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| A perpetual state of goodbye <aperpetualstate> "Violent delights have violent ends." | |||||||||||
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| A perpetual state of goodbye says: "To read 'Frog' click here. http://www.bebo.com/PygocentrusNattereri" (65 weeks ago) me too! | Reply | Category Fiction URL http://www.bebo.com/aperpetualstate Profile Created April 2007 Profile Views 497 times Share the Luv
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1
Chapter One
2
Chapter Two
3
Chapter Three
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Chapter Four
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Chapter Five
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Chapter Six
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Chapter Seven
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Chapter Eight
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Chapter Nine
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Chapter ten
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Chapter Eleven
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Chapter Twelve
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probs hovering on a more immature approach
a review it has taken me months to get through but i have finally finished the story. I liked it very much. Some parts, especially the description of the factory, i thought were amazing.
by You Are 54 weeks agoi was facinated by the characters and the setting, their primary school and their weekends. I really liked all that.
some of it seems to need editing and to be carefully read through and fixed up.
I can see what the girl meant about the twist. maybe there should be some more hints. I dont think that letting some female aspects of the character become more obvious a little earlier would hurt. It breaks my heart what you do to stevie, and i wish that that was sorted just a little more. maybe some of the end seems unresolved.
i dont really know. apart from some of the small things, it is an excellent story.
the chav hater's review.... hmm, reminds me a little of an episode of skins. It feels like you could take this and quite easily adapt it into a screenplay.
by LauraMonoxide 65 weeks agoHaving said that I think i would read on to the next chapter for i am wondering exactly where it is heading. Impressions on first chapter is its a whole lot of nothing in particular. I have no empathy for the main character....as of yet. Hey but i'm a chav hater so i wouldnt would i?
It is not gripping reading- but it could get more interesting if i can be bothered to come back and read on- which i might but not now I'll save it for another time when i need to kill five minutes of my life.... three stars
WOW!!!! Just finished reading.
by Jimmy King 65 weeks agoBest book on Bebo Authors - no question!
Stunning up til the last chapter i thought ur story was absolutely STUNNING! lol
by My Own Enemy 65 weeks agoi love your writing style, that much description is something i try and envoke into mine but usually fail!
*constructive critcism:
- i think though that your character should be a guy, (not coz of gay part) from the first chapter up until the 2nd to last the narrator feels like a guy. the way 'it' reacts to every situation etc etc, is more - in my mind - how a guy would react and it seems like u have randomly put that twist in at the end without having bared it in mind throughout your writing
never in the early chapters were (from what i can remember) we given any indication that the narrator was actually a girl
could just be me making assumptions but i think that would make it flow a lot better
coz at first i thought id read it wrong or something :S
- there didnt seem 2 be much of a concrete plot, just a meander through life,
although it was v gud, duno if u need a proper plot
u def had me hooked!
XXX
Awesome! This is the first I've read where I have nothing to input. Great writing! You had me completely engrossed by the end of the second paragraph. I'm looking forward to reading the rest. Please, if you have the time, take a look at what I have posted - www.bebo.com/naralyng. It's a more fanatstical setting than yours but I would appreciate a skilled author's constructive critizism.
by Morgaine 75 weeks agowow how did you come up with this?
by Monica 90 weeks ago