"The world is like a ride at an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it, you think it's real, because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round and it has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud. And it's fun, for a while...

Some people have been on the ride for a long time, and they begin to question: 'Is this real? Or is this just a ride?' And other people have remembered, and they come back to us and they say 'Hey! Don't worry, don't be afraid - ever - because... this is just a ride.' And what do we do? We kill those people!

'Shut him up! We have a lot invested in this ride! Shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry; look at my big bank account, and my family. This has to be real.'

It's just a ride. But we always kill those good guys who try and tell us that - ever notice that? - and we let the demons run amok. But it doesn't matter, because... it's just a ride, and we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort. No worry. No job. No savings and money. Just a choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your door, buy bigger guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love, instead, see all of us as one.

Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, into a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defense each year and, instead, spend it feeding, clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would do many times over - not one human being excluded - and we can explore space together, both inner and outer, forever. In peace."

The Legend that is Bill Hicks.

When I see people wearing Crocs, I know immediately that we have nothing in common, and that we could never be friends or have any meaningful kind of relationship. They come in every colour imaginable yet look bad with every other article of clothing ever created. The only thing that goes with Crocs is social ostracism.

To their credit though, Crocs serve as an excellent idiot barometer; you can tell a lot about people wearing them. For example, Amazon.com suggest products that other customers have purchased based on the item you're shopping for. Here are the suggestions for Crocs:

Corn Dogs; Oreo Pizza (WTF?); Nascar Duffle Bag; Truck Scrotum; Sizzler Gift Card

When it comes to shoes, there are usually three deciding factors: quality, price, and style. Some shoes are cheap and stylish, but poor quality, while others are stylish and durable, but expensive. Crocs usually go for £20-£40, which doesn't sound like much for a shoe, until you consider that what you're really paying for are melted pellets squirted into a cast-iron mold in some province in China. Crocs have the rare combination of being expensive, poor quality, and ugly. It's quite a feat for one shoe to suck this bad.

People who wear Crocs go on and on about how comfortable they are, and how it's supposedly odor resistant because it's made out of some kind of anti-bacterial foam. Great point, arse bandits! You know what else it's resistant to? You getting laid. Then as if the shoes weren't disgusting enough, Crocs introduced a product called "Crocs butter" that's supposed to restore that illustrious injection-molded sheen to those gaping holes they call shoes...

You know that feeling you get when you're full and slightly nauseous and you burp and you can taste the partly digested food in the back of your throat? There isn't a word in the english language to succinctly describe it, but I will hereby refer to it as: croc-butter.

ROFFLE