A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. 'Comfy?' asks the dentist. 'Govan,' she replies.

What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography? Oor Wullie.

A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of antlers?' 'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter. 'That's affa deer,' says the guy.

Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement? He's awa' noo.

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt. 'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate. 'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress,' he replies.

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A skean dhu.

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing. 'No,' argues the assistant, 'look at the label - it says Taiwan '

What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer? The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off of my cloud.' And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe.'

What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect? A wee fly b*****d.

What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident? The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.

While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked: 'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?' 'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says. 'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?' 'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative - 'Aye right.'

A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car. 'What's up, Jimmy?' he asks. 'Piston broke,' he replies. 'Aye, same as masel..

Statistically... 9/11 Americans won't get this joke

What's an archeologist?
Someone whose career is in ruins.

What's Mary short for?
Coz shes got no legs

If two collars had a race, how would it end?
In a tie.

Why would you take a hammer to bed?
So you could hit the hay.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him

Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

Why did the shark eat the man?
It was hungry


Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
It was stapled to the first monkey.
Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure.

A man walks into a bar because hes an alcoholic and its destroying his family

What's a man with a seagull on his head?
A man with a seagull on his head.

How do you get Pikachu on a bus?
You poke him on

What's brown and runny?
Usian Bolt

What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?
Being raped

'what did batman say to robin before they got in the car?
Robin, get in the car!!'


Gary glitter was involved in a drug raid last night.
They found class a drugs in the kitchen
they found class b drugs in the bathroom
In his bedroom they found class 5C, all of them

did you hear wacko jacko is in jail.
he's got a 12 year old crack addiction

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because your mum's a slag.

Why was there lipstick on the blonde's steering wheel?
She was trying to blow the horn.

Did you hear about the scarecrow that won a Nobel prize?
He was out standing in his field.

(23:43) Authority in my: ok(20:47) Authority in my: woddup home dawg
(20:47) Lucy (L) =]: sup homw boy
(20:4 Lucy (L) =]: i mean home
(20:4 Lucy (L) =]: ruined my entrance
(20:4 Authority in my: i guessed
(20:4 Authority in my: its kl we do it agen
(20:4 Lucy (L) =]: ok
(20:4 Authority in my: woddup home dawg
(20:4 Lucy (L) =]: Suppp home boiii


(17:17) ('.') Chuckie- T: and polish barbers suck eggs
(17:17) Lucy (L) =]: lol
(17:1 Lucy (L) =]: i thought that pinjabi men would steal my garrige door and buy a teapot with it
(17:1 ('.') Chuckie- T: y
(17:1 ('.') Chuckie- T: punjabi*
(17:1 Lucy (L) =]: beats me
(17:1 Lucy (L) =]: first thing that popped into my nrain
(17:1 Lucy (L) =]: *brain
(17:1 ('.') Chuckie- T: u have 1??? Wow


17:07) ('.') Chuckie-lets t: cake
(17:07) Lucy (L) =]: cakeeeeeee?
(17:0 ('.') Chuckie-lets t: tis wat i typer
(17:0 ('.') Chuckie-lets t: typed*
(17:0 Lucy (L) =]: 8-)
(17:09) ('.') Chuckie-lets t: According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday
(17:09) Lucy (L) =]: whos chuck norris]
(17:10) ('.') Chuckie-lets t: .......................


(17:03) ('.') Chuckie- p: from the pope
(17:04) ('.') Chuckie- p: nope the pope
(17:04) Lucy =]: nope to the pope?
(17:05) ('.') Chuckie- p: Cake
(17:05) Lucy =]: Aubergenes



(20:31) Lucy =]: i also got a diamond skull belt
(20:31) Hey Harry Potter: ...
(20:31) Lucy =]: pretty retro
(20:31) Hey Harry Potter: not the word i was thinking of
(20:32) Lucy =]: Shutupp
(20:32) Hey Harry Potter: Okay
(20:32) Lucy =]: Lol
(20:32) Lucy =]: when i say that
(20:33) Lucy =]: ur not actually ment to




(17:56) Lucy =]: do u believe in karma
(17:56) ('.') Chuckie-au: nope im not a hindu


(23:20) Authority in my: fruitfly sperm is the largest sperm
(23:20) Authority in my: in the world
(23:20) Authority in my: watchin QI
(23:21) Authority in my: im not just som1 who knws this
(23:21) Lucy =]: really>
(23:21) Lucy =]: Lol
(23:21) Lucy =]: thats .. wonderful
(23:21) Authority in my: i knw

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(18:13) ('.') Chuckie-au: u r not serious
(18:13) Lucy =]: then i said
(18:13) Lucy =]: Deadly
(18:13) Lucy =]: =]
(18:14) ('.') Chuckie-au: Hahahahahaha
(18:14) ('.') Chuckie-au: but seriously, u r not serious
(18:14) Lucy =]: obvvv i am
(18:14) ('.') Chuckie-au: gd ure not



(22:51) ('.') Chuckie-to: squirrels like to pelt him with nuts
(22:55) Lucy (L) =] [[ The Adventure ]] has changed his/her status to Idle
(23:27) Lucy =]: like to pelt who?
(23:41) ('.') Chuckie-to: Eddy
(23:42) Lucy =]: i see


(18:15) EEEEEEEEEEAAAAAA: well ure a lesbian
(18:15) Lucy =]: lol shutup
(18:15) EEEEEEEEEEAAAAAA: for claire and steven


18:22) EEEEEEEEEEAAAAAA: my uncle was 17 when he died
(18:23) EEEEEEEEEEAAAAAA: born in a leap year
(18:23) Lucy =]: well im not ur uncle tho
(18:23) Lucy =]: im lucyyy
(18:23) EEEEEEEEEEAAAAAA: yes u r
(18:24) Lucy =]: lol shutup
(18:24) EEEEEEEEEEAAAAAA: no seriously


(18:36) Lucy =]: i actually thought that u fought in the vietnam war


(19:35) Lucy =]: i am smart
(19:35) Am i puzzled by: wheres vietnam???
(19:36) Lucy =]: em
(19:36) Lucy =]: mexico?
(19:36) Am i puzzled by: well done lucy
(19:36) Am i puzzled by: no its not
(19:36) Am i puzzled by: its near china
(19:36) Am i puzzled by: remember
(19:36) Lucy =]: it sounds mexicoy to me


(22:55) Lucy =]: i have a bass
(22:55) Lucy =]: its invisible
(22:56) Chuckie- Bassist: kl
(22:56) Chuckie- Bassist: so r ure friends
(22:56) Chuckie- Bassist: hahahahahahaha
(22:56) Chuckie- Bassist: im so funny


(19:04) Lucy =]: i wanna be an environmental management surveyor
(19:05) Lucy =]: i m