Masquerade 1 - The Opening <masquerade1>
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Dude that stories sick as!
i only got to read the first part so far but its awesome!
i don't know much about literacy and stuff... but i don't
read much, and i can honestly say that if i had to choice
i'd sit here and read all day.
|posted by Ashie|
|Review on behalf of SPR||10/25/08|
Saint fron Saint Phoenix Reviews.
I should have done this one sooner. A LOT sooner.
Basically, this story is 19 chapters of complete and utter AWESOME!
I'm not just saying that because I'm in it either, it truely is freaking AWESOME!
The main thing I like is that you write like I do, but you can actually make it work. I'm always telling myself: "I need less fight scenes, I need less fight scenes," and then you come along with this and include a fight in almost every chapter, but yours all actually fit in an explain the story as they happen.
I honestly can't find any negative points with this, except for one thing, which I'll PM you about, 'cause it contains spoilers, and if I post them here, you might kill my character off
|posted by Saint|
I can't read it all today, but I've read the prologue and chapter 1, and I think this is brilliant - stylisitically it works very well, and there's black humor ("... the dogs, as their name suggested, wouldn't die") and just the right ammount of detail to draw you in and make you want to read on. I will be back to finish reading the story!
|posted by Mrs Brightside|
|Review on behalf of 'SPR'||8/27/08|
Even though so far i've only read up to chapter 9, i can already tell that this story deserves 5*'s.
Although the chapters are long, the suspense is worth it. It kept me reading, and it will for other readers too. Mostly because you explain what happens in each chapters, and don't drag on with non-important events.
I did, however, spot a few minor mistakes in chapter 2, though it's been a while since i read it. If you want me to read over it again and see where i could spot them i'd be more then happy to.
Even though the chapters were long, they were worth the read, and i'll be enjoying other chapters as i read them.
[This is not the full review, click here for the full review
|posted by Ice Phoenix|
I think you deserve a five. I know, I only read the prologue, but still, I flippin' loved it. I, for one, am not opposed to the army log format, and in fact prefer it to other formats I have seen with similar stories. I couldn't find anything wrong grammar wise, but that's only in the first part.
I devoured it, I admit. You captured my attention and held it, which is a surprising thing to do, considering I'm so easily bored. There were one or two areas that I didn't understand, but I don't think it distracts from the story. And ya know? I was thinking 'chupacabras' all while I was reading. XD I'm still thinking chupacabras, too, because i just saw Monsterquest, the one where they investigated the dog-like chupas.
I'll definitely keep reading.
|posted by Emily Holy Whisker Fish|
|Honest Review as Requested (6.8.08)||8/6/08|
This is a strong piece with an impressive word count. As well as that you have the start of an intriguing storyline.
I can't find much criticise other than that a couple of things confused me. Like how Gabriel is just a schoolboy in a strange world one minute, then you spring out that he can clone himself like Cross can when the zombie gets him. Did he know he could do that? It didn't seem to fit with what Gabriel was like before then. My advice would be to try and read it like you don't know anything about the story. If you hadn't written it, what bits would confuse you?
I think maybe you overexplained a bit in places, for example when describing how Cross' private room worked. I think at that point in the story the audience doesn't really need to know how the room works, just that its there and Cross controls it.
I hope I was useful. PM me if you have any questions!
|posted by Honest Book Reviews|
|It's very good||8/5/08|
Just read the first three chapters. Liked the army log, thought that was a clever. The fear in that part was tangible and kinda cool. I liked the idea of a species just popping up and taking over but I'd also like to know the background of these creatures, OK, having read three chapters I don't know where they've come from. And I've got they impression that new ones just pop up with no explanation. You probably explain all that later, or at least you should, because most readers will wonder at the heritage of your animals. As well as the people, I get that Gabriel is one of the Dark, same as Cross and Hairan (he just doesn't know it yet) so I wonder why they have the ability to imagine things in a special room.
Anyway, enough about that, onto writing points. Every time you come across a 'however', 'somehow', 'unfortunately', 'which of course' etc, cut it. Those kinda words give it a recap feel to it, as opposed to a flowing story.
|posted by Lisa Sills|
Oooh, I like. I like a lot. It vaguely reminds me of Shaun of the Dead.
Your detail is incredible, for the most part. There were a few places where it didn't seem to make sense, so I had to read them again. (But that may just be me. Staring at a screen all day, not too good on the brain, you know.)
Anyway, I felt the beginning could have been done a teensy bit better. I didn't particularly care to read through the Army Logs, but it was pretty good exposition, nonetheless. I've read up to Chapter Five, so far. Really interested to see where this goes...
Kudos and good luck!
And, if you have the time, would you mind taking a gander at my work? www.bebo.com/farfromanyfairytale
I'd like to hear what you think.
|posted by Michelle Lokket|
Mmm. Well, this one shows signs of improvement. It's not *quite* so rushed (sometimes) and there's actually a little dialouge and descriptions!
You're improving, but my main beef is that you still need to work on the uberness of the characters.
Here's a challenge: Write a story with the hero as some sort of ugly cripple with NO death dealing superpowers. Make him/her struggle! Overcome challenges with cunning and guile rather than just blasting the enemies away. Make him fall so he can rise, through much struggle, later.
With such powerful heros, as all you stories have, they become boring to read. Lessen the action scenes and introduce more buildup, world and character building. Make the dialogue more realistic and ensure that each character has more personality.
And keep writing!
www.tomecity.com - For writers and readers.
|posted by China Ren|
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