Subject: soooooo proud
to be irish!
Only in
Ireland... Can a pizza get to your house faster than an

ambulance.

Only in Ireland... Do banks leave both
doors open and chain
the pens to the counters.


142 Irish were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from

new shirts.

58 Irish are injured each year by using
sharp knives instead
of screwdrivers.

13
Irish have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree
while
the fairy lights were plugged in.

Irish Hospitals
reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling

accidents

101 people since 1999 have had to have
broken parts of plastic
toys pulled out of the soles of their
feet.

18 Irish had serious burns in 2000 trying on a
new jumper with
a lit cigarette in their mouth.


A massive 543 Irish were admitted to A&E in the last two
years
after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.


5 Irish were injured last year in accidents involving out
of
Control Scalextric cars.

AND
finally......... In 2000, 8 Irish cracked their skull
whilst
throwing up into the toilet!

Dublin NORTHSIDE LEAVING CERT

MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS
IN THE NORTHSIDE OF DUBLIN

NAME _________________________

NICK-NAME ____________________

GANG NAME ____________________

1. Deco has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Vinno for 300 Euro and 90 grams to Tomo for 90 Euro a gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

2. Anto pimps 3 brassers. If the price is 40 Euro a royde, how many roydes per day must each brasser perform to support Vinno's 500 Euro a day crack habit?

3. Whacker wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000 Euro, to make a 20% profit. How many grams of strychnine will he need?

4. Christy got 6 years for murder. He also got €350,000 for the hit. If his common law wife spends €33,100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of the 'Joy?
Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Christy get for killing the slapper that spent his money?

5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 1 square metre, how many letters can be sprayed with an eight fluid ounce can of spray paint with 20% extra paint free?

6. Liamo steals Eamo's skateboard. As Liamo skates away at a speed of 35 mph, Eamo loads his brother’s Armalite. If it takes Eamo 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Liamo have travelled when he gets whacked?

Dublin SOUTH SIDE LEAVING CERT

MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS
IN THE SOUTHSIDE OF DUBLIN
NAME______________________________
 _____
________
__________________________________
 _____
________
__________________________________
 _____
________
__________________________________
 _____
________
__________________________________
 _____
________
_________________(if longer, please continue on a separate sheet)

SCHOOL____________________

DADDY'S COMPANY___________

1. Julian smashes up the old man's car, causing x amount of damage and killing three people. The old man asks his local TD to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Julian driving now?

2. Chloe's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Chloe doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what?

3. Roly fancies the arse off a certain number of tarts, but he only has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 Rohypnol, how is he ever going to shag the other two-thirds?

4. If Savannah throws up four times a day for a week she can fit a size 8 Versace. If she only throws up three times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce et Gabbano. How much does liposuction cost?

5. Alexander is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However he only has access to the Hoover every third week. When does his Sunday Independent column start?

COUNTRY LEAVING CERT

MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS
OUTSIDE DUBLIN

Name: Paddy/Mary _________________________

1. If Paddy Joe Murphy drove a Massey Ferguson through PaddyJohn’s turnip crop at 10miles an hour. What colour was Paddy John’s tractor?

2. If John Joe likes Mary and Mary likes Paddy, how much is a pint of stout in O'Brien’s at the crossroads?

3. Paddy Joe Mahoney has 25 sheep, 10 cows, 12 hens, a cockerel and 6 geese. John Joe has 12 sheep, 18 cows and 12 pigs. How much does Paddy Joe offer to John Joe for a dowry for Mary?

4. If it takes Sarah Jane 40 minutes to cycle 12 miles to O'Brien’s on the crossroads for the ceilidh and it takes Mary Murphy 40 minutes to walk 2 miles to O'Brien’s, which girl will end up in John Joe’s hay barn?

5. If Paddy Joe’s prize

Growing up in Ireland

I'm talking about Hide and Seek in the park.
The shop down the road,
Hopscotch, Donkey, skipping, handstands, stuck in the mud, football with
an old can, Dandy, Beano,
Twinkle and Roly Poly, Hula Hoops, Jumping the stream, building a swing
from a tyre and a piece of rope tied to a
tree,(If you live in Dublin the lampost), building tree-houses, climbing
up onto roofs.
Tennis on the street, the smell of the sun and fresh cut grass.

Hubba Bubba bubble gum and 2p Flogs, macaroon bars and woppas, 3p
Refreshers and wham bars,
superhero chewing gum, golf ball chewing gums and liquorice whips,
desperate dan and roy of the rovers,
sherbit dips and Mr.freezes, marathon bars and everlasting gobstoppers.
An ice cream cone on a warm summer night from the van that plays a tune
chocolate or vanilla
or strawberry or maybe neopolitan

Wait ... Watching Saturday Morning cartoons ... short commercials,
Battle of the Planets, Road Runner, He-Man, Swapshop, and Why Don't You?,
Transformers, How do you do?, Bosco(SANDY), Forty-coats,
The Littlest Hobo and Lassie, Chucklevision, The Muppet Show, MacGyver,
Scarecrow and Mrs King, Little House on the Prairie and Highway to Heaven,
or staying up
for Knight Rider and Magnum PI.

When around the corner seemed far away and going into town seemed like
going somewhere.

A million midget bites, sticky fingers and mud all over you, knee-pads on
your jeans,
Cops and Robbers, Rounders, tip the Can, Queenie-I-O,
climbing trees, spin the bottle, building igloos out of snow banks,
walking to school, no matter what the weather, running till you were out
of breath.
Laughing so hard that your stomach hurt, Jumping on the bed. Pillow
fights,
Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles,
Being tired from playing... Remember that?

The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.

Water balloons were the ultimate weapon

Football cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle

And don't forget the Marietta sandwiches we'd make by buttering a cupla
Marietta biscuits and stickin' them together.
And that quare oul mixture made in a tall glass with HB ice cream and
Taylor Keith Red Lemonade.

I'm not finished just yet...

Eating raw jelly, orange squash ice pops

Remember when ... There were two types of sneakers - girls and boys and
Dunlop Green Flash and the only time you wore them at school, was for
'P.E.', Gola football boots.

It wasn't odd to have two or three 'best' friends, when nobody owned a
pure bred dog,
when 25p was decent pocket money, when you'd reach into a muddy gutter for
a penny,
when nearly everyone's mum was at home when the kids got there,
when it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a
real restaurant with your parents

When any parent could discipline any kid or use him to carry groceries and
nobody, not even the kid,
thought a thing of it.

When being sent to the head's office was nothing compared to the fate that
awaited a misbehaving student at home.
Basically, we were in fear for our lives but it wasn't because of
muggings, drugs, gangs, etc.
Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! and some of us are
still afraid of them!!!

Remember when...

Decisions were made by going 'eeny-meeny-miney-mo.' Mistakes were
corrected by simply exclaiming, 'do over!'

'Race issue' meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in 'Monopoly', the
game of life and
connect four, atari 2600's and commadore 64's.
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was germs.
It was unbelievable that Red rover wasn't an Olympic event...

Having a weapon in school, meant being caught with a biro barrel pea
shooter or an elastic band.
Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better,

Taking drugs meant orange-flavoured chewable vitamins,
Ice cream was considered a basic