CHUCK NORRIS
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

It is impossible to be raped by Chuck Norris because that would mean you did not want it to happen.

Chuck Norris has only one hand: the upper hand.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

The movie Anaconda was filmed in Chuck Norris' pants.

Objects in Chuck Norris's rear-view mirror appear at their correct distances.

Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

Chuck Norris is the reason for Attention Deficit Disorder. There is no way anyone can pay attention when they know Chuck Norris is lurking.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris never hides, he only seeks.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in "Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide.

Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Whenever someone is constipated, doctors send them to Chuck Norris so he can scare the shit out of them.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

If you try video taping Chuck Norris without his permission you will very quickly be filming the inside of your own ass.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris' cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.

Chuck Norris did that to Michael Jackson's face.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.

Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down. He struck oil.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.

If you lost your virginity, Chuck Norris probably has it.

Ozzy Osbourne ate the head of a bat, but Chuck Norris ate Batman.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

Jawbreakers were originally in the shape of Chuck Norris' fist.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.

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Ha HA ha
Learn Chinease!!!!

1) Thats not right........ Sum Ting Wong


2) Are you harboring a fugitive................... Hu Yu Hai Ding


3) See me ASAP.............. Kum Hia Nao


4) Stupid Man...............................
. Dum Fuk


5) Small horse.................. Tai Ni Po Ni


6) Did you go to the beach?.................... Wai Yu So Tan


7) I bumped in to a coffee table................. Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni


I think you need a face lift...................... Chin Tu Fat


9) It's very dark in here........................... Wao So Dim


10) I thought you were on a diet............... Wai Yu Mun Ching


11) This is a tow away zone....................... No Pah King


12) staying out of sight.............................
. Lei Ying Lo


13) He's cleaning his automobile................ Wa Shing Ka


14) Your body odor is offensive.................. Yu Stin Ki Pu


15)Great..................... Fa Kin Su Pah

Irish Road Rules 7 days ago

1. Indicators will give away your next move. A confident Irish driver avoids using them.

2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, because somebody else will fill in the space, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you have of getting hit.

4. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially with LM, CN or KE plates. With no insurance, the other operator probably has nothing to lose.

5. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that
your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous, foot massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to strengthen your leg muscles.

6. Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It's a good way to prepare other drivers entering the motorway.

7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a suggestion and are not enforceable in Ireland during rush hour.

8. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tyre. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.

9. Learn to swerve abruptly without signalling. Ireland is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to the Department of Public Works, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them alert!

10. It is tradition in Ireland to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not move three milliseconds after the light turns green.

11. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or rollover, it is important to exit your vehicle through the windscreen right away. Wearing your seat belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from danger.

12. Remember that the goal of every Irish driver is to get ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.

13. WARNING! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended