"... and Brian Dooher is down injured. And while he is, i'll
tell ye a little story. I was in Times' Square in New York last
week, and I
was missing the Championship back home. So I approached a
newsstand
and I said 'I suppose ye wouldn't have the Kerryman would ye?'
To which, the
Egyptian behind the counter turned to me and he said 'do you
want the
North Kerry edition or the South Kerry edition?'... he had
both...so I bought
both. And Dooher is back on his feet..."

"Anthony Lynch the Cork corner back will be the last person
to let you down - his people are undertakers"

"I saw a few Sligo people at Mass in Gardiner street this
morning and the omens
seem to be good for them, the priest was wearing the same
colours as
the Sligo jersey! 40 yards out on the Hogan stand side of the
field Ciaran
Whelan goes on a rampage, its a goal. So much for religion."

"Colin Corkery on the 45 lets go with the right boot. Its over
the bar.
This man shouldn't be playing football. He's made an almost
Lazarus-like
recovery from a heart condition. Lazarus was a great man but he
couldn't
kick points like Colin Corkery.

"1-5 to 0-8.. well from Lapland to the Antarctic, that's level
scores
in any man's language".

"Pat Fox has it on his hurl and is motoring well now ... but
here comes Joe
Rabbitte hot on his tail ...... I've seen it all now, a Rabbitte
chasing a
Fox around Croke Park!"

"I see John O Donnell dispensing water on the sideline.
Tipperary,
sponsored by a water company. Cork Sponsored by a tae company. I
wonder
will they meet later for afternoon tae."

"Teddy looks at the ball, the ball looks at Teddy"

"Danny "The Yank" Culloty. He came down from the mountains and
hasn't he
done well"

"He grabs the sliotar, he's on the 50......he's on the
40......he's on the
30..........................he's on the ground"

"In the first half they played with the wind. In the second half

they played with the ball".

"He kicks the ball lan san aer, could've been a goal, could've
been a
point.............it went wide."

"Stephen Byrne with the puck out for Offaly....Stephen, one of
12......all
but one are here to-day, the one that's missing is Mary, she's
at home
minding the house.....and the ball is dropping i lar na
bpairce...."

"Pat Fox out to the forty and grabs the sliothar, I bought a dog
from
his father last week. Fox turns and sprints for goal, the dog
ran a great
race last Tuesday in Limerick. Fox to the 21 fires a shot, it
goes to
the left and wide..... and the dog lost as well"

"Sean Og o Hailp?n.... his father's from Fermanagh, his mother's
from Fiji, neither a hurling stronghold"

"Teddy McCarthy to John McCarthy, no relation, John McCarthy
back
to Teddy McCarthy, still no relation"

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies trying to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth

Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden (Unless it's Dutch Gold, in which case, you are morally obligated to use the cans as clay pigeons). Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.

Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

If one man starts singing along to the radio in the car, you are not allowed to join in, unless gay.

Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just mean.

If you complement a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her - Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation. End of story

I've now met two of the three hickeys. your ass is mine fez.