**HANGOVERS**

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you. You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those Vodka Redbulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.

2 star hangover * *

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full Ulster Fry. Although you have a nice demeanour in work, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light duties, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.

3 star hangover * * *

Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive. Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because her perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a litre of coke watching daytime TV. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.

4 star hangover * * * *

You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You sorta got washed, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving or it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems (depending on your gender). Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from the second-grade class picture circa 1976. You would give a week’s pay for one of the following: Home time, doughnut and somewhere to be alone, or a time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before. You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.

5 star hangover * * * * *

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying employees in your vacinity. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe ......very gently.

6 star hangover * * * * * *

You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly; as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room. No matter what you do now, you're going to chuck. You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail. After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet. If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls. You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived. Tears stream

wats the difference between a egg n a wank ...............................

you can beat an egg but u cani beat a wank lol

guy walks into a bar he goes aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh..................
 .............

it was an iron bar!

wat do u call a ethiopian wae a red tie on?

thermometer!

wat do u call 1000 ethiopians falling from a cliff ?

chocolate drops

wat do u call them when the hit the bottom?

splattered sheep shite!

2 guys go to the swimming a prodi and a jew the prodi dips his toe in the water and goes....... brrrrr its cold the jew dips his nose in and replys its deep too !

scottish man english man and an irish man in the desert when suddenly an arab appears and says the may not pass unless their dicks put together add up to 15 inches scottish man drops his kilt 8 inches , irish man drops his trousers 6 inches english man drops his trousers and the arab says ok u may pass ............... as they are walkin away the english man says to the scotsman and irshman "thank fuck a hud a hard on".