This is an odd blog.

Since the last entry, over a quarter of the year ago, alot has happened. I've entered and left a fairly intense relationship, I've squandered some opportunities, I've seized a great many others. Particularly I've graduated and looked as deep as I could into the abyss.

I've aged as well. I don't think I've changed, but a quarter of this year is, undeniably, almost a one-hundredth of my life so far! (Strictly, one ninety-sixth.)

Anyhow, my hope is to jaunt down to Dunfermline tomorrow evening. I've had a fantastic two weeks this last fortnight and I've had an absolute whale of a time entertaining and being entertained by friends. I think, I fear, I might have changed a bit. Deep down, however, I see the folks around me as my constants. This world, this reality...it doesn't change, I shan't be changing it. It's too big, too potent and too complex. If there's been one change in me in the last six years, it's been a diminishment of my outer-hubris and an immense fortification of my internal resolve. One would expect the 'loss of support of a deity' (or less cryptically, loss of faith) to be entirely undermining but it simply has not been. My convictions have been refined (and demonstrated to be entirely, almost completely fallible in terms of potential), but my resolve, my passion and my endeavour remains strong.

Perhaps I've suffered somewhat in focus too...but I'm not in a position to judge.

Regardless, it strikes me my idealism has been internalised. The massive strokes of scepticism and cynicism have been tempered by a severe, optimistic and whimsical stoicism which permits me a somewhat upbeat-curmudgeonly aspect nowadays. I doubt any of those even broaches the surface of anything I think and feel, yet I imagine the idea of a ever-quibbling curmudgeon is not far from the truth. But life is still good. As I said to a friend but days ago: Don't worry about me, I'm just a traveller passing through.

That's certainly the basics of how I feel, but it's probably still more and less complicated than is relevant. It's been a good summer so far, now just to see where the trip takes me next. Also, I had a further realisation. I'm considering the third 'trip of a lifetime', but there's one problem: I don't think this one will end. To consider Durres, Warsaw, Bratislav, Tirana and Turkey as the 'training'...

On the upside, I hope to meet up with some very old friends this Tuesday. It ought to be nothing less and nothing more than... fantastic.

EDIT: Also, my ex has swine flu.

Books, damnit. I read books quite often. At least thrice a day I'll be dippin'-me-noggin' into a pile of these papery fiends. Last year I came across the '50' challenge, e.g. reading fifty in the course of one year. I managed about forty-two (good number) last year, so I hope to pass fifty now that I've had a little focus. I'm not reading much more often than last year, but I am keeping track.

What am I reading and what have I read?

Ones with (READING) beside them are not yet finished but have been started. Ones which don't have been read. The bulk of these are 'franchise fiction' from the Black Library, but I've enjoyed them quite nicely. I'll try and revisit them throughout the year to leave some reviews.

01. Betrayal by Aaron Allston
02. Wine of Dreams by Brian Craig
03. I am Legend by Richard Matheson
04. Nagash the Sorceror by Mike Lee
05. Malekith by Gav Thorpe
06. A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens (READING)
07. Pride & Prejudice by Jane Austen (READING)
08. Bloodlines by Kathy Traviss
09. Cat Amongst the Pigeons by Agatha Christie (READING)
10. Outbound Flight by Timothy Zahn
11. Dark Apostle by Anthony Reynolds (READING)
12. Tales of Heresy edited by Kyme & Priestley
13. Honourkeeper by Nick Kyme
14. Behold the Man by Michael Moorcock
15. War of the Worlds by H.G. Wells
16. Briget Jones: The Edge of Reason by Helen Fielding (READING)
17. Tempest by Troy Denning (READING)
18. The Time Machine by H.G. Wells (READING)
19. Extraordinary Engines edited by Nick Gevers (READING)
20. Survivor's Quest by Timothy Zahn (READING)


12/04/09: Picked up The Time Machine this afternoon. It was a glorious day, so whilst forraging for lunch, coffee and sherbet lemons I decided to grab a book to keep me occupied. You rarely see St Andrews look quite as beautiful as it was today. But then, April is my favourite month.

Latest episode of Battlestar Galactia. Fantastic stuff. One scene was particularly fantastic. Without giving two much away, the dialogue between Cavil and two other cylons was exceedingly good. It went as follows:


C: In all your travels, have you ever seen a star supernova?
E: No.
C: No? Well I have. I saw a star explode and send out the building blocks of the universe. Other stars, other planets, eventually other life. A supernova; creation itself.I was there, I wanted to see it and be part of the moment. And do you know how I percieved one of the most glorious events in the universe? With these ridiculous gelatinous orbs in my skull! With eyes designed to percieve only a tiny fraction of the EM spectrum. With ears designed only to hear vibrations in the air.
E: The five of us designed you to be as human as possible.
C: I don't want to be human! I want to see gamma rays, I want to hear x-rays and I want...I want to smell dark matter! Do you see the absurdity of what I am? I can't even express these things properly because I have to...I have to conceptualise these complex ideas in this stupid, limiting spoken language. But I know I want to reach out with something other than these prehensile paws and feel the solar wind of a supernova flowing over me. I'm a machine and I could know much more, I could experience so much more, but I'm trapped in this absurd body. And why? Because my five creators thought that God wanted it that way...
[Cavil leaves]
E: Do you have something to say?
B: Don't you feel the slightest bit of remorse for what you did to him, what you did to us?
E: No. Because he's wrong, Boomer. There's no need for remorse or blame. We didn't limit you. We gave you something wonderful: free will. The ability to think creatively, to reach out to others with compassion, to love.
B: Love? Who? Humans? Why would I want to do that? Who would I want to love?


Why is it so dear to me? Well, to tell the utter truth: I sympathise almost completely with Cavil. It's a feeling or opinion I've generally always been possessed with, but never really expressed. This scene powerfully highlighted it. That I sympathise severely with Cavil probably says more than a detailed explanation.

But anyway, moving on

Exams were a bit of a disaster and the start of the semester has been one hilarious mishap after another. Sleeping's all off, but nevermind that either.

Things are...good. It's been a bit mad too. But good, still. This is it. This is the start of the tenth semester. The final semester. This is...the end. Again.

I vaguely remember the 'end' of primary school too. Over a decade ago now, but still, it was way-back-then... strange. We were all off to St Columba's. It wasn't to be an ending, except for with the teachers. It was a realisation of...the impending seriousness of thing. It was about to get...very different indeed. Everything was about to change.

Then, sixth year. I believe I might've melodramatised it a few times, but then at other times I think I can happily struggle to portray some of the things that happened then.

Five years to the day...

Well, last Friday was five years to the day since my Staff Cadet 2 exam and presentation at Cadets. Friday the Thirteenth of February. I got a 96% on that exam, my presentation went pretty swish too. "The Three Ds", I remember it well. Afterwards was a pretty remarkable visit to the Watering Hole. The next day was another remarkable visit to the Watering Hole. Valentine's day, the only time I saw a ridiculous chat-up line ever work.

That is:
"Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm schizophrenic,
And so am I"

The amusing quality, for me, is that I was there. "I saw it happen. I made it happen" to quote a favourite of mine.

Nevermind all that. The Valentine's day trip to the Watering Hole was, as I recall, with a certain Mr McHale. A pretty uneventful night, I suppose. I even retired early, electing not to continue on