The year is 2020, and little Tommy scouser is sitting around the DVTV multiplayer unit as his dad Tommy scouser is reminiscing about the great Liverpool sides of the past.

"Tell me about the treble winning year dad" says Tommy jnr

"Agh the treble winners, now that was a team, Westerveld, Henchoz, Heskey, all wonderfully skilled players... a great side... up there with your Dagleish's your Hansen's, your Grobelar's!!" replied his elated dad.

"They swept all before them didn't they father?" queried the wide-eyed boy.

"They did, Worthington cup, FA cup and the prestigious UEFA cup. My God son were they remarkable." Stated his owld fella.

"So the Worthington cup dad, who'd we beat", asked the youngster, "Was it Man United or Everton"

"Well no son, none of those, we stuffed Birmingham City, oh how we made those blue noses suffer!" added Tommy scouser.

"What was the score dad? Was it 6-0? I bet it was, wasn't it dad? I bet Michael Owen scored 6 didn't he! Did he Dad?" young Tommy quizzed excitedly.

"Er no son, actually Birmingham were a great side in them days, and we fought hard to take us to penalties, and eventually we stuffed them in sudden death!" squirmed the senior scouser.

"Any how son, it was the FA Cup that they all wanted, and we were up against the mighty Arsenal" added Tommy senior as he tried to sweep his son along on a tide of euphoria.

"Oh Arsenal dad, they won the league and European cup that year didn't they dad, oh I rember those players from history, Grimandi and Lee Dixon, they were famous all around Islington weren't they dad.

"True, true, ah well they didn't exactly win anything that year.. they were robbed by some Manchester team to the title... more importantly it was a great game son, we nearly scored once in the first half don't you know. Oh I remember it well, oh how we cheered as after 23 minutes we raided into Arsenal's half and Heskey had a header... it was a great chance that would've been less spectacular if the keeper wasn't 47 years old" stated the proud dad.

"How many shots did we actually have that day father?"

"Well er, urm about 3"

"And how many did Arsenal have dad?"

"Well about 9, but they weren't real chances, half chances at best... there's only 1 stat that counts son" added Tommy senior

"Doesn't sound like much of a victory to me dad, just 2-1, sounds a bit lucky" sounded the young scouser

"Well maybe but son the UEFA cup final was the big one, and we stuffed them, we scored five times" quickly added Tommy senior.

"Five times wow, gee dad we must have given them a real hiding, who was it dad? Was it AC Milan or Real Madrid? Or was it Monaco dad? Who dad?"

"Well son it was the Spanish giants, Alaves" stated the elder scouser.

"Who?" asked wee Tommy.

"Alaves son, oh they were a big team in the Basque country back then. They had some massive names."

"Who had they dad was it Rivaldo, he played in Spain then, or Raul who was it dad?"

"No it wasn't Raul or Rivaldo. Cruyff played for them and the Norwegian international Eggen."

"wow Johan Cruyff dad?"

"No son, not Johan, Jordi he was almost as good as his dad, some say better. He once scored a hat-trick for Man United against Everton you know!"

"Did he dad? What was that in, the league or FA Cup?

"Well actually it was the Avon's Insurance combination league son" (reserves).

"Oh so what was the final score dad 5-0 I naturally assume"?

"No er, urm agghh. It was 5-4 son"

"5-4! They scored 4 time! Oh I get it dad, I remember once reading that 2 men were sent off in that final. So I take it Liverpool had two men sent off after 5 minutes, and had sorta evened out the contest!"

"No son actually they had only 9 men son."

"Dad"

"WHAT"

"Who scored our winner that day?"

"Er, um oh it was a fella called Geli"

"Sorry dad I've a Liverpool A-Z here, and there is Gallagher, Gamble, Gerrard, but no Geli?"

"Well son it was an own goal"

"We beat Alaves

Naas show band attempt to break the former Eastern Block (written by, O'Meara, Syril, and McStout)

To the choon of Razorlight's shite song "America"

What a shitty country
The shape it’s in
I go get the dole
Then I come home again

I’m real hungry
'Cause I’ve got no money to eat
Can’t afford a TV Can’t afford a radio
and I can’t make ends meat

All my life
Poor in Lithuania
All my life
There's recession in Lithuania
Oh Oh Oh, Oh
There's no job’s in Lithuania
Oh Oh Oh, Oh

Yesterday was shit
I lost my last five cent
I got these cheese burgers
‘nd couldn't pay the rent

