A pirate walks into a bar..
and he goes up to the bar man to ask for a drink. the bar man says. do u know u have a e ships wheel down the front of your trousers???
the pirate says aaarrrr its drivin me nuts

A man walks into a pub.

He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

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Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?

She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

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Why do undertakers wear ties?

Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.

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How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?

One.

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Why do women fake orgasms?

Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

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Two men are sitting in a pub.

One man turns to the other and says: "Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house."

The other man replies: "Yes, she has become a prostitue to subsidise her drug habit."

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Did you hear about the Irishman found under a shop?

Yes, he was killed and buried there. It was gang-related.

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What's the difference between a rottwieller and a poodle?

There are many differences. They are two totally different breeds of dog.


A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on a plane.

However, it is a short flight and they do not talk to each other.

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What do you call a man with a spade in his head?

You call him an ambulance. He may have fractured his skull.


Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders
off.

****

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?

Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest

****

Why did the Nigerian come to Europe?

Because of the poor socio-economic conditions in Nigeria

I LOVE This Song!
= I KNOW This Song!

Dude, all the chicks at this party are ugly
= Dude, none of the chicks at this party will talk to me.

Man, I’m hungry
= Man, if I don’t eat right now I am going to be puking all over this bar…again.

You’re really pretty
= I’m going to be really ashamed of it tomorrow but tonight is all about instant gratification, honey.

Want to watch a movie?
= Want to come over to my room for some extremely creepy back rubbing and some equally disturbing neck-nibbling?

I’m soooooooo drunk (said by a girl)
= I’m excusing myself from any blame for my actions tonight.
(or)
= I'm sooooooooo horny

I just, like, want to help animals, ya know?
= I just, like, want to get in your pants, ya know?

You’re my best friend... man!
= You’re my only friend in arm’s reach right now and I need someone to pay for this shot, man.

I don’t want to ruin the friendship
= You’re a nice girl but you’re very heavy and I’d rather pretend I value our friendship than spend tomorrow dreaming up ways to kill myself.

This is the BEST night of my LIFE!
= This is the BEST night of my WEEKEND!

Let’s take a walk, this bar is crowded
= I prefer my handjobs outdoors.

I’m totally fine
= I’m totally going to be needing a toilet or bucket in about five minutes

What’s up, Bro?
= What’s up, guy-who’s-name-I-can’t-ever-remember?

Hey, did you get the notes from Bio?
= Hey, I’m going to ask you about class because I’m too scared to ask you out.

I had, like, ten beers before I even came out
= I'm, like, the kind of guy that lies about how much I drink.

So whose round is it?
= PLEASE DON'T BE MINE PLEASE DON'T BE MINE PLEASE DON'T BE MINE
(or)
= I'm out of money and need someone to buy me drink

I can't believe you're drunk already!
= I've been milking a Miller Lite all night while you've been downing Whiskey Sours.

C'mon, she has nice big tits
= She may well indeed be horrendously fat and I'll take a lot of shit for this tomorrow but I'm going to make petty justifications to satisfy my lust monkey.

Man, check her out.
= I'm way too intoxicated to tell if she's attractive or if she's a three-toed sloth. Your reaction should be helpful in deciding which she is.

She has pretty eyes.
= See "She has big tits"

This place is shit. Let's go
= I have tried for 45 minutes and can not find a woman I want to have sex with.
(or)
= I got shot down by a couple girls over there and want to leave before they tell every woman in here about my half assed drunken attempts.

The crowd was really bad
= I was the best looking person there

The crowd was really snobby.
= I was the ugliest person there

Yeah, all bouncers suck.
= I'm too ugly/drunk/both to get in anywhere

that girl is totally eyeing me
= she glanced and looked away in revulsion

dude, this girl was totally in to me
= she gave me a fake name and left

That fat chick is kinda cute...
= Take my keys away immediately; I am in no condition to be driving tonight.

What are you drinking?
= There is no more beer left. Make me one of those.

This is my beer
= This is really your beer but since you don't remember and this one is more full I'm going to take it.

Drunkerportation
= You're out for a night of drinking when someone calls out "Hey, let's go to (insert place here)!" You blink your eyes once only to realize that you are at said location, with no memory of how you got there, who came with you, or how you got in.

I have to go find my friends.
= I'm trying to get the hell away from you.

Do you want to go back to your place?
= I still live with my parents

ANYBODY UNDER THE AGE OF 13 SHOULD NOT RE-POST THIS.
JUST CAUSE YOU WERE BORN IN '93' OR '94' DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE A 90s KID.
IT'S NOT LIKE YOU COULD REMEMBER SOME OF THE ORIGINAL SIMPSONS.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A 90s KID IF...



YOU CAN SING THE RAP TO "THE FRESH PRINCE OF BELL AIR"



YOU'VE WORN LEGGINGS AND FELT COOL.



YOU USED TO LOVE PLAYING WITH YOUR "PUPPY IN MY POCKETS"



YOU REMEMBER WHEN IT WAS ACTUALLY WORTH GETTING UP ON A SATURDAY MORNING TO WATCH LIVE & KICKING OR SM:TV.



YOU HAD A HUGE FRINGE AT SOME POINT IN YOUR CHILDHOOD.



YOU REMEMBER READING AND WATCHING "GOOSEBUMPS"



YOU TOOK PLASTIC CARTOON LUNCH BOXES TO SCHOOL.



YOU KNOW THE WORDS FROM THE SHAKEY JAKE MILKSHAKE ADVERTS



YOU REMEMBER THE CRAZE OF YO-YOS AND TAMAGOTCHI'S



YOU STILL GET THE URGE TO SAY "NOT" AFTER EVERY SENTENCE.



NOT.



YOU KNEW THAT KIMBERLY, THE PINK RANGER, AND TOMMY, THE GREEN RANGER WERE MEANT TO BE.



YOU COLLECTED POKEMON CARDS.



YOU PLAYED AND/OR COLLECTED POGS.



YOU HAD A WEIRD ALIEN THAT LIVED IN GOOEY STUFF IN A PLASTIC 'POD' AND THOUGHT IF YOU STUCK 2 BACK TO BACK THEY WOULD HAVE A BABY OR THEY WOULD OPEN THEY'RE EYES ON THE MILLENIUM!



YOU WATCHED THE ORIGINAL POSTMAN PAT, FIREMAN SAM AND NINJA TURTLES.



YIKES PENCILS WERE THE BEST!-WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM?



YOU REMEMBER WHEN THE NEW BEANIE BABIES WERE ALWAYS SOLD OUT



YOU GOT YOUR MUM TO BUY 'BN' BISCUITS



YOU USED TO WEAR THOSE STICK ON EARRINGS, NOT ONLY ON YOUR EARS BUT AT THE CORNERS OF YOUR EYES.

YOU KNOW THE MACERENA BY HEART.



"TALK TO THE HAND" ENOUGH SAID.



YOU REMEMBER THE TIME BEFORE LITERACY AND NUMERACY HOUR EXISTED.



YOU THOUGHT BRAIN FROM "PINKEY AND THE BRAIN" WOULD FINALLY TAKE OVER THE WORLD.



FURBY'S!!!



YOU REMEMBER BUM BAGS.



YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO BE ON FUN HOUSE



YOU COLLECTED TAZOS.



2 WORDS; SPICE GIRLS.



YOU WORE DISNEY PLASTIC RUCKSACKS

RE-POST THIS IF YOU ARE A 90s KID AND CAN RELATE TO
ANY OF THESE, OR ALL OF THEM