Dale Doback: Okay, here's the shot out of the cannon: Oprah, Barbara Walters, your wife. You gotta fuck one, marry one, kill one, go!
Dale Doback: [as they are called back into the office for their first interview] We're here to fuck shit up!
Brennan Huff: Robert better not get in my face... 'cause I'll drop that motherfucker!
Brennan Huff: I'm going to take a pillowcase and fill it full of bars of soap and beat the shit out of you!
Derek: So, what do we do now?
Brennan Huff: We could hug?
Derek: Yeah, you'd like that, you faggot!... I'm sorry, I'm new to this.
Brennan Huff: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I will kick you repeatedly in the balls!
Dale Doback: [after hearing Brennan sing] You have the voice of an angel. Your voice is like a combination of Fergie and Jesus.
Brennan Huff: I have a belly full of white dog crap in me, and now you lay this shit on me?
Brennan Huff: This house is a fucking prison!
Dale Doback: On Planet Bullshit!
Brennan Huff: In the galaxy of This Sucks Camel Dicks!
Brennan Huff: [to Dale] You're a big, fat, curly-headed fuck!
Brennan Huff: Shut your mouth. Sh-sh-shut your mouth.
Brennan Huff: Eat shit Derek!
Brennan Huff: [in his therapist's fantasy] I've traveled five hundred miles to give my seed.
Dale Doback: [both waking up from dreams on top of each other] Oh no, I'm late for school.
Brennan Huff: I'll kiss you on the mouth, Kenny Rogers.
Brennan Huff: I tea-bagged your drum set!
Brennan Huff: This wedding is horse shit!
Brennan Huff: You are making an ass out of yourself, you geriatric fuck!
Dr. Robert Doback: Rock the fuck out of those drums, Dale!
Alice: Stay golden, Ponyboy.
Derek: Brennan has a man-gina.
Brennan Huff: You better not close your eyes, because as soon as you do, I'm gonna punch you square in the face!
Dr. Robert Doback: One day my father just said, "Goddamn it, you're seventeen, stop being a fucking dinosaur and get a job!"
Dale Doback: I manage a baseball team.
Nancy Huff: Oh, little league?
Dale Doback: Fantasy league.
Sporting Goods Manager: [after Dale finishes his very prolonged fart] Was that a fart?
Dale Doback: I don't know.
Sporting Goods Manager: I can taste it. On my tongue.
Dale Doback: Okay, I'll be honest with you. I did fart.
Sporting Goods Manager: Is that onion? Onion and... Onion and ketchup. It stinks. And this is a small room.
Brennan Huff: Shit.
Sporting Goods Manager: Okay, now the tuxedos seem kind of fucked up.
Randy: Pow!
Dale Doback: Suppose Nancy sees me coming out of the shower and decides to come on to me. I'm looking good, got a luscious v of hair going through my chest pubes down to my ball fro. She takes one look at me and goes " Oh my god, I've had the old bull now I want the young calf" and grabs me by the weiner.
Dr. Robert Doback: Shut the fuck up!
Brennan Huff: I'm so scared right now. I'm just gonna to do what's sensible, I'm gonna file for unemployment. Then I'm gonna try to get a job at Enterprise Rent-A-Car, because they got an excellent corporate structure and they... *they* give *you* the tools to be your own boss.
Dale Doback: [while Brennan is singing] Boats and hoes!
Brennan Huff: Holy Fucking Santa Claus Shit!
Brennan Huff: [mowing lawn, dressed as Nazi] Hey Derek, sprechen sie dick?
Nancy Huff: What the fucking fuck?
Dr. Robert Doback: We're putting the house on the market.
Dale Doback: Where are we moving?
Brennan Huff: Is the house haunted?
Dr. Robert Doback: Nancy and I are retiring and sailing around the world on my boat. We are living the dream.
Dale Doback: Well what about us?
Nancy Huff: I- I'm sorry. Robert... we thought that you should take responsibility for your own lives.
Dr. Robert Doback: And this is the exciting part. We're gonna put enough money in your accounts for a security deposit on an apartment.
Dale Doback: What's this all about?
Nancy Huff: Um, more than just money. We're gonna get you another kind of support as well.
Dr. Robert Doback: You'

Nobody knows

On HILL 16 for the Dublin v Offaly Leinster semi final. There was a minutes silence for a recently deceased GAA member....
about 40 seconds into the minute silence some wise crack said
'I DONT KNOW WHAT A TRACKER MORTGAGE IS'

Ireland of the Welcomes!

In Roddy Boland's in Rathmines one night I overheard a group of Italian guys (tourists) trying to chat up two Irish girls and not getting very far.
One of the Italian's started waxing lyrical about one of the girls and her 'beautiful pale skin' and said: 'In my country, you would be a Princess'
To which the Irish girl replied 'And in my country, you'd work in a chipper, now f**k off'.

