars. Anybody want to make 10 dollars and respond verbally? No?

Okay, who’d like a banger in the mouth? Oh, right. I forgot. Here in the States, you call it a sausage in the mouth.

You wanna know about my thumb do ya boy? Intrigue ya does it boy? My Thumb? Let me tell ya 'bout it. I come from a long line of hitchhikers, all with bleedin' masive thumbs. You see the thumb its a tremendous boom to the hitchhiker, helps with work. Ya know what I mean? Only problem was, when I was a child, my thumb was tiny. Not just tiny like a single sugar puff, Disgusting! Even my own mother would reel back in horror, like an anaconda, 'Aagh! What is it!? Get it out of here! It's tiny! It's horrible, it's revolting! Take your tiny thumb and get out of here and never darken my door again!' she'd say. I had to leave the family unit, in search of a miracle. I wandered the streets, looking for the answer. And people told me of a magic shaman: part man, part hornet. So I went looking for him. I went everywhere. I combed the universe in search of the stripy insect shaman. Turns out he was in a local primary school, in the bin, reeling about with the apple cores. Like they do. And I stood there, with my thumb out, and he stung it, and he stung it. He grabbed onto it, it was like he was making love to it with his sting. In and out, in and out, more and more! Oh the pus, the pain, the black voodoo, the wet jigsaw puzzle! I didn't know what was happening. Oh for days I was in a trance. But when I came to, there it was. Like a fleshy maraca! A thumb of gigantic proportion! 'A miracle!' I said, 'A miracle, you're a true wizard! How can I ever repay ya?' And he said to me, 'Five hundred euros.' 'Five hundred euros!? You won't see penny one from me you slag!' And as I raised my thumb up, to smash his tiny skull in I could see in his little insect face, could see him thinkin', 'Oh, I created that monster! I created that thumb! And now it's killing me! My own beastly creation, killin' me dead. The sweet irony.' I think he was sayin' that, although it was a long time ago. And in hindsight, he coulda just been shittin' himself.

That's Numberwang!

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people in the world?

Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair has put on weight and had a mild stroke.

Well, I've always wanted to remake Annie Hall. Except, I wouldn't want to get in bed with a green producer like a Sofia Coppola though. Oh, but give me an old pro like a Robert Redford. Oh, I'd jump into bed with him in a second. And I wouldn't just lie there, Michael Bluth, if that's what you're thinking.

All religion, my friend, is simply evolved out of fraud, fear, greed, imagination, and poetry

You play here, and I’ve played here for many years now, we do realize that we have the best fans. The team hasn’t won a championship since 1967, they come to the games and support our team and they don’t want anything from us but to do well. Definitely, there are not enough words to say what they mean. They’re the reason why we’re playing.

When I took him in, his eyes were pure hatred. As the door to the prison slammed shut behind me, I could still hear his voice and the words he spit out at me. 'I'll find you Fraser, if it's the last thing I do. I'll track you down and kill you wherever you go.' That night in my cabin I lay there and thought about fear and what it does to a man. How it eats his insides out and takes the best from him. I listened to the wind make the ice flows creak outside and the wolves bay, and a thousand other sounds of the winter night. And as I listened to my heart beat, I released the fear inside me little by little, until it was no longer there. And then I closed my eyes and slept soundly until morning.

In a world spinning rapidly off it's hinges on streets cluttered with hood-wielding thugs peddling disco biscuits and cheap fireworks, who is left to fight for honour, justice and enough loose change for a bottle of Happy Shopper oozo?

'The Bible truly is one of the funniest books I've ever read. ... It was written thousands of years ago, when people were even dumber than they are today. ... It's absurd to believe in that shit.'

(Looking at sheet of paper) Andy...Millman...good...good...Not much theatre work of late...That's fine, you're in good hands here. (Looks up) How do I act so well? What I do is pretend to be the person I am portraying in the film or play. (Pause) You're confused. It's very simple; case in point - Lord Of The Rings. Peter Jackson, comes from New Zealand, says to me, 'Sir Ian, I want you to be Gandalf the wizard.' And I said to him, 'You are aware that I am not really a wizard?' (Pause) And he said, 'Yes I am aware of that. What I want you to do is to use your acting skills to portray... a wizard. For the duration of the film.' So I said ''Ok'', and then I said to myself, 'Mmm... How would I do that?' And this is what I did... I imagined what it would be like to be a wizard and then I pretended and acted in that way on the day. And how did I know what to say? (Whispers) The words were written down for me in a script. How did I know where to stand? People told me. If we were to draw a graph of my process, of my method, it would be something like this. (Gestures with hand as though drawing a graph) Sir Ian, Sir Ian, Sir Ian, 'Action.' (As Gandalf the wizard.) 'Wizard! You shall not pass!' 'Cut.' Sir Ian, Sir Ian, Sir Ian. You see? Now you would be pretending to be John in this play. And how would you know what to say? Well, the words would be in the script. And you would learn the words. You would not have the script on the night. (Turning to others in room.) And that goes for everybody there will be no scripts on the night! (Turning back to a bewildered Andy Millman.) You would learn the words! And you will speak them as if you were seeing them for the first time. (In response to Andy's 'I didn't think we would have the script'.) No but you won't. Because if you did have the script it would break the illusion and the whole thing is illusion, you see. You are not really John! You are pretending. And that... is acting. (Wipes away a tear from his eye.)

The Daily Mail. Racist in public, so you don't have to be!

This is a very happy day Troy. This is a very happy day for this Blackhawk fan because I am never again going to have to see Alexander Karpovtsev in a Blackhawk uniform.You know, Karpovtsev actually is a very good defenseman, I've got to qualify my comments by saying that he is a good defenseman when he plays, and that is the rub. Because Alexander Karpovtsev looks for any excuse not to play and in his time in Chicago he is the worst excuse for a teammate that I have ever seen in my two decades of doing this job. A couple of examples: ten minutes before a warmup a few weeks ago 'my shoulder hurts' and a young defenseman who didn't anticipate playing had to scurry into his uniform and dress for the game. He was ready to come back from an ankle injury earlier this season almost ready to rejoin the lineup, had a collision in practice. 'I have a concussion.' Well, Doctor Karpotvsev always had an excuse, always found a way to milk the system. He came to the Blackhawks, of course, in exchange for Bryan McCabe, who has gone on to be an All Star in Toronto. Even before that, Bryan McCabe was a guy who cared and who tried. The Toronto Players, when that trade was made, said 'we can't believe we got Bryan McCabe for Dean Martin.' Well let me tell you something, Alexander Karpovtsev doesn't sing, and when you are trying to bring along a young team, this is not the kind of veteran that you want around young people in any way, shape or form. That deal was one of the worst deals in the history of the Chicago Blackhawks and when Mike Smith writes his memoirs about his time in Chicago, I have the title for that chapter: disaster! So kudos to Bob Pulford and Dale Tallon for being able to get anything more than a role of tape for this overpaid, underachiever. Alexander Karpovtsev is now the New York Islanders' problem and that will be his last National Hockey League stop. He basically in my opinion was a disgrace to the uniform when he was a member of the Chicago Blackhawks. As he leaves Chicago, I just have one sentiment for Alexander Karpovtsev: Good Riddance!

Mankind must put an end to war before war puts an end to mankind

Oh my word, are we back to the crunch? Oh, here we fucking go...!