> My runners smell, - Naful smill auf me tackies,
> Sorry I didn't quite catch that, - Oi wat ar u sayin.
> I was slightly drunk, - I was langers last nite.
> How are you ! - How's it goin sham !
> You silly person - Ya goul ya
> You really are a silly person - Ya goul bag.
> I'm afraid that I can't go for that, - I will en me ring
> Let's go out and get drunk - will we go on the batter?
> May I have a bag of chips with garlic dressing - givus a garlic
chipancheese
> You unlawful person - f*ckin' scobe
> There was quite a lot of people - there was a rake of people
> Running up the street - burnin' up the road
> Will you make love to me - gifs the ride
> Do you understand me - nowah mean man
> I will fight you - i'll claim ya
> Theres a swimming pool in the house - poolnalnit
> Please leave now - goway ou avit
> Run away now - do a legger man
> Have you got a cigarette - giz a fag boss
> Be quiet - whishtt
> Can you ride a horse - canya jock a horse
> Hello, I met you before in a pub but I can't remember your name -
How we doin Bud.....
> Sorry, I didn't quite catch that - whatru sayin.....
> How are you doing - Well, ow we gettin on
> You are a silly person - u lala
> You really are a silly person - your some lala
> Jennifer, would you come here please - Jen-Fer cmere i
wan cha
> Lets drive up and down O'Connell Street in our Johnny Go Fast cars at
3.30am with the 1 petrol we have in the car - mon, we go cruisin'.
> If you continue to talk to me in that tone of voice I will hit you
-cape it up now and I'll bust you.
> I can't think of anything to slag you about, but your last comment
was very funny and everyone is now laughing at me - yah, like ur muther

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in

I\\\'m as sick as a small hospital
· I\\\'m so hungry I\\\'d eat a small child
· She had a face on her like a well slapped arse
· Your\\\' re as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit
· My mouth\\\'s as dry as a nun\\\' s crack
· He has rubber-lined pockets so he can steal soup
· He thinks manual labour is a Spanish musician
· As funny as a burning orphanage
· He\\\'s so camp, he shites tent pegs
· I\\\'m as sick as a plane to Lourdes
· I feel like a boiled shite (hung-over)
· (when leaving) I\\\'m off like a debs dress
· She had a face on her that would drive rats from a barn
· As busy as the Dalkey dole office
· Sweatin\\\' like a paedophile in a Barney suit
· As tight as a nun\\\'s knickers
· I\\\'m so horny I\\\'d get up on the crack of dawn
· I\\\'d crawl a million miles across broken glass to kiss the exhaust of
the van that took her dirty knickers to the laundry.
· Up and down like a hoor\\\'s knickers
· No show pony but would do for a ride around the house
· Did your mother find out who your father is yet?
· What would ye expect from a pig but a grunt
· I left her with a face like a painter\\\' s radio
· A Mickey the size of a double-value can of Right Guard!!
· Jays us, she could breastfeed a crèche
· As fit as a butcher\\\'s dog
· She \\\' s got more chins than a Chinese phone book
· Not even the tide would take her out
· Mother Teresa wouldn\\\' t kiss her
· Daz wouldn\\\'t shift her
· Des Kelly wouldn\\\'t lay her
· A sniper wouldn\\\'t take her out
· Jays us, ya wouldn\\\'t ride her into battle
· If I\\\'d a bag of bruised willies I wouldn\\\'t give her one
· She has a face on her like a bulldog that\\\'s just licked piss off a
nettle
· She wouldn\\\'t get a kick in a stampede
· She had a fanny like a badly packed kebab
· If I\\\'d a garden full of Mickey\\\' s I wouldn\\\'t let her look over the
wall