This is a letter, from God to man:
Hey there. How's it going?
Long time, no see.

I know I haven't been around much lately,
But it didn't seem like you wanted me to be.
The last time I sent down a message,
you nailed it to the cross, so i figure;
I'd just leave you to it.
And let you be your own boss.

But I've been keeping an eye on you, I have, and it's amazing how you've grown.
All your technological advances and the problems you've overthrown.
And all the beautiful art you've created with such grace and such finesse
but I must admit there are a few things that, I'm afraid, have impressed me less.

So I'm writing to apologise for all the horrors committed in my name,
although it was never what I intended, I feel I should take my share of the blame.
A lot of good I tried to do was corrupted when organised religion got into full swing,
what I thought were quite clear messages were taken to unusual extremes.

My teachings where taken out of context to meet the agendas of others,
interpretations were taken in many different ways and hidden meanings "discovered"
Religion became a tool for the weak to control the strong,
with all these new morals and ethics survival of the fittest was gone.
No longer could the biggest man simply take what ever he needed,
because damnation was the price if certain rules were not heeded.

Some of the deeds committed in my name just make me wonder where I went wrong,
back at the start when I "created" all of this, the foundations seemed so strong.
See all the elements were already here, long before I began,
I just kind of put them all together, I didn't really thing out a long term plan.
I made the sun an appropriate distance and laid the stars across the sky,
so you could navigate the globe or simply watch a sunrise.
I covered the earth with plants and fruits, some for sustenance and some for beauty,
and made the sun shine and clouds rain, so that maintenance wasn't your duty.
I tried to give each creature its own attributes but without making them enveloped,
I gave you all your own space to grow and, in your own way, space to develop.
I didn't know that such development would cause rifts and jealousy,
cause you to war against each other and leave marks on this planet indelibly.

You see, I wasn't the creator, I was more the curator of nature,
and I want to set things straight with homosexuals right now: I DON'T HATE YA!
I was a simple being that happened to be the first to yield such powers,
but I just laid the ground, it was you that built the towers.
It was you that invented bombs and the fear that comes with them,
and it was you that invented money, and the corrupt economic systems.
You invented terms like "Just wars" and terms like "Friendly Fire",
and it was you that didn't know when to stop digging deeper and when stop building higher.

Peter (after Lois tells him he's childish): "If I'm a child that means you're a pedophile, and I'll be damned if i'm going stand here and take this from a pervert."

Peter (when he's hungover): This sucks worse than that time I went to that museum. (Flashback to childhood, standing in museum looking at dinosaur
skeltons.)
Peter (as a child): Why did all the dinosaurs die out?
Man at Museum: Because you touch yourself at night.

Peter (narrating his life): "I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me. Of course I'd never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking, but somehow I think she knew. Lois had always been full of energy and life, but lately I had begun to grow more aware of her aging. The bright, exuberant eyes that I had fallen in love with were now beginning to grow dull and listless with the long fatigue of a weary life. (Lois knocks Peter out.)
I woke several hours later in a daze."


Peter - I'm afraid I have some very bad news, your wife's gonna be a vegetable. You're gonna have to bathe her, feed her, and care for her for the rest of your life.
Guy - OH MY GOD!
Peter - No no no, I'm just kiddin. She's dead


Peter: Sometimes it's appropriate to swear
(Peter is in court)
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you god?
Peter: I do........You bastard


Peter: Excuse me, is your refrigerator running?
Because if it is, it probably runs like you - very homosexually

Peter Griffin Quotes (17 - 24 out of 362)
Peter is the head of the Griffin family household. He is one of the most typical males imaginable. He's fat, loves Pawtucket Beer, and is always there for some good physical comedy. Peter used to work at a toy factory and now we're just not sure what he does...


Peter: So uhh, Mr. Pewterschmidt, the big race is tomorrow eh? Bet you're gonna need some strapping men to help you with your boat.
Mr. Pewterschmidt: Are you calling me gay?
Peter: No. No. I just; I just thought you might want some extra seamen on your poopdeck.
Quote Rating: 9.4 outta 10 (Over 307 votes) - Vote Now!

Chris: Dad, what's the blow-hole for?
Peter: I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World.
Quote Rating: 9.4 outta 10 (Over 443 votes) - Vote Now!

