Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit.Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain . Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies , your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good !

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING !!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.


Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOW what a ride!'

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help WOMEN cope with the stress that builds during the day

BREAKFAST
1 Grapefruit
1 slice whole-wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

LUNCH
1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Tim Tam

AFTERNOON TEA
The rest of the Tim Tams from the packet
1 tub of Gino Ginelli ice cream with chocolate topping

DINNER
4 bottles of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size Supreme pizza
3 snickers bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK
1 whole Woolworth's cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

REMEMBER :
'stressed' spelled backwards is 'desserts'

Send this to four women and you will lose two kilograms

Send this to all the women you know (or ever knew) and you will lose 10 kgs

IF you delete this message you will gain 10 kgs

And Finally, here's some advice for you:

Dr. Neil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.......

So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonay , a bole of Baileys, a butle of Kehuha, a pockage of Tim Toms , tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke, some saltins an a bax a cholates.

Yu haf no idr who gud I fel.

Oh I come, from a nation
What knows how to write a song…
Oh Europe, where or where did it all go wrong….?

COME ON!!!!!!

Irlande douze points

Drag acts and bad acts and Terry Wogan’s wig
Mad acts and sad acts, it was Johnny Logan’s gig

Shake your feathers and pop your beak
Shake em to the west and to the east
Wave euro hands and euro feet
Wiggle to the edge of the turkey beat

Irlande douze points
Irlande douze points
Irlande douze points
Do the funky beat

D O E double B L E Yeah

Hello Abba, hello Bono, hello Helsinki
Ola Prague, hello sailor, se la vie
Alvida sein Mama Mia, and god save the Queen
Bon joir Serbia, good day Austria
You know what I mean?

Shake your feathers and pop your beak
Shake em to the west and to the east
Wave euro hands and euro feet
Wiggle to the edge of the turkey beat

Shake your feathers and pop your beak
Shake em to the west and to the east
Wave euro hands and euro feet
Wiggle to the edge of the turkey beat

Irlande douze points
Irlande douze points
Irlande douze points
(and fart!)
Irlande douze points
Irlande douze points
Irlande douze points
Do the funky beat
COME ON!!

Give us another chance, we’re sorry for riverdance
Sure Flately he’s a yank
And the Danube flows through France
Block voting, shock voting
Give your 12 today
You’re all invited to Dublin Ireland
And we’ll party the Shamrock way

Irlande douze points
Irlande douze points
Irlande douze points
Irlande douze points
Irlande douze points
Do the funky beat
COME ON!!

Irlande douze points
Irlande douze points

Eastern Europe we love you
Do you like Irish stew?
Or goulash as it is to you?

Shake your feathers

Listen Bulgaria we love you
Belarus, Georgia, Montenegro,
Moldavia, Albania, Croatia,
Poland, Russia, Ukraine,
Macedonia, Love you Turkey
Hungary, Estonia, Slovakia,
Armenia, Bosnia Herzegovina
And don’t forget the Swiss!

Mick and Paddy O'Leary are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Paddy grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.


Mick whips out his cell phone and calls 999. He gasps to the operator, "By t'undering, I think Paddy is dead! What should I do?"


The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's actually dead."


There is a silence...and then a gun shot is heard.


Mick comes back on the line: "Okay, now what?"