The Plymouth manager tells how his New Year's resolutions have gone down the pan, why he's rubbish in the FA Cup and why Pete Doherty's a lucky man.


NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS
I've broken them all already! I wasn't gonna swear this year and I ruined that on New Year's Day by swearing at the fourth official.

I was devastated at the end - not because we didn't win the game or that the ref cancelled out our goal, or that he should have cancelled their goal, or that he sent my centre forward off for deliberate handball which wasn't deliberate at all.

Nothing to do with any of that - it was the fact that I swore at the fourth official about the linesman on the other side. So that's one New Year's resolution gone and the second one went that night when I was a bit down and had one glass of wine too many.

So what a terrible New Year I'm having! I wasn't going to drink for at least a month and I was going to get fit and all that and I've blown it.



FA CUP THIRD ROUND DAY
You can never be confident of avoiding an upset, that's the beautiful thing about the Cup. I've got some horrendous injuries at the moment, so who knows? But I'm confident my team will go up to Peterborough and give a good account of themselves.

The result is sometimes in the lap of the Gods. But I will prepare to try and win the game.


Are you Ollie in disguise?

My record over the years has been shocking. I'm like a cheap tea bag - I don't stay long in the Cup!

I've either been with a team where we've got a small squad or we've been in administration, so by the time January comes we're absolute desperados, we're down to brass tacks.

On Saturday I've got a 21-year-old and an 18-year-old and a 17-year-old on the bench. That's my strikeforce.

It's a very, very tough fixture like every single January game always is. You feel the cold steel on the back of your neck as a manager in January.

But the FA Cup is a wonderful competition and we should never underestimate it.



ANDY HESSENTHALER PLAYING IN CUP FOR BARNET AT 42
I'm not tempted to put the boots on again, ever. But then Hessie's a lot fitter than I am. He never used to be but he is now.

We should check him to make sure he's not an alien because that bloke's just superhuman.

I reckon if you cut him up the middle there's going to be a little alien holding up a stick like on Men in Black! Steward's inquiry on Andy Hessenthaler - is he human?



WEST HAM'S DRUBBING


I sympathised with Alan Curbishley after that 6-0 hammering West Ham got at Reading but it's not sympathy that anyone wants. I've got empathy, I know what it feels like.

What you're looking for is for your team to have character. They had it last year but they've probably all got a bit too bloody big for their boots.

I lost 6-1 at Leeds a couple of seasons ago when I was manager of QPR - and that was after going 1-0 up. I think we got them angry. You feel embarrassed for all the people who've driven up there - it's just humiliating.

And I lost to Vauxhall Motors in the Cup on penalties - now you don't get much more embarrassing than that because their name's atrocious isn't it?

It sounded like we were beaten by a car. We didn't get into first gear and were automatically knocked out of the Cup.

It meant that much that a taxi driver who is now a good friend of mine came in and spoke to me for two hours about what I should have done.

But then I looked at the team he would have picked and I said "They're all bloody injured, you complete pillock!" He didn't realise how hard it was being a football manager.



KATE MOSS AND PETE DOHERTY 'MARRYING'

Some guys have all the luck

They're tying the knot in Thailand are they? What day's that - does he know what day it is?

I think that'll be a very good catch for him. All I can say is there's hope for all of us ugly b****rs!

I've got a lovely woman and

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Roy Keane allows to live.

When Roy Keane goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

Roy Keane is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Roy Keane is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's jobby.

You are what you eat. That is why Roy Keane's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

Roy Keane can divide by zero.

The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Roy Keane punched himself in the face.

Roy Keane invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Peter Lovenkrands invented pink.

Roy Keane doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Roy Keane what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he Brutally stamps you in the face.

Roy Keane uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

Since 1971, the year Roy Keane was born, Brutally stamping related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Roy Keane.

It was once believed that Roy Keane actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Roy Keane himself to lure more pirates to him.

Roy Keane once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a gaelic football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Roy kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

When Roy Keane's wife burned the turkey one Christmas, Roy said, "Don't worry about it darlin'," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a brutal stamping to the face and said, "Never question Roy Keane."

Those aren't credits that roll after Scotsport SPL ; it is actually a list of people that Roy Keane brutally stamped in the face that day.

Roy Keane once brutally stamped on someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Roy Keane does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Roy Keane instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he penned the word to the Soldiers Song in Irish then English (So the cnvts knew what he was on about).

Roy Keane built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Roy met all three bullets with his tadger, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Roy Keane sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled football ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Roy Brutally stamped the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

A man once asked Roy Keane if his real name is "Royston". Roy Keane did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Roy Keane recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Roy Keane can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "bejesus".

Roy Keane does not sleep. He waits.

Roy Keane once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

The chief export of Roy Keane is pain.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Roy Keane. His re