I'm not racist, racism is a crime, and crime is for black people

If you smacked a kid in the face with a bottle of Johnson's No More Tears, would it create beautiful irony?

You shouldn't say anything mean about people who can't read. You should write it instead.

Give a man a match and he'll be warm for a minute; set him on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Imagine there were no hypothetical situations.

Children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause children

The Internet: All the piracy, none of the scurvy.

Solution to two of the world's problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry.

Depression is just anger without enthusiasm.

Tennis is a fickle sport. No matter how good you are at it, a wall will always be better.

Anyone can quit smoking, it takes a real man to fight cancer

He didn't know if it was a gun in her pocket or she was just pleased to see him, but neither option looked good.

Your mum is so fat, she walked past the TV and i missed the first season of Lost.

Sometimes I wake up moody; other times I let her sleep

You\'re like a slinky - completely useless, but fun to push down stairs.

Jesus says to John come forth ill give you eternal life. John came fifth he won a toaster

The last time someone listened to a Bush, a bunch of people wandered in the desert for 40 years

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

If your name was homework, i'de be doing you on my desk right now

The noblest of dogs is the hot dog, it feeds the hand that bites it.

When I said 'death' before 'dishonor,' I meant alphabetically.

I dream of a better tomorrow... where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.

What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot you racist.

Life is like an analogy.

Why do we call them buildings when they're finished? Shouldn't they be called Builts?

Hurricanes are like women: when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car.

When shooting a mime, don't use a silencer or his friends will hear you.

I cry during sex.... fucking Mace

If we're all God's children, what makes Jesus so special?

The axiom of Paris Hilton: "I must go down on what comes up."

You're as innocent as a nun doing press-ups in a cucumber field

Screw me if I'm wrong, but have we met before?

The reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

This girl rang me up one time, she says "come over, nobody is home", I went over, no one was home...

"My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7."
David Beckham

"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league."
Mark Viduka

"Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had."
David Beckham

"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day."
Neville Southall

"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable."
Paul Gascoigne

"I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well."
Alan Shearer

"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona."
Mark Draper

"You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out."
Peter Shilton

"I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester."
Stan Collymore

"I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing."
Ade Akinbiyi

"Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match."
Ian Wright

"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier."
Ugo Ehiogu

"Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesborough."
Jonathan Woodgate

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel."
Stuart Pearce

"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right."
Lee Hendrie

"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country."
Ian Rush

"Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out there today."
Steve Lomas

"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock."
Barry Venison

"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet."
David Beckham

"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European."
Phil Neville

"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed."
Mitchell Thomas

"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best."
Alan Shearer

"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd."
Johnny Giles

"Sometimes in football you have to score goals."
Thierry Henry

>

>Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
>Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
>Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there calls you a fat slut.

>

>Man: Is this seat empty?
>Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
>Man: There's no need to get on your knees and suck on my c&^% just yet

>

>Man: Your place or mine?
>Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
>Man: That's cool, cause after I'm done shagging you in the back of my
>car, I don't give a shit where you go.

>

>Man: So, what do you do for a living?
>Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
>Man: That explains the moustache then!

>

>(CLASSIC!!!!)
>Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
>Woman: Unfertilized.
>Man: No problem, I'll just shoot my load up your arse.

>

>Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
>Woman: But would you stay there?
>Man: Probably, cause you seem like the kind of chick that is
>impossible to shake off once you've been shagged.

>

>Man: Would you like to dance?
>Woman: I'd rather eat glass.
>Man: I think you mis-heard me. I said you look fat in those pants.

>

>Man: Where have you been all my life?
>Woman: Fortunately, somewhere else.
>Man: Just as well cos I've been shagging your mum while your dad watches.

>

>Man: You're pretty
>Woman: Piss off.
>Man: Don't interrupt, You're pretty... ugly, you fat bitch