Whoop-de-fucking-doo. Excuse me if I don't involuntarily shit in my affordably stylish, yet reassuringly popular Top Man boxers, at the news that Barrack 'Christ' Obama, won the US elections. My reaction was akin to that of a forty year old doctors wife, finding out about another one of her husbands string of mistresses, and deciding yet again that the fact that he's rich and buys her nice dresses kind of cancels it out. Imagine a sort of semi-apathetic, cynical, mildy bemused rolling of the eyes, coupled with a tut. That comes pretty close.

To look at the faces of some of the moronic cockrings being interviewed about the win on CNN, you'd have thought Jesus himself had come again, or we'd just found out that Batman was in fact real, and was going to be fighting the 'war on terror' from now on. Grow up, and accept the fact that he's just a man, and that when the dust of the campaign media circus floats gently to the ground, Obama will be golfing while the city burns just like anyone else. That's if he manages to make it through a year without trying to actually change anything, which of course will result in a hasty departure from the whitehouse like others before him.

What's all this crowing about 'the first black president' about anyway? Why don't we just say, "well, those uppity slaves finally made something of themselves." Whether he's black, white, purple or made entirely out of rice krispies and condensed tears, surely we should be focusing on his policies and promises for the future, not fixating on irrelevant race issues. I've got an idea. Next time just install a giant supercomputer on the whitehouse lawn, call it God and let it reply to any line of questioning with rhetoric, logical fallacy and fearmongering fairy stories. Then we can all rejoice at the coming of the first electronic president, and ignore the fact that it's just a Wizard-of-Oz-style cardboard facade with Donald Trump inside wanking off with a fistful of diamonds and trying to stifle a heart-stopping laughter fit.

Anyway, it's about time we stopped pretending like it matters. Both McCain and Obama received the bulk of their campaign funding from the same three global corporations, who will be calling the shots no matter which party is in power. Put up your hand if you think that American presidents really call the shots. Go on, stand up and be counted. Do you believe in Santa too? I bet you do sonny boy, I bet you do. It's time to come to terms with the fact that in five years time you'll be microchipped, tagged, and CCTV cameras in your home will be recording your every wank until planet earth crumples into a fiery, slightly brown mush a few years later. No matter what face is on the coin, you're paying for your own slow, brainwashed descent into idiot slavery.

Or you could go out and vote, you placid, media-slave fucksticks. Go on, make a difference.

I'm not living
I'm just killing time
Your tiny hands
Your crazy kitten smile

And true love waits
In haunted attics
And true love lives
On lollipops and crisps

Hi. Can you close your eyes? Pretend you can see the ocean. Pretend you're standing over the ocean. You're a millionaire. Pretend you're running under the ocean. You're jumping across mountains. You're jumping across mountains. Everybody loves you.