On a long and lonesome highway, East of Omaha, there once lived Small Man. He was very small, and was a man. Little did he know, however, that his smallness and his manliness would be his downfall. The bitter world he lived in could be no more suppressed by the mutiny of the Government Guard and the linguistics of the linguists, and he would soon succumb to their ultimately destructive and unmatched force.

"I am a tree today, but the plants shall not falter in my midst. I shall become that which they cannot be, and therefore describe only to them that which they cannot behold," said Small Man as he interrupted his wife, who had previously been making him gecko tea - a mixture of coco beans and gecko urine.

Shocked and aroused, his wife darted next to him, let out a shriek and began to speak, "Darling, you gave me such a fright! I fear I may not be able to survive in this hellish world any longer!" Daringly, she grasped the cup of gecko tea she had previously been making him and attempted to throw it in his face. Little did she know, unfortunately enough for her, that he had teleported behind her only to fatally stab her through the heart with a terrifyingly long samurai sword which was only to be directly compared to the unmatched length of the average human thumb. Following this beautifully smelly action, Small Man pushed his wife into the cooker, head first.

Luckily, it was indeed forged by the rubberiest of rubbers and the most fragile plastics of trees, and she suffered an immediate death after playfully bouncing off of the cooker's surface.

"My dear wife, pass carefully into Hell, and when you reach that special place, I hope no one but your husband may greet you." Realising he had wished straight passage into Hell upon himself, the Small Man wept for seconds upon end before reaching the eventuality of remembering his work responsibilities; he was four hours late for work. He deftly jumped from his kitchen/bedroom window into his car, which was a discreet hybrid of wood and water. And metal. And gecko tea.

As he drove into the distance, he noticed that Joshua's house lay in the immediate street to his left. Performing an unbelievably rapid maneuver which tipped his motor upside-down, tore through the barriers of space and time, then finally landed him in Joshua's garden, he left his car, covered in gecko tea and oil. "That'll be a monstrosity to wash out of my clothes! I guess I'll just have to pounce back into action and redeem my store points from the Next shop down at the -- very retro but sexy -- mall and buy some new sandals to go with my newly built oak ship."

And so he stood before Joshua's tall, flat, echoing house. His very dreams loomed over his head and he could think only of the inevitability of his trip to Hell.

How, he wondered, would he ever get out of this one?

Have you ever saved a text because it was special to you?
Maybe. I can't actually recall. On my most recent phone, no, I didn't, but I probably did on one of my older ones. Catherine does it, though, so it must be the in thing to do these days.

Who was the last person you were on the phone to?
Dean Farrell, man.

What's going on this weekend?
Actually, I haven't got a clue. I should probably study all weekend but probably won't. I might end up going out but I doubt I'll have much fun. I want to do something spontaneous this weekend.

Your current annoyance?
I'm not annoyed by anything right now. Maybe that's not entirely true...

Do you like your life?
I suppose so. I can use it for good, and that prospect alone is reason enough for me to "like" it.

have you told annyone you love them today?
Yes, Catherine, but it was a little half-hearted... I wish I wouldn't have said it now. My mum as well, obviously. Should say it to some more people.

Did you kiss or hug anyone in the last 24 hours?
Just family members.

Do you find it easier to forgive or forget?
Forgive, I suppose. Forgetting is something I can't stop myself from doing.

Do you have a teddy bear?
I found Doggy in the front room when I was tidying up. Ah, it made me smile.

When was the last time someone let you down?
Kyle when he didn't dance at the party.

Is this year the best year of your life?
Not so far.

What's the last thing to make you laugh?
Dean on the phone probably with his random ramblings.

Ever given your all to someone who walked away?
Don't quite get this.

Do you want to get married and have kids one day?
I don't know. I don't like the idea of either at the moment, so I suppose the answer is no, actually.

Can you honestly say that things are running smoothly for you?
Not really. Not in reality. I don't acknowledge reality, though, so it's all good.

Think back to your last kiss when and who was it with?
Hah... buckled.

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
Sometimes when things work out in a particular way I like to believe everything has a purpose, but then other things happen and smart people make comments and collectively, they change my mind.

Has someone ever made a promise and broke it?
Obviously, I deal with humans on a daily basis, experiencing this is a necessity for everyone.

What's irritating you right now?
Same thing as before.

