A teenager for his eighteenth birthday gets 50 bucks from his dad and his dad tells him to go 2 a hooker bar and get any slut BUT Sandpaper Sally. The guy says "ok", and goes to the place. He finds out there's noone there but Sandpaper Sally so he decides to come back later. After about an hour, he comes back and still only Sandpaper Sally is there, so he says" Screw it, I am not waiting any longer." So he's in there with her and he says" OWWW!!!! Damn that hurts like a bitch!" She says," Hold on a minute." So she goes to the bathroom for about 10 minutes then comes out. They start doing the Matrress Mambo and he says," Wow that feels much better, how'd you do it?" She says" I just picked my scabs.

ARIES Drinking style: Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes
don't know when to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them
prone to closing-time shot contests. They're sloppy, fun drunks, and they
get mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk I as
good way to get what you want out of them, should other methods fail. Aries
can become bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that whatever
happened should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They can be
counted on to do the same for you -- so long as you haven't gone and done
anything really horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini.

TAURUS Drinking style: Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming
for a mellow glow rather than a full-on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated
Taurus is a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-China-shop inebriate
who spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to employers, the
preference for wining and dining (or Bud and buddies) to body shots and
barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us. This is not to say that the
Bull is by any means a teetotaler -- god, no. A squiffy Taurus will get, ER,
gregarious (full of loud mouth soup, some would say) and is extremely
amusing to drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated.

GEMINI Drinking style: Gemini's can drink without changing their behavior
much-- they're so naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it's
just hard to tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with finesse
and allusion, then doing something to belie an extremely advanced state of
intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Gemini's possess the magic ability
to flirt successfully (and uninfuriatingly, which is very tricky) with
several people at once. They like to order different cocktails every round
-- repetition is boring -- and may create a theme (like yellow drinks: beer,
sauvignon blanc and
limoncello) for their own amusement.

CANCER Drinking style: Cancer is a comfort drinker -- and an extra wine with
dinner or an after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can't it,
Cancer darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must guard
against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret parties and
insinuating themselves on VIP lists -- and, in true Hollywood style, Cancers
are never really drunk; instead, they get 'tired and emotional' (read: weepy
when lubricated). But there's nothing better than swapping stories (and
spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with your favorite Cancer. Even
your second-favorite Cancer will do. The sign also rules the flavor vanilla,
and you'd be adored if you served up a vanilla vodka and soda.

LEO Drinking style: Leo likes to drink and dance -- they're often fabulous
dancers, and usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commanding
dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they're quite aware they're
darling -Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know their limit,
probably because they loathe losing self-control. When they get
over-refreshed, expect flirting to ensue -- and perhaps not with the one
what rung them. But Leo's not the type to break rules even when drunk, so
just try to ignore it (try harder, Cancer) and expects a sheepish (and hung
over) Lion to make it up to you the next day. *

VIRGO Drinking style: Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto
their bender. Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking
less than other signs, sure --but it could also lead to drinking booze neat,
to sucking down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They rarely get fully
shellacked -- but, oh, when they do!
Virgo's controlled by the intellect, but there's an unbridled beast lurking
within, and they let it loose when walloped. It's dead sexy (and
surprisingly unsloppy). As one Virgo friend used to declare, 'I'm going to
drink myself into a low-level of intelligence tonight.' A toast to the

I'm sure you can imagine
As plain as can be
The place is Piccadilly
The players He and She.

She whispered, "Will it hurt me?"
"Of course not," answered he.
"It's a very simple process,
You can rely on me."

She said, "I'm very frightened,
I've not had this before.
My friend has had it five times
And said it can be sore."

Then finally contented
Lay back and relax a bit
Quickly and readily he bent over her
And then he started it.

It was growing rather painful
Tears formed in her eyes
It was hurting quite a bit now
It must have been quite a size.

"Calm yourself," he whispered
His face was filled with a grin
"Try and open a bit wider
So I can get it in."

"It's coming now," he whispered
"I know," she cried in bliss
Feeling it deep within her now
She said "I am glad I am having this."

And with a final effort
She gave a frightened shout
He gripped it in anguish
And quickly pulled it out.

She lay back quite contended
Sighed and gave a smile
She said "I'm glad I came now.
You made it worth my while."

Now if you read this carefully
The dentist you will find
Is not what you imagined
It's just your dirty mind!