Don't go to work on an egg

On a No.13 bus in Ranelagh a harassed looking man was relating a story to a friend. 'On Friday night last I came home from work and the Missus asked me to have a word with the 8 year old about his bad language. Now I was knackered from the week's work and told her I would talk to him in the morning. Next morning I came into the kitchen and there were my 2 sons the 8 year old and his 5 year old brother. I asked the 8 year old what he would like for brekkie and he put his 2 hands behind his head, threw the feet up on the table and said he would like a f**king egg. At this stage said the harassed parent I lost the head completely and hit him a few clips on the legs, then still shaking turned to the 5 year old and asked him what he would like for brekkie. The 5 year old clearly shaken by the previous events said in a tremulous voice......... I'm not having a f**king egg anyway.

Is there a doctor in the house?

In the Omniplex a while back, a particularly boring bit of the movie was on, when a cry came from the dark.
Shadow at the front (shouting): 'Anyone! Is there a doctor here? Is there a doctor here?'
(Shock. Confusion.)
Voice from the back: 'Here - I'm a doctor'
Voice from the front: 'Sh*te film, isn't it?' ...and sat back down
Voice from the back: 'Little bastard - if I find ya I'll rattle ya'

Hill 16 banter

Hill 16, Croke Park, Dublin playing Westmeath and Jason Sherlock becomes embroiled in a fight with the Westmeath corner back right in front of the Hill.
One wag shouts out....
'Go on Jason, hit him with your wok!'

Dublin barmen.............aren't they great!

My brother was in Mulligans pub on Poolbeg street having a pint at the bar when a yank came up and said to the barman 'Excuse me sir, where is your bathroom?' So the barman gave him directions and off went the yank. A few minutes later the yank returns and says to the barman 'Excuse me sir, there's no lock on the door'. The barman replied without looking up from the pint of Guinness he was pulling 'As long as I've been here, no-one ever tried to rob a shite.'

Kerry - Dublin relations

Sitting in the Hogan stand a few years back at a Kerry versus Dublin football match there was these two men , one sitting in front of me and another sitting behind me. One was a Kerryman the other a Dubliner. The match was tight and a fairly heated affair and the two boys were fairly vocal to say the least. Each doing their best to wind up the other. Anyway, a Kerry player sent high lobbing ball down the field , a Dublin player was all alone underneath it , hands out stretched it looked like a wasted ball by the Kerry player . Laughing the Dublin Fan shouts 'Nice f**king pass ya f**king sheep shagger'. As the ball descended on-top of the Dublin player it fell through his hands ,bounced off his knee a flew into the stand . In turn the Kerry supporter stood up in histerics and blasted out 'IF TWAS A BAG OF HEROIN YOU'D CATCH IT WUDNT EW YU JACKEEN BASTARD'

Crowd disturbance at a Leinster game

At a recent Leinster Magners League game in Donnybrook there was an Australian lady who was more interested in fussing over her friend's baby than watching the game. So much so that she seemed to be upsetting the Leinster fan next to her. She left to get chips and when s

After getting sent off for stamping on Gareth Southgate in 1995: "He shouldn't be lying on the floor. Defenders shouldn't be on their backsides. I felt that he got in the way."

Keane on the Old Trafford crowd in 2000: "Sometimes you wonder, do they understand the game of football? We're 1-0 up, then there are one or two stray passes and they're getting on players' backs. It's just not on. At the end of the day they need to get behind the team. Away from home our fans are fantastic, I'd call them the hardcore fans. But at home they have a few drinks and probably the prawn sandwiches, and they don't realise what's going on out on the pitch. I don't think some of the people who come to Old Trafford can spell football, never mind understand it."

Keane's on the Football Association of Ireland: "I am not pointing the finger at anybody, but if there was anything to make me say 'I am going to spend the week with my wife and kids at home' that would be it. Where we trained in Clonshaugh it was abysmal and it has been for as long as I've known it. I was fairly critical of the seating arrangements for the flight over here when the officials were at the front and the players behind."

Keane on his Manchester United team-mates back in 2001: "The great teams get back to finals and win it, and this just shows we are not a great team. We're just an average team in a lot of areas, but it's up to the manager and the rest of the staff to look at that. We seem to be falling further behind these teams like Real Madrid."

On his horrific lunge at Alf-Inge Haaland: "Even in the dressing room afterwards I had no remorse. My attitude was, 'What goes around comes around'. He got his just rewards. My attitude is an eye for an eye."

On his tunnel clash with Patrick Vieira in 2005: "Patrick Vieira is 6ft 4in and having a go at Gary Neville. So I said, 'have a go at me'. If he wants to intimidate our players and thinks that Gary Neville is an easy target, I'm not having it."

United finished the 2005 season without a trophy, and Keane said: "Results don't lie and the table doesn't lie. Our performance levels have not been good enough. Everyone at this club needs to look at themselves and ask whether they are giving 100% to the football club."