Lois: So doctor, is Peter healthy?
Doctor: My goodness, you'll be dead within a month.
Peter: What?
Doctor (revealing comic he was reading): Oh, Hagar the Horrible, if you keep up that lifestyle of pillaging and eating giant turkey legs, you'll be dead within a month. Now, onto you.
Peter: So, what do you think? Pretty healthy, eh?
Doctor: Well, Mr. Griffin, let's take a look at your physical results. Argh! There's a spider in here. Now, here we go. Mr Griffin, you're going to expire in a month.
Peter/Lois: Argh!
Doctor: This is your driver's licence, isn't it? Now, unfortunately, I'm afraid you're going to die...
Peter: Argh!
Doctor: ...when you watch these Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts.
Lois: Will you just tell us how Peter's health is?!
Doctor: Ah, Mr. Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this. Kim Bassinger? Bass singer? Bassinger? But now, onto the cancer.
Lois: Oh my goodness!
Doctor: You are a Cancer, right? You were born in July? Now onto these test results. My, they're much worse than I thought.
Peter/Lois: Oh!
Doctor: My son got a D minus on his history test. Now Mr Griffin, that liver's got to come out.
Lois: What?!
Doctor: It's been in the microwave for three minutes, it'll get dry. Now-
Lois: Please, please, we can't take any more schtick.. Please just tell us, is Peter healthy?
Doctor: Oh, yeah, he's fine, he's just really fat

Lois: Peter, theres a hooker on the bed!
Hooker: Hi.
Peter: Stand perfectly still Lois, their vision is based on movement.
(Pause)
Hooker: Where'd you go?


Glen Quagmire: Hello

Bill Hicks:

I was in Nashville, Tennesee last year, after the show I went to a Waffle House, I'm not proud of it, I was hungry. And I'm alone, I'm eating and I'm reading a book, right? Waitress walks over to me, "Tch tch tch tch. Hey, what you readin' for?" Is that like the weirdest fucking question you've ever heard? Not what am I reading, but what am I reading for. Well, godammit, you stumped me. Why do I read? Well... hmmm... I guess I read for a lot of reasons, and the main one, is so I don't end up being a fucking waffle waitress.

But then... this trucker in the next booth gets up, stands over me, and goes, "Well, looks like we got ourselves a reader." What the fuck's going on here? It's not like I walked into a clan rally in a Boy George outfit, godammit, it's a book!

I've got material planned, I didn't say I'd take fucking requests. OK? I said if you wanted to hear it, I'd stay, I'm not a jukebox. I dunno how much AIDS scares y'all, but I got a theory - the day they come out with a cure for AIDS. Guaranteed, one-shot cure. On that day, there's gonna be fucking in the streets, man. It's over! Who're you? C'mere! What's your name, baby? No, it's over, yeah, woo-hoo! Man, if you can't get laid on that day, cut it off.

How about a positive LSD story, that would be newsworthy. Don't you think? Anybody think that? Just once, to hear a positive LSD story. "Today, a young man on acid, realised that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration. That we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves... here's Tom with the weather."

Are there actually women in the world who do not like to give blowjobs? See a lot of guys on dates got their fingers crossed here tonight... "Answer him, honey, go ahead. Let's hear how you feel about this right now."

A woman one night yelled out, "Yeah, you ever try it?" I said, yeah. Almost broke my back. It's that one vertebrae, I swear to God, it's that close. I think that vertebrae is going to be the thing to go in our next evolutionary step. Just a theory and a fervent prayer. Yeah, now all the guys are going, "Honey, I have no idea what he's talking about. I think he's a devil-child." That may be true, but guys, yoooo u know what I'm talking about. I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight, guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now. Watching an empty stage

Boy, my folks are proud of me. "Bill honey, you still doing that suck your own cock bit?" Yeah, mom. "Good, baby, that's such a crowd-pleaser. How clever of you to come up with the suck your own cock bit, honey. You're so clever, it makes your mama's bosom swell with pride. Knowing her son is travelling the world, using his given surname, going up in front of rooms of total strangers and doing the suck your own cock piece." Thanks, mom. "No biggie."

Hehehehe. Goatboy is here to please you. "How?" Hehehehehe. Tie me to your headboard, throw your legs over my shoulders and let me wear you like a feed bag

I learned a lot about women. I think I learned exactly how the fall of man occured in the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden, and Adam said one day, "Wow, Eve, here we are, at one with nature, at one with God, we'll never age, we'll never die, and all our dreams come true the instant that we have them." And Eve said, "Yeah... it's just not enough is it?"

Go back to bed, America, your government has figured out how it all transpired, go back to bed America, your goverment is in control again. Here, here's American Gladiators, watch this, shut up, go back to bed America, here is American Gladiators, here is 56 channels of it, watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go America - you are free to do as we tell you! You are free to do as we