Dear Miss Scowly Girl sitting left of me in the exam,

What’s that look for? Yes I walked in 30 seconds before the exam starts, so what? If you think I’m going to be feverishly scribbling till the bitter end of the exam you’re sadly mistaken; I’m out of here asap, so what’s the point of turning up 15 minutes early like you? To get ‘settled’? I’ll just ‘settle’ watching you start writing like a madwoman.
***
What now? Opening my Coke is annoying you? Jeez, I like Coke, I’m not going to sit and drink water like some pussy, It only fizzes the first few times I open it chill the fuck out.
***
Right I’m not even doing anything now I’m just staring around the room, what’s the stink-eye for? My staring around the room is offputting, right. Listen we have 2 hours in here to write 4 essays, if you think I’m not going to take a break every couple of minutes you’re not on. It’s first year English Language; they give you a pass for getting your name right on the front page. Frankly you’re putting in way too much effort, if me staring about the room is putting you off it’s probably for the best.
***
Okay what's the scowl for this time? You think I’m cheating off of you? You’ve written fourteen fucking pages, do you really think I’m going to glance over randomly at one of them, decipher you’re teensy writing and go: “Shit so that’s how Gricean Maxims work, cheers love” scribble-scribble-scribble-scribble…Pass…A++. If you must know I was glancing at your tits, now chill the fuck out.

Sincerely, Sword.

Dear annoying fuck diagonally right of me in the exam hall,

Due to our 'No leaving the exam in the last half hour' rule fucking me over I'm left staring around the room, staring at your annoying back. You have seven pens. Seven. Why? Do exam nerves cause you to crush pens between your mighty fingers? Rule of thumb: If six pens run out of ink you're having a bad day, you're probably going fail, just give up. And why in the name of fuck do you have flip-flops on? It's a rainy mid-May morning. I know your Pokemon calendar is flipped forward to July bacause July is Pikachu, and Pikachu's the best, Pikachu I choose you, but that does not mean it is July. It's May, we live in Scotland, it's raining: put on a pair of socks and shoes. And I know the nerves make your mouth go dry but do you really need a litre bottle of water? We're only in here for 2 hours, you're not in a nuclear bunker. It's just coming straight back out as sweat anyway turning your Iron Maiden teeshirt from shitty washed-in grey to slightly darker shitty washed-in grey. I have to thank you though for reinforcing my choice not to do Politics next year, so thanks for that.

Sincerely, Sword.

1. Full Name: Jamie Dowie
2. Nicknames: Sword aka THE Sword
3. Birthday: 22/09/87
4. Place of Birth: Isleworth
5. Zodiac Sign: Virgo
6. Male or Female: Male
7. Grade: A
8. School: Townhill Primary and Earnock High
9. Occupation: Bounty Hunter
10. Residence: My House.
11. MSN Screen Name: Jamie the Sword
__Your Appearance___
12. Hair Color: Dark blond.
13. Hair Length: perfect.
14. Eye color: Blue with yellow bits
15. Weight: About 10 rock
16. Height: Just shy of 6'2"
17. Braces?: I've never worn braces.
18. Glasses?: nah I can see ne good
19. Piercings: None.
20. Tattoos: None.
21. Righty or Lefty: Righty.
___Your 'Firsts'___
22. First best friend: Hunts
23. First Award: Some certificate for reading or summing.
24. First Sport: Tig.
25. First pet: Dragon. A lizard.
26. First Real Vacation: Menorca. When I was five. Pulled a 7 year old and a 9 year old. Good times.
27. First Concert: Paradox.
28. First Love: Never been there. Sounds shite.
___ Favorites___
29. Movie: Well the first rule is I can't talk about it. And the second rule is......
30. TV programme: Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place
31. Color: Mellow Yellow.
32. Rapper: The Game or Ol' Dirty Bastard
33. Band: Green Day.
34. Song Right Now: Ol' Dirty -- Brooklyn Zoo
35. Friends: Pastor Mase, Scotty2Hotty, WylieCoyote, Cooneylingus and Dave.......just Dave
36. Sweet: Those soft Opal fruit type things, can't remember the name...something fruits?
37. Sport to Play: Kick the gayboy.
38. Restuarant: I truly have no idea or I don't care. One of the two.
39. Favorite brand: *Sword*Wear*. It's a brand I'm going to set up once I'm a big star.
40. Store: Open.
41. School Subject: Philosophy
42. Animal: Tiger maybe. Or polar bear.
43. Book: Northern Lights.
44. Magazine: Edge
45. Shoes: My Evisus with the tacks in them.
___Currently___
46. Feeling: Fantastic.
47. Single or Taken?: Single. You're in luck ladies
48. Have a crush: No.
49. Eating: Nothing.
50. Drinking: My own saliva.
51. Typing: Like a gangstar.
52. Online?: Fucking obviously you complete peg.
53. Listening To: Ol' Dirt Mcgirt -- Ni*ga Please.
54. Thinking About: What to write for the answer to what I'm currently typing. Trippy.
55. Wanting To: Get my Exams over with. And Fuck a supermodel. At the same time how cool would that be.
56. Watching: The keyboard because I'm not that great at typing.
57. Wearing: White socks, white thatched Gravis treads, Diesel jeans, a Kickers teeshirt I don't even like, blue Primark boxers.
___Your Future___
58. Want Kids?: Two boys and a girl.
59. Want to be Married?: Maybe. Don't know if I'm a one woman guy.
60. Careers in Mind: Superhero
61. Where do you want to live: The East.
62. Car: Lamborghini Spyder, Lamborghini Murcielago Roadster or Enzo Ferrari. So probably a Volkswagen Golf or something.
__Which is Better With The Opposite Sex___
63. Hair color: Brown or yella.
64. Hair length: At least down to your shoulders.
65. Eye color: Blue or green or light brown.
66. Measurments: Plickety plick, plickety plick.
67. Cute or Sexy: Sexy.
68. Lips or Eyes: Eyes.
69. Hugs or Kisses: Did you ever see Tupac giving out hugs. Kisses.
70. Short or Tall: Tall. Like the Statue of Liberty. I wonder if she has a name. I'm going to name her Wendy.
71. Easygoing or serious: Serious and stern.
72. Romantic or spontaneous? Neither?
74. Sensitive or Loud: Sensetive.
75. Hook-up or Relationship: Relationship.
76. Sweet or Caring: Sweet.
77. Trouble Maker or Hesitant One: Trouble maker.
___Have you ever______
78. Kissed a Stranger: Yeah.
79. Had Alcohol: Lots.
80. Smoked: Never smoked tobacco.
81. Ran Away From Home: No, I'm cool.
82. Broken a bone: No.
83. Got an X-ray: Yes.
84. Taken drugs: Only Cannabis. Which is only a drug in the strictest sense.
85. Broken Someones Heart: Probably. I'm a hot piece of ass.
86. Broke Up With Someone: I've never done the breaking up bit. Too messy.
87. Cried Wh