Jist oncest, Jist oncest. I wid like tae be able talk tae you withoot feelin... like I've jist gargled wie *Preparation X!

Aye, we dae, we dae, we dae, aye...

Who the hell are you by the way?

Mary, you and I go back a long way to let a pound of dead meat come between us.

It's not Buckfast that sign should say, it should say Fastbuck”

“There's nothing that restores yer faith more in human nature than meeting some poor bastard that's just as mad as yourself.”

“Some place Govan eh?, where else can you get a fish supper at 9 O AM?, simple, just steal it off a drunk that's been lyin pished outside a close all night.”

I'll transplant my boot up yer arse in a minute, ya ouzie unctious bastard that ye are!!"

I will tell you this, I will tell you this boy!

ya swine that ye are

Arrgh Come On Mary Doll

It's a bliddy site more fun worn inside than out.”

boot about the melt,

beat it!!

Whit?" -Pardon?

"Aye." -Yes

"Naw." -No; equivelent to the classical Edinburgh version of "nae," or, coming from an ignorant Aberdeen virgin who supports an obscure group called "Caley Thistle," yes

"Fuck"- Yes/No/Oh dear!/I dislike your shoes/You reek of vomit/I'll have the deep fried Kebab Pizza Please.

"Am urnae!"- I am not

"Yes am are" - Yes I am

"Ya Cunt!" - You're dislikable/You good natured amigo/You reek of mouldy vagina.

"Ekkies" - Drugs

"Aye am minted" - Yes, I am a rich bastard.

"Pish(ed)" - Alcohol, under the influence of; urine, usually meant in racist context to refer to Frances McKee, the Maryhill Catholic prostitute favored by many of the city's young Protestant boys

"Chib" - The act of using a small, sharp accessory (such as a Stanley Knive or Philips-Head Screwdriver), often used by a Glaswegian during a petty dispute in order to gain an advantage over his or her adversary. Or, in random unexpected and unprovocked attacks.

"Ah didnae dae onythin'! Fuckshake!" - I have committed a crime.

'Yer upp! eh duff!' - I see you have currently been shagged and now have a cushion under your t-shirt.

ocht/acht - upon feeling bored, sorry, fed up one often reacts with the simple use of the words och/acht weeel pronounced as in wheel (h being silent) us ayrshirians are too darn lazy adding an extra letter

On no account should you mention Soccer, because that is an American word, and the good people of ayrshire enjoy speaking their own unique brand of English. The Highland Clearances can be mentioned if you want to hear a Glaswegian laugh like a drain about "thae herdy-gerdy teuchter cunts".

Form the words of our god, Billy Connely, us scottish decend from an irish tribe, a kind of mentally ill irish tribe haha oh how he describes the ppl of this land....tis soo true...

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD afternoon ladies and gentle men and welcum to our 50th GAAAAARRRRGGGGGle on tournament.

thats right u have a chance of winning a dip of a life time in the mud swap of your choice, right here in girvano, spend your weeknd brousing the variety of shops .. thats right people sue rider and the co-op for an entire day, then skip down the shore for a wee ice cone at the beach, watchcn the tractors move sand from one part to the other, mayb hearing the occasional 'fuck off ye bastard' from the workmen as they eat their poke a chips and the gulls attack them. finish off the excellent day by spending your evening on a romantic stroll down girvan main street, say hello to the locals, ul usually find them wae their trackies and bottle of bucky at a we spot called 'stumpy'. if u escape attack then venture into big micks, the best pub grub in girvano, thats right a packet of scampi fries and pint of lager mmmmm wat more could u ask. now ladies and gentlemen the night life, amazin, spend the rest of your night shakin that ass in the nightclubs, wat a time youl have, u even hav a selection - flix - thats right for all those over 40s lookin for a bit of tongue action and then uncle fester, better known as 'le mirage'...its big enough for every one - all 20 folks, its girvans answer to a cattle market - BRILLIANT!!

for a chance in a lifetime, all u hav to do is garggle your on spit for over 1 minute without swallowin or passin out.

simple as that folks.

u must hav video evidence of this or no prize of a life time

runners up will be in with a chance of winning a day in the life of a girvano bin man. thats right YOU get to spend the day pickin up shyte from all those yolkels - what more could u ask for

so get gargglin my friends and send your entries to;

gibby gorgle
69 over the hill
garglton

GOOD LUCK!!