Our definition of binge drinking is a few pints of diesel chased by some equally rural liquor mixes. And even then, the bartender is more likely to lock in than turf out. We settle our differences on the sports pitches, not the streets, and instead of lifting cars we nick signs from the rival colleges. Our jeans are ripped and stained but they weren’t when we bought them. We carry penknives in our Barbours, not flick knives in our Bombers and only wear a hood when it’s raining. We swear like blinking troopers but apologise afterwards. We have no unnecessary plastic on our Peugeots, just unnecessary chrome on our pick-ups. We like The Wurzels more than Drum & Bass and know all the words to Summer of 69. We cannot dance, but we do not pretend we can; and we think an empty grain store is the best clubbing venue ever. Our idea of fast food is a sandwich on a tractor and we are proud of it. We have no money, but unlike urban chavs we are prepared to work for it.

farmers guide to p.c's

MODEM............. What you do to silage fields
INTERNET.......... Where ferrets chase rabbits
KEYBOARD.......... Where you hang your keys
LOG ON............ Making the fire hotter
LOG OFF........... Now it's to hot
HARD DRIVE........ Getting home during bad weather
DOWNLOAD.......... Taking bales off a trailer
MEGAHERTZ......... What you get when your not to careful downloading stuff
REBOOT............ Putting your wellie on after it got stuck in the mud