Thursday 02 October: Hey Joe!
In the second part of the Newcastle United soap opera Joe Kinnear failed to follow the script when, upon his return from the wilderness, the former Wimbledon boss saw fit to pepper his opening monologue with expletives.

Angered by the press coverage of his unexpected arrival on Tyneside the 61-year-old used his first official press conference to berate some of the journalists he believed had it in for him.

Kinnear entered the press room and said: "Which one is [Daily Mirror journalist] Simon Bird ?"

Simon Bird: "Me."

Joe Kinnear: "You're a c**t."

And it went downhill from there. Next week's episode of the Tyneside telenovela will have to be rescheduled to post watershed.

Ballincolligisation. It denotes the spread of one Parish into another. Namely, the spread of Ballincollig into Ovens.

For so long we Ovensies were seen as "dem muckers". The inhabitants of Ballincollig who had notions about themselves because they had a a set of traffic lights, a petrol station and a bicycle shop by L'n'N, thought they were better then us Ovensies and dismissed us as second class citizens.

For all we had was a school, a church, two shops (three if you include Jim Gleeson's), five or six pubs and a post office.

We also had a connection to the likes of Aherla and Farran although that didn't do our reputation any good to be honest…Ovensies like myself have superiority complex in relation to those two places like but that's another story.


MUCKERS
"Muckers!!", they'd shout towards our little Eire Òg pavilion where our culchie Oven's discos took place.



4km from Ballincollig a new sign has suddenly appeared!
They imagined that at this disco, one male Mucker would "shift" a Female Mucker he was obviously related to, whilst in the background "Cotton Eyed Joe" was played and once the clock struck 10.30pm, the Muckers would go their separate ways on the back of tractors and back to the farms to tell the parents about their escapades.

One would head towards Farran, the origin of Muckers, and the other towards Killumney-the posh part of Ovens.

Very Romeo and Juliet but not quite. Instead it was a tale of two cousins, kept apart by the River Bride, several fields, a poor public transport system and the laws against incest. That's what the Ballincolligonians thought of us anyway.

OVENS HEATING UP
But then Michael O'Flynn of O'Flynn Construction fame, made it big building a golf course in upper Srelane.

The Celtic Tiger roared around the highways and byways of Ovens. So any place rural like Ovens was seen as posh. Not just Killumney, but Kilcrea, Garryhesta, Knockanemore and Classis etc.

Holy God it was fantastic. The doctor's surgery was revamped. Eire Og got a new pitch and a fancy tunnel like structure to get to it. Oven's School won the odd Fèis Matthew and Sciath na Scoil.


Four Star Pizza: allegedly Ballincollig's biggest attraction
The County Council re-tarred the Boreen so you were able to drive on it without fear of a puncture. Ditches were cut back. Houses went up here, there and everywhere (so did the house prices mind) and pubs got redecorated, taken over and had put in parking. The side of the main road was no longer good enough for us Ovensies. Oh no. We wanted a parking space now.

THE RISE OF DA COLLIG
In the meantime, Ballincollig was going up in the world itself. They acquired a cinema, a Spar, jewellers, chip shop, another petrol station and a few roundabouts. Then they got a shopping centre, a Four Star Pizza and another bicycle shop and traffic lights to beat the band.

But still they were jealous of our big houses, our clean air, our Lee Valley Golf Course, our John A Woods quarries, our Kilcrea Friary-where Art Uì Laoire is buried, our Kilcrea Castle where the King of Munster once lived, our caves, EMC, Podsie O'Mahony's etc and someone, somewhere in Ballincollig decided that they were going to create a type of Lebenstraum for Ballincollig.




Kilcrea Castle near Ovens. Soon to be a centra?
In doing so they would break our spirit and suppress our Ovensie culture by instead introducing da'Collig gangs, graffiti, car crime and that Cork City wannabe accent that they had themselves.

This is evident by the existence of a "gang" in Ovens known as "The Rocky Road Gang". I wonder what would they call themselves if the council re-tarred that road…think about it….

Anyway, we had history and fame and they wanted a piece of the action. The novelty of having more than just one Centra had clearly worn off. So people who used to frequent pubs in Ballincollig now came to pubs in Ovens spreading their accent and ways. Kids

Here are 12 of the finest double-entendres that were aired on tv

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when
Daryl Gibson comes inside him. "

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely
horse. I once rode her mother."

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - " Ah,
isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the
Cox of
the Oxford crew."

5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is
playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his
balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??"

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team
Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, " So Bob,
where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE
have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were
laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters - "Ballesteros felt much better
today after a 69 yesterday."

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night
like this."

10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only
come in his shorts."

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes
to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."