Being a Kiwi is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. Oh and...

Only in N.Z. ... Can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in N.Z. ... Do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in N.Z. ... Do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.

Only in N.Z. ... Do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in N.Z. ... Do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars on the drive and & lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in N.Z. ... Do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in N.Z. ... Are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION...
3 Kiwis die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

58 Kiwis are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Kiwis have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

8 Kiwis had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Kiwis were admitted to emergency in the last two Years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
and finally.....

In 2000 8 Kiwis cracked their skull whilst throwing up in the toilet.

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon." She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase and took it home "I have something to show you - you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, “Schwartz is dead!"

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied, “the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied: Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: “I have something I must confess." "There's no need to” his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work."

AN AUCKLAND WINZ OFFICE

A patch wearing Mongrel Mob member walks into a local Auckland WINZ office, stomps straight up to the counter and says, "Hey bro, I hate living on the dole eh. I wanna find a job." The fella behind the counter replied, " Your timing is amazing. We have just got a job from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/Bodyguard for his sex mad daughter. You will have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, but the suits, shirts and ties are provided. Because there are long hours in this job, meals will be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holiday. The salary package is $200,000 a year." The mobster picks his jaw up off the floor and says "You're bull shitting me bro!" The Man behind the counter looks at him and replies, "Well.............. You started it!'

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What has an illegal SAMOAN immigrant got in common with a sperm?
Millions of the f*#kers come flooding in but only one bastard works.

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Maori boy comes home and says “Hey mum, I have the biggest cock in the third form. Is it because I’m black?” Mum says “No Hun. It’s because your 19.

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Kia ora productions have complained there are not enough Maori's on tv. So TVNZ have agreed to screen Police Ten 7 twice a week....

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Samoan man returns book to library, bangs it on the counter and says, “Too many characters, no story at all”. Librarian: “So you’re the one who took the telephone directory”.

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You know there are accomodation problems in Auckland, when chinese start moving into suitcases.

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What does a ford and a tampon have in common?
They both come with tow ropes and they are both designed for pussies.

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An old mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to the bed. "You lissin-a me - I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns. Howzabout you leava me your rolex watch instead?"
"Shuddup and lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business, you gonna have a beautifulla wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a coulple a bambinos. Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe find your beautiful wife in bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then? Pointa to your watch and say: ‘Times up?

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Husband says “My Olympic condoms have arrived. Tonight I’m going to wear a gold one.” Wife says “Why don’t you wear a silver one and cum second for a f*#king change!”

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A farmer said to his misses “If you had bigger tits we could get rid of the cows.” She replied “If you had a bigger cock we could get rid of the tractor driver.

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Hubby: Let me take a photo of your tits so I can look at them when I want to. Wife: Let me take a photo of you dick so I can get it enlarged.

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How do you tell an Asian has robbed your house? Your dog has been eaten, your kid’s homework is done and they are still trying to back out the driveway.

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Wife sits for 4 hours looking at her marriage certificate. Husband asks “what are you doing?’ She replies “I’m looking for the f#*king expiry date!!!”