Auditing

A question to ponder...
Are you a prostitute or are you an auditor?

1. You work very odd hours.
2. You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.
3. You are paid well but your pimp gets most of the money.
4. You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room.
5. You charge by the hour but your time can be extended.
6. You are not proud of what you do.
7. Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.
8. It's difficult to have a family.
9. You have no job satisfaction.
10. If a client beats you up, the pimp just sends you to another client. 11. You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.
12. People ask you, "What do you do?" and you can't explain it.
13. Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.
14. Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.
15. Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or Jaguars. 16. Your pimp encourages drinking and you become addicted to drugs to ease the pain of it all.
17. You know the pimp is charging more than you are worth but if the client is foolish enough to pay it's not your problem.
18. When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday AM to Friday PM).
19. You are rated on your "performance" in an excruciating ordeal.
20. Even though you get paid the big bucks, it's the client who walks away smiling.
21. The client always thinks your "cut" of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.
22. When you deduct your "take" from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp. 23. Your pimp seams to often abuse you, forgetting that without you, he would not have a business.
24. You do all the real work, but the pimp has a higher stigma and more money, and really just has to "coordinate" the work for you. Sometimes,you wonder if you could just make more money pimping out yourself.
25. You get so brainwashed into the lifestyle, that you don't realize that life can be better, until it is too late. 26. Personal time, or a work/life balance, is meaningless to your pimp,all he cares about is satisfying the clients, despite how many times he tells you he loves you.
27. After a few years, you find that all your non-prostitute friends are no longer your friends, because you lost touch and your schedule and lifestyle was difficult to manage, and you find that you associate primarily with other prostitutes.
28. The turnover rate is ridiculously high. Everyone thinks they can do it for a few years, no problem, but after just a few clients railing you, many break under the pressure, or quit for a better life.
29. Most of the time, your job could be performed by a well-trained
monkey.
30. You thought college was a waste of time

01)- Thou shalt drink only pints and/or "whiskey."
02) - Thou shalt always ate the skin of yer rasher.
03)- Thou shalt always stand at the back during mass, or even better,in
the porch talking.
04) - Thine Wife shalt emulate Biddy from Glenroe.
05) - Thou shalt emulate Miley.
06) - Thou shalt "Suck Diesel."
07) - Thou shalt pretend to know all about "The Headage."
0 - Thou shalt look after your tractor better than your car.
09) - Thou shalt have no "Revershing" lights or number plate on your
trailers.
10) - Thou shalt display a "Travellin' to Flavin" sticker on the back
window of all vehicles.
11) - Thou shalt wear your Ivomec Pour-On fleece with pride.
12) - Thou shalt not use but half-inch Wavin or "a good Sally Rod" for
beatin cattle.
13) - Thine sons shall play rugby (playin n da shit).
14) - Thine daaawwwthur shall marry the local centhur-forward.
15) - Thou shalt hold regular arguments with d'telly.
16) - Thou shalt reminisce the Fair Day, the Threshing, Kickin'
Cabbages and the Corncrake.
17) - Thou shalt know a Mickeen Tomeen Joe and a Paddy Joe Paaaack from
"the top of the parish."
1 - Thou shalt ate "Hang Sangwiches" and drink Cidona at all GAA
matches.
19) - Thou shalt hate "Those Backstards the Tans."
20) - Thou shalt be edumacated by the Chrissshtian Brethers.
21) - Thou shalt pronounce 'Yellow' as 'Yella'.
22) - Thou shalt carry the A.I. Man's mobile number on you at all
times.
23) - Thou shalt not visit Dublin ( except to Croker and to bring the
wife shoppin' on the 8th of December ).
24) - Thou shalt not fail to attend the Ploughing Championships and all
Steam Rallies.
25) - Thou shalt always know how to reek turf bether than thine
Neighbour.
26) - Thou shalt use balin' twine to hold up thine trousers.
27) - Thou shalt not ever visit the dentist.
2 - Thou shalt not miss an episode of "The Weather."
29) - Thou shalt have many many injuries from "that Hooooor of Charlois
I got from that cowboy calf-dealer."
30) - Thou shalt wear cap crooked.
31) - Thou shalt love all Big John Wayne's fims, especially "The Quiet
Man."
32) - Thine son shall be nicknamed "Bungalow," 'cos "he's got nothin'
upstairs."
33) - Thou shalt shoot stray dogs.
34) - Thou shalt drown cats.
35) - Thou shalt think all Lesbians are from Lesbia.
36) - Thou shalt annually run the tractor off the end of the pit when
tramping silage.
37) - Thou shalt taste all barrels of Molasses.
3 - Thou shalt think it's great craic to ring PJ and roar into the
phone while he's with "the bit of stuff."
39) - Thine favourite chat-up line shalt be "Howya fixshed for a bit a
howya goin' on ?" whilst winking like an epileptic.
40) - Thou shalt paint "Whatever County for Sam!" on all of your round
bales.
41) - Thou shalt never leave the country.
42) - Thou shalt have a Heinz-57 mongrel of a dog which is for nothin'
except terrorising the neighbour's sheep.
43) - Thou shalt only bathe on a sathurday niyat, using only carbolic
soap
44) - Thou shalt read the Farmer's Journal.
45) - Thou shalt always support your county GAA team whilst curshing
them for being "pure sh!te" at every given opportunity.
46) - Thine sweet of choice shall be either Ritchies After-Dinner Mints
or Silvermints.
47) - Thou shalt only be aware of strippers of the bovine kind.
4 - Thou shalt refer to Soccer as "The Foreign Game."
49) - Thou shalt always sing to dirty line to "Alice."
50) - Thou shalt always receive Communion on the tongue, licking the
priest's hand in the process