Do you want a boyfriend/girlfriend?
Very much so.

How do you feel about smoking?
I dislike it generally, but I enjoy taking the odd cigarette for the rush.

Do you drop your phone a lot?
My house phone, aye - all the time. Lose the batteries and shit and have to search for them. Pain in the arse.

Have you ever been looking for something and it was already in your hand?
Many times.

Are you a simple or complicated person?
Simple.

Does it bother you when people spell/ type incorrectly?
Nope.

Do you like getting big hugs?
I love it.

Do you like the rain?
Depends on the situation. If I'm happy and I'm with someone I love, I'll happily dance about in the rain for hours. If it's just a shitty day, I hate it. The only rain I absolutely adore is when it's just very light and it's being blown gently by a breeze, and it's dark outside. Love that.

What else you doing right now?
MSN, listening to great music.

Are you currently frustrated with anyone or anything?
Yep. Feel uncomfortable naming and stuff.

Have you ever been called Prince/Princess?
Haha, probably princess.

Are you a bad influence?
Sometimes I can be.

How many texts are currently in your inbox?
Who knows?

Do you get nervous before going to doctor appointments?
Nah. Last time I was there I was a kid with a broken arm, so I probably couldn't wait to see The Man Who Fix It Fow Me.

In one word, how do you feel right now?
Unsatisfied.

What do you currently hear?
The Who - Love Reign O'er Me. Fucking amazing.

The person you fell hardest for texts you because he's outside your house at 4am tonight saying "come outside". What would you do?
I'd run out in all my half-naked glory and kiss 'em. Then I'd wake up.

Do you forgive easily?
I do.

In the past five days, what would you go back and change?
Nothing.

So the last person you kissed asks you to marry them, you say?
No!

Where's the last persons house you went besides your house?
Eh, Cruix still, haha.

When was the last time you changed in front of someone?
Earlier in PE today.

Could you go out in public looking like you do now?
Of course, I am eversexy.

Do you believe exes can really ever be "just friends"?
Of course. It's solid sometimes to keep it in your pants sometimes, though, right enough. Faggot.

Anyone ever said they want to be with you forever?
I don't think so. Ryan? Haha.

Do you remember who you liked this time 3 months ago?
Of course I do. The liking is still present.

Have you ever received a myspace message that made you cry?
Nah; nor Bebo.

Has anyone said they love you in the last week?
A couple of people. Mostly 'cause I prompted them. xD

Are you starting to realize anything?
Eh. I don't think so. I know now that I should appreciate what I have.

Has people ever spelt your name wrong?
Have you ever used "has" instead of "have" improperly?

Do you regret doing anything this week:?
No. I regret not doing certain things.

Last real awkward moment?
Higher PE.

What side of the bed do you sleep on?
I sleep in a single bed, so I sleep on the far, top-right corner.

When did you last cry?
I can't remember.

Do you hate being alone?
I enjoy being alone most of the time. I've conditioned myself to like it.

Have you ever talked to someone when they were high?
Uhuh.

What were you doing at 12AM last night?
On MSN probably.

How long is your hair?
Kinda long.

How do you feel about your hair right now?
I hate it. I don't want it short, I don't want it too long and I don't like it the way it is, haha.

Are you a different person now than you were five years ago?
Fuck yes.

Are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants, or pajama pants?
None.

Do you have feelings for anyone?
Uhuh.

Would your parents be mad if you were in a relationship?
I think they're worrying about me, hahaha.

Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn't do?
Yep.

Has there been a day this week you just wanted to say "fuck it"
Nope. Last week, though, aye.

Has anyone seen you in your underwear, other than mom?
Obviously.

Where is your cell phone?
God knows maybe.

Do you think you can last in a relationship for 3 months?
I don't know.

Cappucino, Latte, or Flat White?
Coffee is yuck.

Ever get mad at something that happened years ago?
Sometimes.

What time did you fall asleep last night?
Don't know. My awareness of time is generally poor.

Have you had sex in the past week?
No.

The person you like at the moment finds someone new, what is your reaction?
Morph into Depressed Brendan!

What are you thinking about right now?
Catherine: her little orange thingy is bleeping and I've ignored it since I started this. The excitement is building!!!!

Are you upset with anyone?
Kinda.

What were you doing at 5am this morning?
SHLEEEEEPINNGGGG MAHHHNNNN