Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays,
hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of
endless family gatherings.
However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to
believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your
influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone Calls and Text Messages: While I agree with you that
communication is important, I question the suggestion that any
conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would
you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact
they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of
the night? And why would you make me text people that I don't actually
want to know about but seem to be unable to stay away from?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I
eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese,
onion and mustard (washed down with WINE) & topped off with a Kit Kat
after a few sweet chilli and sour cream chips? I'm an eclectic eater, but
think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do
more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by
causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue
marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front
door key into the lock!!

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery
may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely
unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions
are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to
sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn,
the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily
activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to
ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when
I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order
to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances
above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than
Thursday 3:30pm (pre - Thirsty Thursday happy hour) onyour possible
solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your biggest fan

P.S. Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiates

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
I) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning

Primary School:
Ruth and Máire-Caitríona getting their eye-patches changed at lunch. When it rained we got to stay in with our crayons and our colouring books. When it was hot enough we got to wear shorts to school. Tara and Ben Books. Micí, Lúlú, Rírá & Nelí the irish books. Tin whistle lessons & recorder lessons. Going to BCS astro-turf and all trying to get John Rat to name us man of the match of the match. Wednesday swimming lessons. Jerry’s green swimming shorts going see-through. Clidfford getting caught looking at porn on the school computer. Collette and her fecking blue stars. Blue tack fights and pritt stick fights. Doing that stupid Feis Mathew poem “Neil Peel and my dear old friend Daaaave Dirt!”, & the “Sooty and sweep puppet show”. Jerry had curly hair, Joe had short hair with a massive cows lick. Trabolgan school tours.
Kicking cones in the yard so they’d get stuck in the trees. Getting put on milk delivery duty. Knitting poodle wine bottle covers. Having about 20 surprise parties for Áine Mhic an Uladh and giving her diabetic chocolate. Baking and doing loads of art. Dan Sheehan got his own special table. The soldier …was it Fiona?? Watching Buaillí and réaltóg. City sports trials…with Rob in his orange tracksuit. All the birthdays being read out over the intercom.