November 6, 1887
Celtic Football Club is formally constituted in St Mary's Church Hall in East Rose Street (now Forbes Street), Calton. The purpose is stated as being to alleviate poverty in Glasgow's East End parishes.

May 28, 1888
Celtic beat Rangers 5-2 in a "friendly". It is the new club's first match and is played on the first Celtic Park.

1889
Celtic reach the final of the Scottish Cup in their first full season of competition, but they lose 2-1 to the well-established Third Lanark. However, the club wins its first trophy, the North-Eastern Cup (a local competition), beating Cowlairs 6-1 in the final.

1892
Celtic win the Scottish Cup for the first time in their history by defeating Queen's Park 5-2 in the final at Ibrox Park. A few months later, the club moves to its present ground.

1893
Celtic win their first Scottish League Championship.

1897
The club becomes a private limited liability company, and Willie Maley is appointed secretary-manager.

1905-1910
Celtic win the League Championship for six successive seasons.

1907
Celtic achieve the "double" by winning the Scottish Cup and the League Championship in the same season, the first time the feat has been achieved in the history of the national sport. The team repeats the achievement the following season.

1914-1917
Celtic win the championship four times in a row.

1937
Celtic beat Aberdeen in a Scottish Cup final, watched by a record crowd of 146,433 at Hampden Park. The attendance (sometimes reported as 147,365) remains a record for a club match in Europe.

1939
Celtic win the Empire Exhibition Trophy by defeating Everton 1-0 at Ibrox after extra time in the final.

1945
Former player and ex-captain Jimmy McGrory replaces Jimmy McStay as manager.

1953
Celtic defeat Hibernian 2-0 in the final of the Coronation Cup, held to celebrate the crowning of Queen Elizabeth II. The invited teams included the best in Scotland and England, and the final attracted a crowd of 117,000 at Hampden Park.

1956
Celtic win the League Cup for the first time - after a decade of striving - by beating Partick Thistle 3-0 in a replay.

1957
Celtic retain the League Cup in memorable style by thrashing Rangers 7-1 in the final.

1964
Celtic reach the semi-final of the European Cup-Winners' Cup in only their second campaign in European competition, but lose 4-3 on aggregate to MTK Budapest.

1965
Jock Stein succeeds Jimmy McGrory as manager in March 1965, and guides the team to the first victory in a Scottish Cup final in 11 years. Billy McNeill's dramatic header seals a 3-2 win over Dunfermline Athletic.

1966
Celtic win the championship for the first time in 12 seasons, and reach the semi-final of the Cup-Winners' Cup again before losing 2-1 on aggregate to Liverpool.

1967
Celtic complete their most glorious season by winning every competition entered: Scottish League, Scottish Cup, League Cup, Glasgow Cup and the European Cup. The climax of the season is the 2-1 victory over Inter Milan in the European Cup final played at the Estadio Nacional in Lisbon on May 25, 1967. Celtic thus become the first British (and non-Latin) club to win Europe's most coveted trophy.

1970
Celtic reach the final of the European Cup again, but lose 2-1 to Feyenoord after extra time in Milan. In the semi-final Celtic defeated Leeds United in both legs. The second leg at Hampden Park was watched by 133,961, the largest crowd ever to watch a match in European club competition.

1972
Celtic reach the European Cup semi-final for the third time, but lose in heart-breaking fashion at Parkhead to Inter Milan when Dixie Deans misses the first spot kick during the penalty shoot-out.

1974
Celtic win the league championship for the ninth season in a row - at the time, a joint world record for success in domestic titles. The team reaches the semi-final of the European Cup for the fourth time, but loses 2-0 on aggregate to Atletico Madrid.

1978
Billy M

THE FIVE STAGES OF DRUNKNESS

Stage 1 - CLEVER
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right.

And, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong.This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.

Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVE
This is when you realise that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you.

Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless wallet. You can also make bets at this stage because of course you are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you are clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present.

Stage 4 - INVINCIBLE
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because you are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or strength. You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well as being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE than them anyway.

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything,because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You can also snog the face off them for the same reason.You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know all the words.

THE FIVE STAGES OF SOBERING UP!!!

Stage 1 - STUPID
As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the headache, the churning stomach and the cold sweats, you realise that you have lost not only several hours of your life but also the ability to concentrate on anything whatsoever. You are now STUPID and will remain so for a minimum of 12 hours.

Stage 2 - UGLY
Never entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom mirror first thing you are horrified to discover that you have now become even UGLIER than you previously thought possible. Not only have you got bloodshot eyes and a glorious collection of spots but you are shaking so much that your grandfather probably looks healthier. Unfortunately you are still too STUPID to know better than to try and shave/apply makeup whilst shaking.


Stage 3 - POOR
Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are about to shamble out the door when you discover that the money that was to last you the week is now missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no idea what happened to it but the traces of curry on your clothes allow the possibility that you might have treated everyone to a takeaway at some point. Alternatively your pocket could have been picked or you might have given the taxi driver a fifty pound note by mistake. Rationalising that you couldn't possibly have been that STUPID and that you would remember being robbed, you come to believe that you were the only one who bought any food or drinks all night and start to loathe all your friends.

Stage 4 - FRAGILE
As you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently FRAGILE self-esteem plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition ensures that you feel liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you.

Stage 5 - CONSPICUOUS
This is the final stage of sobering u

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know
where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch
when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire
room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change
the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
Fucking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it
is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people
do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No
tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking
floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?. Didn't really give me a
choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new,
then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement,
then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the fuck?? Life is the longest
damn thing anyone ever fucking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come
yet?. If the bus came would I be standing here, Knob head?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So
what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No
it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an
image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't
insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering..... It has to be a
McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks. Well I'll have
a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fucking McTosser