and so we're walking and walking...myself the Reverend Rarsclart and four gentlemen who would soon become the Arctic Monkeys. Fargate, Sheffield. You know the scene big open shopping precinct centre of town, every big dirty City in the North has one. Obligatory Marks & Sparks and an HMV!
The conversation was the usual. "What do you reckon to this tune?" or "do you fancy her?" Another night fades into the usual monotony of talking bullshit about nothing cos' we've nothing else to do.
McDonalds. Gutted! Three stars and Elders pop in for regurgitated plastic cup of slime masquerading as a chocolate milkshake and we're off to the gig none of us wants to go to but its better than staying in watching soaps and the like.
just then we pass a homeless person in Dixon's doorway, or a tramp to those who don't care for political correctness. A particular favourite of mine. (When you spend a lot time in town you begin to recognise the homeless guys. Develop favourites even).
"Spare any change mate?" he says in his Scottish growl. Like Billy Connelly but dirtier. Alex gives him his last 18p. Heart warming it is. He could have almost joined hinm with his ripped jeans and scruffy Americana look. (Long before dancing shoes and dressing smart seemed a good idea). I'll hurry and get to the point, you're bored i can feel it.
Cooky reckoned he felt bad as they'd spent their last few quid at our local Globalisation conveniece store so our four warriors start a conversation with the guy. By now i admit Rev Rarsclart's thinking "yeah and that's gonna stop him wanting you to fetch him a bacon double cheeseburger init?" "Freezing lads innit. Like the fucking arctic" says the homeless Billy Connelly look-alike. "Like the arctic".
We'd been there about fifteen minutes when Alex whips out the acoustic. Rarsclart's despairing expecting a run through some happy clappy version of 'Imagine' or something when i'd rather be in the relative comfort of the number 80 home, but to my surprise Billy Connelly and the four gentlemen manage to rustle up something resembling music and it makes me quite happy. I even lent them my lush baritone for one number.
The guy looked really happy. Maybe that someone had taken time to stop and talk to him who wasn't a Christian do gooder or another special red drinker. Or maybe cos' the lads had diverted his attention from the constant video feeds of MTV and 24 hour news on the TV's in Dixons's. Diverted him from everything he couldn't have yet, yet was just a pane of glass away.
Then he said it. As we got up to leave, he said it. It stays with me. "Its like the fucking arctic lads. But you've warmed me. You warmed me ya little monkeys".
You don't need me to tell you the rest cos' its history. But it happened and now you know. And Bang Bang is a bloody stupid name for a band anyway.

Goodnight truth seekers
The Rev J Rarsclart

1, Who are you?
2, Are we friends?
3, When and how did we meet?
4, Do you have a crush on me?
5, Would you kiss me?
6, Give me a nickname and say why u chose it?
7, Describe me in one word?
8, What was your first impressions of me?
9, Do you still think that about me now?
10, What reminds you of me?
11, If you could give me anything wot wud it be?
12, How well do you know me?
13, When was the last time you saw me?
14, Ever wanted to tell me summat that you couldnt?
15, If you were asked wud you go out wiv me?

Every time a church bell rings, Mr. T pities a fool.

Mr. T doesn't pity anyone who likes the Black Eyed Peas. He just kills them.


Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.


When he found out he would lose the rematch while making Rocky III, Mr. T administered to Sylvester Stallone an angy look. Seeing Mr. T's anger broke every bone in Sly's face, left him mildly retarded and unable to remember the incident. To this day, Sly has no idea why he shits his pants at the mere sight of a black man with a mohawk.

Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. the result was the 80's.


23. That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.

Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created Pity.


Mr. T pities fools because even fools deserves their daily dose of vitamin T.


Mr. T once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that Mr. T was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

Mr. T once captured Bigfoot, but released him after he shaved the beast and realized that it was just Chuck Norris walking around naked in the woods.


On the A-team, Face , Haniabal, and Murdoch were all masters of disguise. Mr T didn't have to wear a disguise. The bad guys didn't recognize him out of fear.


Mr. T and Chuck Norris once encountered each other on a lonesome British path. Before the inevitable battle could begin, the earth shit itself and created Scotland.


There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Mr. T is going to walk.


A break in the space-time continuum occurred on July 9th, 1986. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a guy into Mr. T while he was pitying some fool. Mr. T and Chuck Norris had words (better known as jibba jabba). Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Mr. T at the exact moment Mr. T punched him in the chest. The result was an alternate universe where Mr. T roundhouse kicks people and Chuck Norris pities fools.


Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he can only kick through doors.


Mr. T coined the phrase, "I see dead people," after the waiting staff at Denny's forgot his birthday.

Mr. T. does not break wind. He destroys it.


Mr. T's edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it.

Mr. T pities the fool who doesn't pity the fool, thus creating a neverending loop of pity and pain.

Mr. T's pity for fools is used by mathematicians as a demonstration of the concept of infinity.

Despite popular belief, Mr. T in fact ended the civil rights movement by getting on a bus....all caucasian people moved to the back.

Mr. T once shook hands with Chuck Norris, or so it appeared, in actuality, their combined power caused an earthquake, which gave their hands a look of shaking to any onlookers, who were probably too scared to accurately testify anyway.

Mr. T does not have to kick the crap out of you, crap runs out of your ass in fright when you come into contact with Mr. T.


Mr. T is not black. It's just that the sun is to afraid to shine on him.


Mr. T once bit off more than he could chew. He ate it anyway.

Behind every great man, there is a great woman. Behind that woman is Mr. T.


Despite popular belief, if there is a fool in the woods, and nobody is around to hear his jibba jabba, Mr. T is still able to pity him.

Mr. T puts the laughter in manslaughter.


Mr. T once pitied the sun. An ice age followed.


The last time Mr. T went to McDonald's, Ronald McDonald greeted him. What occured next proved to be the most violent