The genius of Peter Kay

1. I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said "Thyroid problem?"

2. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

3. I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

4. I was doing some decorating, so I got out my stepladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

5. Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But on day I turned to my bullies and said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me", and it worked! From then on it was sticks and stones all the way.

6. Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

7. I saw 6 men kicking and punching my mother-in-law. My neighbour said "are you going to help?" I said, "No, 6 should be enough."



Peter Kay's Questions.

1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2. Why cant women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

3. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, "My name is Bob and I'm an alcoholic"?

4. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

5. Why does mineral water that has "trickled through the mountains for centuries" have a use by date?

6. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to horrible crisp that no one would eat?

7. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out"?

8. What to people in China call their good plates?

9. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

11. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

12. Did you ever notice that when you blow into a dogs face, he gets mad at you but when you take him out on a car ride; he sticks his head out of the window?

Peter Kay's Universal Truths:

1. Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2. At the end of every party there's always a girl crying.

3. You're never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

4. Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.

5. Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

6. No-body ever dares to make a cup-a-soup in a bowl.

7. You never know where to look when you're eating a banana.

8. Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

9. Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

10. The most embarrassing thing you can do as a schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.

11. Every bloke at some stage while taking a pee has flushed half way through and raced against the flush.

12. It's impossible to look cool while picking up a Frisbee.

13. You never run out of salt.

14. There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your head or hand stuck in something.

15. Despite constant warning you have never met anyone who has had their arm broken by a swan

16. The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

17. People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.

18. Everyone has had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.