I LOVE This Song!
= I KNOW This Song!

Dude, all the chicks at this party are ugly
= Dude, none of the chicks at this party will talk to me.

Man, I’m hungry
= Man, if I don’t eat right now I am going to be puking all over this bar…again.

You’re really pretty
= I’m going to be really ashamed of it tomorrow but tonight is all about instant gratification, honey.

Want to watch a movie?
= Want to come over to my room for some extremely creepy back rubbing and some equally disturbing neck-nibbling?

I’m soooooooo drunk (said by a girl)
= I’m planting a seed in your head that will eventually grow into a beautiful tree which excuses me from blame for my actions tonight.
(or)
= I'm sooooooooo horny

I just, like, want to help animals, ya know?
= I just, like, want to get in your pants, ya know?

You’re my best friend... man!
= You’re my only friend in arm’s reach right now and I need someone to pay for this shot, man.

I don’t want to ruin the friendship
= You’re a nice girl but you’re very heavy and I’d rather pretend I value our friendship than spend tomorrow dreaming up ways to kill myself.

This is the BEST night of my LIFE!
= This is the BEST night of my WEEKEND!

Let’s take a walk, this bar is crowded
= I prefer my handjobs outdoors.

I’m totally fine
= I’m totally going to be needing a toilet or bucket in about five minutes

What’s up, Bro?
= What’s up, guy-who’s-name-I-can’t-ever-remember?

Who wants to dance?
= Who wants to watch me stumble around the party, waving my arms, spilling my drink and pile-driving my genitals into anything wearing a skirt?

Hey, did you get the notes from Bio?
= Hey, I’m going to ask you about class because I’m too scared to ask you out.

I had, like, ten beers before I even came out
= I'm, like, the kind of guy that lies about how much I drink.

So whose round is it?
= PLEASE DON'T BE MINE PLEASE DON'T BE MINE PLEASE DON'T BE MINE
(or)
= I'm out of money and need someone to buy me drink

I can't believe you're drunk already!
= I've been milking a Miller Lite all night while you've been downing Whiskey Sours.

C'mon, she has nice big tits
= She may well indeed be horrendously fat and I'll take a lot of shit for this tomorrow but I'm going to make petty justifications to satisfy my lust monkey.

Man, check her out.
= I'm way too intoxicated to tell if she's attractive or if she's a three-toed sloth. Your reaction should be helpful in deciding which she is.

She has pretty eyes.
= See "She has big tits"

I'm just too tired.
= Yes... I have whiskey dick (or "brewer's droop" depending on what side of the Atlantic ur from)

This place is shit. Let's go
= I have tried for 45 minutes and can not find a woman I want to have sex with.
(or)
= I got shot down by a couple girls over there and want to leave before they tell every woman in here about my half assed drunken attempts.

You have beautiful eyes
= (And an ugly face)

The crowd was really bad
= I was the best looking person there

The crowd was really snobby.
= I was the ugliest person there

Yeah, all bouncers suck.
= I'm too ugly/drunk/both to get in anywhere

that girl is totally eyeing me
= she glanced and looked away in revulsion

dude, this girl was totally in to me
= she gave me a fake name and left

That fat chick is kinda cute...
= Take my keys away immediately; I am in no condition to be driving tonight.

What are you drinking?
= There is no more beer left. Make me one of those.

This is my beer
= This is really your beer but since you don't remember and this one is more full I'm going to take it.

Drunkerportation
= You're out for a night of drinking when someone calls out "Hey, let's go to (insert place here)!" You blink your eyes once only to realize that you are at said location, with no memory of how you got there, who came with you, or how you got in.

I have to go find