"if i was in their shoes... well they haven't got any"
- karl talking on starving africans getting goats for christmas

"What does a goat give you?"
Ricky and Steve: "Milk"
"Right, now wouldn't it be easier, just to send a bottle of milk."
-On Oxfam's scheme.

It wouldn't happen... There hasn't been one publication by a monkey.
Expressing his disbelief regarding Infinite monkey theorem.

It's big, but there's nothing there. It's like the millenium dome
Karl's view on why space isn't interesting

Don't chuck stuff about because you'll break it.
Karl fails to grasp the metaphorical nature of the 'People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones' proverb.

It was bacteria, fish, mermaid, man, onwards and what have you.
Karl ponders the stages of man's evolution.

I just like odd stuff.
Karl gives a reason for his fascination with 'freaks'.

Cheer someone up, have a laugh with them, make their day and that.
Karl's alternative Christmas message of 2005.

Don't be chucking that out you might need it later.
Karl's interpretation of Benjamin Franklin's "Waste not, want not."

Why didn't evolution give them genes to make them good at carpentry then, so they could build a ladder instead of growing long necks?
On the the evolution of the giraffe.

The cafe was called Tattoos. The fella who owned it didn't have any tattoos... but we never saw his wife.
In Karl's Diary.

Yeah, but you never sort of see a thirty five year old one.
On how Chinese people don't age well.

I once laughed myself to sleep, because I couldn't believe my luck.
Karl on the joy of sleeping when he was a kid.

15 reasons y u shud love northern ireland

1. The community spirit behind sectarianism on both sides

2. We beat England 1-0 and made a song about it

3. We have 5 seasons; as well as Autumn, Spring, Winter and Summer we have the riot season (also known as marching season)

4. We have more terrorist organisations than the middle east

5. The home of Harp; the pint we call our own

6. We are so good, the English ripped off the look we call steek/milly and called it chav

7. The home of the petrol bomb

8. The average time you will have your wallet in the centre of Belfast is 35 seconds

9. The only place where you will have your car stolen and thieves will try and sell it back to you

10. We enjoy a challenge eg. if you lock your house up we will rob it but if you go out and leave your front door open and windows open we will not touch a thing, cuz its no fuckin fun!

11. The only country where people will fight over Rangers and Celtic and not know any players in the teams

12. Our riot squad are that good that they train the english police riot squads

13. The average teenager can make at least 3 diffrent types of explosive

14. The average pregnancy age is 13.5

15. The only country germany are afraid of

27 amazing facts about THE HOFF

1. David Hasselhoff is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a
>game of tennis.
>
>2. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures David
>Hasselhoff allows to live.
>
>3. When David Hasselhoff drinks pee, his asparagus smells funny.
>
>4. When David Hasselhoff was born, the nurse said, "Holy Cow! That's
>David Hasselhoff!" Then she had sex with him. At that point, she was
>the third girl he had slept with.
>
>5. When David Hasselhoff goes to donate blood, he declines the
>syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
>
>6. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects David
>Hasselhoff could use to kill you, including the room itself.
>
>7. The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time
>Satan borrowed two bucks from David Hasselhoff and forgot to pay him
>back.
>
>8. David Hasselhoff can count backwards from infinity.
>
>9. Crop circles are David's way of telling the world that sometimes
>corn needs to lie the f**k down.
>
>10. When David Hasselhoff jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get
>wet. The water gets David instead.
>
>11. David Hasselhoff can divide by zero.
>
>12. In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World
>Records it notes that all world records are held by David
>Hasselhoff, and those listed in the book are simply the closest
>anyone has ever come to matching him.
>
>13. David Hasselhoff is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to
>put up with lactose's sh1t.
>
>14. David Hasselhoff has two speeds: walk and kill.
>
>15. David Hasselhoff is the reason why Wally is hiding.
>
>16. David Hasselhoff can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass.
>At night.
>
>17. You are what you eat. That is why David Hasselhoff diet consists
>entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.
>
>18. David Hasselhoff once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even
>touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in
>between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat
>itself out of fear.
>
>19. David Hasselhoff played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun
>and won.
>
>20. If you were to lock David Hasselhoff in a room with a guitar, a
>year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep
>the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this David replied
>"Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the
>seriousness of his response.
>
>21. On his birthday, David Hasselhoff randomly selects one lucky
>child to be thrown into the sun.
>
>22. When David Hasselhoff does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself
>up, he's pushing the Earth down.
>
>23. Whenever David Hasselhoff puts out a cigarette, he throws it in
>slow motion into a long line of gasoline and calmly walks away as an
>inferno erupts behind him.
>
>24. David Hasselhoff invented black. In fact, he invented the entire
>spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
>25. David Hasselhoff coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after
>he ate every last unicorn in existence.
>
>26. David Hasselhoff haunts Freddy Krueger's nightmares.
>
>27. The eternal connundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force
>meets an immovable object" was finally solved when David Hasselhoff
>punched himself in the face.