Comprehending Accountants - Take One

> >Two accountancy students were walking across campus when one said,
> >"Where did you get such a great bike?" The second accountant replied,
> >"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a
> >beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground,
> >took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first
> >accountant nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably
> >wouldn't fit."
> >
> >
> >
Comprehending Accountants - Take Two
> >
> >An architect, an artist and an accountant were discussing whether it
> >was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect
> >said He enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an
> >enduring relationship.
> >The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, Because of the
> >passion and mystery he found there. The accountant said, "I like both."
> >"Both?" The accountant replied "Yeah.
> >If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are
> >spending time with the other woman, and You can go to the office and
> >get some work done."
> >
> >
Comprehending Accountants - Take Three
> >
> >To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass Is
> >half empty. To the accountant, the glass is twice as big as it needs to
> >be.
> >
> >
Comprehending Accountants - Take Four
> >
> >An Accountant and His Frog"
> >An accountant was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to Him
> >and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He
> >bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke
> >up again And said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful
> >princess, I Will stay with you for one week". The accountant took the
> >frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The
> >frog then Cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,
> >I'll stay with You and do ANYTHING you want." Again the accountant took
> >the frog out, Smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally,
> >the frog asked, "What Is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful
> >princess, that I'll stay With you and do anything you want. Why won't
> >you kiss me?" The accountant said, "Look I'm an accountant.
> >I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a Talking frog, now that's
> >cool." ;
> >
Comprehending Accountants - Take Five
> >
> >A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of
> >Divisional Manager. He devised a simple test to select the most
> >suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question,
> >"What is two and two"? The first interviewee was a journalist. His
> >answer was "twenty-two."
> >The Second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a calculator and
> >showed the Answer to be between 3.999999 and 4.000001. The next person
> >was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v. Commr of Stamp
> >Duties (Qld), two And two was proven to be four. The last applicant was
> >an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two?"
> >The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it
> >then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a
> >low voice, "How much do you want it to be?" He got the job.
> >
> >
What's the definition of an accountant?
> >
> >Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't
> >understand.
> >
> >What's the definition of a good tax accountant?
> >Someone who has a loophole named after him.
> >
> >When does a person decide to become an accountant?
> >When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an
> >undertaker.
> >
> >What does an accountant use for birth control?
> >His personality.
> >
> >What's an extroverted accountant?
> >One who looks at your shoes while he's