1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth

3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your back side

5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

6. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

7. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

8. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible

crisp no one would eat?

9. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll

squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

11. What do people in China call their good plates?

12. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't

point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom?

13. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

14. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

15. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over billion stars

in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint

somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at

you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the

window?


Peter Kay's Universal Truths

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your

pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a

calculator

6) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a

fire in your back garden.

Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

9) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

10) Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

11) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

12) the most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your

teacher mum or dad.

13) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way

through and then raced against the flush.

14) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

15) You never ever run out of salt.

16) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got

your hand or head stuck in something.

17) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

1 Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their

arm broken by a swan.

19) the most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an

upturned plug.

20) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.

21) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood

specifically to stir paint with.

22) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

3 men sat in a pub sharing their wealth of knowledge about the great English game of football. A man comes over and starts chatting to them, and offers them a bet.

He says "My knowledge of all the teams in England is so great, that I bet each of you £200 that if you bring a football in here tomorrow from any training ground in the country, I can tell you where it came from". So they all take him up on the bet, and travel far and wide to get the footballs.

Next day in the pub, they all meet up, 3 of them carrying the footballs. The first one offers his ball, the guy looks at it and says "This ball is hardly scuffed, it has only been caressed, it smells of many different colognes, and many different cultures, I believe this ball came from Chelsea" The man who brought the ball hands over £200 and says "that is amazing"!

2nd man hands over his ball, and the man says "This ball is really badly scuffed, it has bounced very high and been kicked all over the park very hard. It also has a smell of the North, I believe this ball has come from Bolton". The man hands over £200 and says "That is amazing".

3rd man hands over his ball, the man squeezes the ball, throws it straight back, and says "Easy, Birmingham City". The man hands over £200 and says "Amazing, how did you get it so quickly?" Easy says the man "It's going down!"

11 Rules of Bebo

ONE
If you're ugly,
stop acting like you don't know it.
The captions under you picture that says
"top model pose"
"sexy bitch"
"arnt i hot"
doesn't convince anyone.


TWO
To the people who have like 25,000 friends,
are you serious?
Nobody in this universe can keep up with that many friends.
You're stupid.
Go play in traffic.


THREE
Don't ever post pictures and say
"OMG, I'm so ugly"
"OMG,I'm so fat"
because if you were,
you wouldn't post them.


FOUR
Nobody cares about threats over the internet.
Don't try to act hardcore with the keyboard.
Fighting online is like fighting your mum,
you can't actually punch then.


FIVE
Making 20 bulletins a day
about how you have new pictures
and begging people to comment on them is pathetic.
Make the bulletin once if you have to,
and those who actually care about you
will comment on your pics.


SIX
If all your pictures look the same,
don't post them all.
Please put some variety in your pics.
Nobody wants to see your face
8 different ways.


SEVEN
Who really cares if
I don't accept you as a friend?
MOVE ON!!!
Don't send me another request or message asking
"what's up with you not adding me?"
I don't want you as a friend;
that's what's up!


EIGHT
For all the people who beg
for people to strip on cam,
go somewhere else
because nobody wants you here.!!!


NINE
If you have decided to read this,
you are a true bebo Friend.
Real friends read their bulletins.


TEN
I say you go and pass this on
and maybe it will finally get through people's brains
(if they have them).

ELEVEN
And if you open a msg and it says something like
"repost this in 100 seconds or a ghost will haunt you"
IT'S NOT REAL!
QUIT BEING AN IDIOT!!!!!!!!
PEOPLE WHO HAVE NO LIFE WHATSOEVER MAKE THAT RUBBISH UP THINKING THAT PEOPLE WILL FALL FOR THEIR STUPID TRAP!!! AND YOU DO!!!!




This is a test to see how many people
in your friends list
actually pay attention to you.


"like omg if u dnt repost dis in 1 second at midnte/ and if you do at midnight your true love will...SHUTUP U !!! aint nothing gonna happen"


load of crap!!!