I LOVE This Song!
= I KNOW This Song!

Dude, all the chicks at this party are ugly
= Dude, none of the chicks at this party will talk to me.

Man, I’m hungry
= Man, if I don’t eat right now I am going to be puking all over this bar…again.

You’re really pretty
= I’m going to be really ashamed of it tomorrow but tonight is all about instant gratification, honey.

Want to watch a movie?
= Want to come over to my room for some extremely creepy back rubbing and some equally disturbing neck-nibbling?

I’m soooooooo drunk (said by a girl)
= I’m excusing myself from any blame for my actions tonight.
(or)
= I"m sooooooooo horny

I just, like, want to help animals, ya know?
= I just, like, want to get in your pants, ya know?

You’re my best friend... man!
= You’re my only friend in arm’s reach right now and I need someone to pay for this shot, man.

I don’t want to ruin the friendship
= You’re a nice girl but you’re very heavy and I’d rather pretend I value our friendship than spend tomorrow dreaming up ways to kill myself. Something along the lines of what Dave would say.

This is the BEST night of my LIFE!
= This is the BEST night of my WEEKEND!

Let’s take a walk, this bar is crowded
= I prefer my handjobs outdoors.

I’m totally fine
= I’m totally going to be needing a toilet or bucket in about five minutes

What’s up, Bro?
= What’s up, guy-who’s-name-I-can’t-ever-remember?

Hey, did you get the notes from Bio?
= Hey, I’m going to ask you about class because I’m too scared to ask you out.

I had, like, ten beers before I even came out
= I"m, like, the kind of guy that lies about how much I drink.

So whose round is it?
= PLEASE DON"T BE MINE PLEASE DON"T BE MINE PLEASE DON"T BE MINE
(or)
= I"m out of money and need someone to buy me drink

I can"t believe you"re drunk already!
= I"ve been milking a Miller Lite all night while you"ve been downing Whiskey Sours.

C"mon, she has nice big tits
= She may well indeed be horrendously fat and I"ll take a lot of shit for this tomorrow but I"m going to make petty justifications to satisfy my lust monkey.

Man, check her out.
= I"m way too intoxicated to tell if she"s attractive or if she"s a three-toed sloth. Your reaction should be helpful in deciding which she is.

She has pretty eyes.
= See "She has big tits"

This place is shit. Let"s go
= I have tried for 45 minutes and can not find a woman I want to have sex with.
(or)
= I got shot down by a couple girls over there and want to leave before they tell every woman in here about my half assed drunken attempts.

The crowd was really bad
= I was the best looking person there

The crowd was really snobby.
= I was the ugliest person there

Yeah, all bouncers suck.
= I"m too ugly/drunk/both to get in anywhere

that girl is totally eyeing me
= she glanced and looked away in revulsion

dude, this girl was totally in to me
= she gave me a fake name and left

That fat chick is kinda cute...
= Take my keys away immediately; I am in no condition to be driving tonight.

What are you drinking?
= There is no more beer left. Make me one of those.

This is my beer
= This is really your beer but since you don"t remember and this one is more full I"m going to take it.

Drunkerportation
= You"re out for a night of drinking when someone calls out "Hey, let"s go to (insert place here)!" You blink your eyes once only to realize that you are at said location, with no memory of how you got there, who came with you, or how you got in.

I have to go find my friends.
= I"m trying to get the hell away from you.

Do you want to go back to your place?
= I still live with my parents.

SYMPTOM: Pint appears to be crystal clear...
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him/her.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognise anyone, don't even recognise the room you're in.
FAULT: Don't panic - you've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they've any free pints anyhow.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest pet dog, complain about how house training has "gone to the dogs nowadays".

SYMPTOM: Pint appears unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to get you another pint.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You've fallen over backwards.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar counter.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains fag-ends.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tastes tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to loo, practise in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurry.
FAULT: You're looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to get you another pint.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another pub/party

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed, have yez no homes to go to
ACTION: Confirm home address with barman, grab taxi home.

SYMPTOM: Taxi's interior suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on a table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear though.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologise to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: That lager is too weak.
ACTION: Have more drink until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

SYMPTOM: Ugly woman/man in your sights.
FAULT: Insufficient beer intake.
ACTION: Up dosage immediately.

SYMPTOM: Shins and toes hurt.
FAULT: You've been walking into things.
ACTION: Maintain dosage.

SYMPTOM: Squishy feeling in the hands.
FAULT: You have grabbed hold of a woman's breasts.
ACTION: Duck to avoid boyfriend's fist.

Take a drink whenever:
Mitch (the guy who looks like that guy from 3rd From the Sun) touches his nose
Mitch pushes his hair out of his face
Someone takes a drink
You see pot being rolled, smoked, eaten, sold, bought, etc.
Someone says 'lick'
Someone takes a lick
Someone hands Pink the pledge sheet
Wooderson says 'Alright'
Darla says 'bitch'
The word "party" is mentioned
The Emporium is shown or mentioned
Wanna get *trashed*? - take a drink everytime someone says 'man'
Or whenever there is a white guy on the screen
Or when slater is stoned