Hello, and welcome to Kyle Tells It How It Is, the frequently updated (pfft) outlet for my rants and moans about shit that pisses me off. In the last one, we looked at the advent of the steam engine. Or we might as well have, considering how fucking long it's been since the last one.

Anyway, this one shall be covering vampires:

Kyle Tells It How It Is Volume 4: Vampires

"I know what you are."

"Say it. Say it out loud."

"Fucking WHINY VIRGIN."

Vampires! Those mysterious black clad shits are everywhere these days, with the advent of Twilight and the Vampire Chronicles and Vampires Rock! and anything even remotely likely to sell to fat socially-inept teenagers who wish they could stay at home during the day so they don't get their innards pulped in by popular sport-playing morons day after day after painful day.

Of course, despite their hopes and dreams, vampires are nothing more than mythical creatures. And like myths, they have evolved over time and space. So I think before we start to look indepth as to why they're popular, we have to look at a history of vampiric lore. Or, to put it in a less douchebag way:

Kyle's Super Fantastic Guide To Sexy Fanged Pimps

Vampires as a general myth is actually fantastically old, with reports going back as far as the Mesopotamians, an Arabic culture widely regarded as the cradle of civilisation. They had a large number of myths revolving around the bloodsuckers, including the Babylonian demon Lilitu, now known in popular culture as Lilith, one of the ultimate superbitches of Judaism and Christianity.

However, ancient myths were incredibly dull, mostly because there was no sex involved, so they didn't really have a Babylonian equivalent of Edward Cullen.

Vampires were simply regarded as evil shits until the 19th Century, when a story was published. It may completely bore your tits off to know that the first story that sexed up vampirism wasn't actually Bram Stoker's Dracula, but a short story called "The Vampyre" by John William Polidori. The story revolves around a vampire called Lord Ruthven, a mysterious individual who goes around shagging and killing a number of members of the high society.

Dracula of course remains the one we all know and love today. Its portrayal of the titular character as a seductive, gentlemanly sort of fellow who has an eye for young maidens' necks is now a staple of the classic vampire genre, and the character of Dracula inspired about eight million movies, some of which are actually quite good. In particular, Gary Oldman's portrayal of Dracula has become a classic villain, even though he had to act next to the plank of wood that is Keanu Reeves.

There was also a rise during the 20th Century of vampire lesbian movies, all of which were obviously full of creative integrity and not just exploitative shit designed as wank material for vaguely gothic men.

And then something changed. An authoress by the name of Anne Rice released a book called Interview With The Vampire, a book widely regarded as a classic by anyone remotely into vampires. In it, a vampire called Louis is interviewed, making the name delightfully appropriate.

Of course, there's more to the story than that. Louis tells a tragic tale of his turning by sexy pimpmeister Lestat, his homoerotic exploits with said pimpmeister, and just generally being an emo dick.

I'm going to be blunt here. I am not a fan of Interview With The Vampire, although I can appreciate the things it does right. In particular, the character of Claudia, a six year old girl turned into a vampire by Lestat and forced to stay that same age while her mind ages into an intelligent and forthright woman is a fantastically creepy idea. And its portrayal of homosexuality is groundbreaking. Remember of course this book came out in the 80s, a time where AIDS was being blamed on it and Section 28 in Britain was working to outlaw it This made it surprisingly daring and su

It's been a while (as in, a whole fucking year and a lot), but I'm writing another one. And I'm possibly thinking of making this one a short film, as a little project in filmography and broadcast journalism.

In the meantime, have a couple of little extracts from what is going to be the longest and (hopefully) best one yet: a dissection on vampires, the popularity of vampires and Twilight.

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Vampires! Those mysterious black clad shits are everywhere these days, with the advent of Twilight and the Vampire Chronicles and Vampires Rock! and anything even remotely likely to sell to fat socially-inept teenagers who wish they could stay at home during the day so they don't get their innards pulped in by popular sport-playing morons day after day after painful day.

= = =

There was also a rise during the 20th Century of vampire lesbian movies, all of which were obviously full of creative integrity and not just exploitative shit designed as wank material for vaguely gothic men.

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The reason I prefer Angel's brand of whinybitchism over, for example, Louis's is because, while you feel that Louis is just generally a fucknut, Angel has a genuinely depressing list of things to atone for. When he was Angelus, the soulless evil badass version of Angel, he racked up a deathtoll the size of a small continent, committed acts of unspeakable torture, and inflicted the quite shit English accent of Drusilla upon an unsuspecting audience.

= = =

Twilight, the first book in the series, sees author Stephenie Meyer write a book about what she wishes her high school days were like. The main character is Isabella Swann, who moves to the fictional town of Forks, Michigan where she gets a pickup truck. Apparently she's either very attractive or the men of Forks have a massive fetish for pickups, because every boy in the new High School she attends immediately wants to stick their dicks in her.

= = =

The main problem in this book is escalation. Both Bella and Edward become even more selfpitying, and it's difficult to feel sympathy for Bella about the whole thing because...well, she's an absolute bitch in this book. When she's not doing lifethreatening things to feel "closer" to Edward, she's leading Jacob on like a lamb to the slaughter. Edward's too much of a whiny shit to care about anymore, and Jacob's like a docile puppy. Which is hysterical because he's a werewolf, so you should all be pissing yourselves right about now.

HAY KIDS. DO YOU LIKE NIGHTS OUT?

Then you better swing yer ass through to the Ness on Saturday 12th September for a night of fun, frivolity and fucking fabulous banter.

We'll be meeting at about seven o'clock at the good old fashioned Kings Highway (Wetherspoons for those of you who don't work there), and taking it from there. Ideally we'll all end up absolutely wankered, found in the morning headfirst in a bin.

Alas, 18 and over only.

Leave us a comment here saying if you wish to come along and say your tearful farewells to me.