1 A nice bit of ham.
2 Buttered biscuits.
3 Diggin Houles.
4 Saying its too cold to snow.
5 Pretending to know about The Ra.
6 Tayto Cheese & Onion.
7 Pretending they're in The Ra.
8 A stretch in the evenings.
9 Lucozade.
10 Accordians.
11 Pretending to like Holy Week.
12 A dinner dance.
13 Gettin clattered in muck.
14 Shania Twain.
15 Hefers.
16 Spittin in their hands before doing anything manual.
17 Steel toe caps.
18 A big bowl of carrots & parsnips.
19 Eating sangwiches out of the boot of a car at GAA matches.
20 Saying someones 'Opened a Book' on something.
21 The smell of fresh dung.
22 Slice-Your-Own Loaf.
23 Work Clothes.
24 A bottle of mineral.
25 Fightin'.
26 Puttin on a ganzee to stop them from bein foundered.
27 'The' Hurling/Fitball.
28 Being overweight.
29 Weemin wha resemble Hefers.
30 Saying "Aaah" after taking their first sup of tae.
31 Drink driving.
32 Red diesel.
33 The Fear of Change.
34 A nice bit of Barnbrac.
35 Lying.
36 Building walls.
37 Being starved with the cold rather than with a lack
of food.
38 Pretending to like mass.
39 Talking about shite like Flax and the Corncrake.
40 A good blackthorn walkin stick.
41 Shouting 'Yeeeeeoooo' when something good happens.
42 Mohammed Ali.
43 Machinery.
44 Strange uppy-downy walks.
45 A good f**kin read of Irelands Own.
46 Gelling their 1cm fringe tight to their forehead.
47 Scandal, as long as its about other people.
48 Turf, because Sentirl heatin's for weemin.
49 Soda farls.
50 Sponge 'n Custirt.
51 Newmerica', and anything to do with it.
52 Givin the dog the wildest baytins.
53 Givin the wife the wildest baytins.
54 The Ra.
55 Winning a leg of lamb in a raffle.
56 Wrecking the house whilst steaming.
57 Club Orange.
58 Rubbing their hands together before tucking into
their dinner.
59 The Foot & Mouth.
60 Aetin' a big feed of spuds.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in hospital.

A man walks into a bar.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed because of her terribly
low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A manx cat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.


How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
It shouldn't take more than one person to do this task, regardless of hair color.


Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.' The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Some poems rhyme
But this one doesn't.

What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?
Being raped.

What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
One was the first man on the moon, the other's a child molestor.

Doctor, I've broken my leg.
I'm afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk again.

There's an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman and they are all trapped in a jail cell.
Eventually they all starved to death.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To escape the Nazis.

Did you hear about the Irishman found under a shop?
He was killed and buried there. It was gang-related.

What's the difference between a rottwieller and a poodle?
There are many differences. They are two totally different breeds of dog.

What do you get if you cross a horse and a donkey?
A mule.

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on a plane.
However, it is a short flight and they do not talk to each other

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two
sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances
like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience,
like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse
without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around
the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking
at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog
makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated
because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a
surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag
filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an
eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another
city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when
you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced
across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains,
one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the
other from Topeka at
4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket
fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds
who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was
the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap,
only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike
Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not
eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck,
either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping
on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one
slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around
with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard
bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

26. She was as easy as the TV guide crossword.

27. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty bag filled with vegetable soup