I’m real hungry
'Cause I’ve got no money to eat
Can’t afford a TV Can’t afford a radio
and I can’t make ends meat
Can’t afford a TV Can’t afford a radio
and I can’t make ends meat
what a shitty place to live in

All my life
Poor in Lithuania
All my life
There's recession in Lithuania
Oh Oh Oh, Oh
There's no job’s in Lithuania
Oh Oh Oh, Oh
I need to leave Lithuania
Oh Oh Oh, Oh

Yesterday was shit
my wife she die
its ok I have another, but her vagine it wide
sell you my sister, trust me she very good

Don’t beat me up
Don't break my legs
I need to leave tonight
To befriend me, say you'll bring beer
To befriend me, say you'll bring beer
To befriend me, say you'll bring beer
To befriend..

All my life
Poor in Lithuania
All my life
There's recession in Lithuania
Oh Oh Oh, Oh
There's no job’s in Lithuania
Oh Oh Oh, Oh

Can’t pay for my meal
Can’t pay for my meal
Can’t pay for my meal
Can’t pay for my meal

A rare interview with the man himself, conducted by one of Ireland's most prestigious interviewers, Dave Fanning:

Dave Fanning: Deco, is this how you envisaged your life would turn out when you were younger?

Deco: pretty much ya, although i expected id have newer clothes, and when i was a young lad i dreamed about flaggins of devils bit cider, never in my wildest dreams did i imagine Tesco would launch a takeover bid of Quinnsworth.. that day remains the single most important day of my life.. it brought value, tesco value to me and the boys

Dave Fanning: What would you describe as a perfect Sunday?

Deco: Sunday, today you mean?

Dave Fanning: no today is Tuesday

Deco: right ya, well my sundays start off like any other day, i used to go to mass but i was banned after i was framed for puttin shit on the walls

Dave Fanning: Framed deco? you were caught red handed,, or brown handed as it would be..

Deco; no no the guards framed me and put my hand down my arse and forced me to do it... anyway back to the perfect sunday,, it would begin with drinking all the left over pints around the streets, i like to keep the streets clean, then i just wander around akin people for change.

Dave Fanning: Why did you choose to be a bum?

Deco: well to be honest it chose me, ya dont just stick bum on the cao form, ya have to work very hard from an early age, gettin the taste for warm beer and perfectin your beggin skills. different bums have different techniques, some are crazy bums, some are blind or crippled im a drunkin bum whos also very annoying, i think thats why im so successful,

Dave Fanning: right, ya you me 5 euro come to think of it!
who has been the biggest influence on ur career as a bum?

Deco: I have two, my da and PK the bud. my da set the standards for me when i was a young lad ya know. he got sacked all the time, he was on the dole, he beat me ma which was important for my development, i didnt realize it then but it would be important in the future as i set out to be just like him.
PK is an inspiration to us all, he doesnt shower, doesnt change his clothes, doesnt use mixers so he saves money, hes a good lad PK is

Dave Fanning: right ya, what do ya think of the new U2 album?

Deco: i wouldn know too much about the competition now. I like the Boner lad

Dave Fanning: yes ok. Deco do you think you've peaked or is there more to come from the dirty one?

Deco; no no i think theres more from deco. im tryin to mix it around more this year, subtle things like askin for money in new locations, tryin to broadin my fan base by hangin around golf courses with biscuits and stuff like that. im hopin to get the new celtic jersey too, need to move with the times, thats why iv got the tinternet and the websites and the bebos and youtubs ta wash me self and that.

Dave Fanning: intriguing Deco. why do you think people are constantly linking you with being dead??

Deco: thats actually my publicists idea. framing my death makes people fork out more change,




Interview conducted by Eddie Hobbs

Eddie Hobbs: Deco im here to help you with your financial problems, now im goooin to need your cooperation if this is goin to be scuccessful is that fine with you?

Deco: i dont know who you are or how you know my name but ya ok

Eddie Hobbs: right so Deco, according to my figures here your earning on average 20 euuuuro an hour by begging is that right?

Deco: i think thats right ya but i couldnt be sure i get pissed around 2 and usually black out.

Eddie Hobbs: well yes thats what appears to be the problem, your sending alot on drink, could this be reduced?

Deco: no but i could try find somethin cheaper to drink i suppose

Eddie Hobbs: now we're on the right track! what i propose is that you buy a bottle of white spirits a week in b&q it'll, save 15,000 euuuro a year! what does that sound like.

Deco: sounds like a lot of cider to me ha ha ha ha, im only messin with ya wat ya say ur name