1.If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get yourself down the gym.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. It causes arguments when we comment on it.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present.......again!

5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

6. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

8. Dogs are better than ANY cats.

9. Saturday = Football. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

10. Shopping is not a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

12. You have enough clothes.

13. You have too many shoes.

14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

15. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

16. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it.

17. No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

18. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

19. Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes, what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, that would look good with your dress?

20. Yes, No and Mmm are perfectly acceptable answers.

21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. Now.

22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

23. Check your oil. It is an essential part of the car.

24. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

25. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

26. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

27. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.

28. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

29. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

30. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

31. Consider football a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.

32. Women wearing Wonderbras, low-cut blouses, tight tops, no jackets, chest level logo'd t-shirts etc. etc. lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

33. When we are in bed and look tired this means that we are tired and does not mean that we want to discuss the relationship.

34. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

35. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

36. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

37. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

38. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

39. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it just isn’t worth the hassle.

40. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as the offside rule or the merits of various strong European lagers.

41. Thank you for reading this; yes, I know, I have to sle

finally after 4 long years of asda i am free!

it really is a shitty place 2 work! i am so glad that i will never be workin any stupid bakshifts again!

the only good thing about asda is the banter there r some good folk trapped there, i hope u all escape soon!

i would like to reaffirm my loyalty to the bhoys and warn all those who wish to defame me with such scurrilous accusations, such as describing me as a "closet hun", that this will not be tolerated.

Mr Easton my lawyers will be in touch.