everybody, lets get mohawks

Q Why don't they have Christmas at DCU?
A. They can't find three wise men and a virgin.

Q. What do you get when you drive quickly through the Carlow campus?
A. An undergraduate degree.

Q. What's the first thing a BESS bird does when she wakes up in the morning?
A. Walks home.
Q. How do they separate the men from the boys at Trinity?
A. With a restraining order.

Q. What does a UCD student call a Trinity student after graduation?
A. Boss.

Q. Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans in Carlow?
A. Because the sheep can hear the zippers a mile away.

Q. Did you hear that the library at NUI Maynooth burned down?
A. Naturally, the students were very upset....some of the books weren't coloured-in yet.

Q. Why do UCD graduates put a copy of their diploma in the window of their vehicles?
A. So they can park in handicap spaces.

Q. How do you get a IT grad off your front porch?
A. Pay him for the pizza.

Q. What do tornadoes and Arts graduates have in common?
A. They both end up in trailer parks.

Q. How many Athlone IT students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None - Westmeath looks better in the dark.

Q. How many Trinity students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. One - he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him

Q. How many UCD students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Two - One to change the bulb and one more to explain how they did it every bit as well as any TCD student.

Q. How many Bolton St. DIT students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Three - One to change it and two to figure out how to get high off the old one.

Q. What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead UCC student in the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q. If you see a DIT student on a bike, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A. It might be your bike.

Q. What do you have when 100 Arts students are buried up to their neck in sand?
A. Not enough sand.

Q. What do Science students use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.



Peter Kay
1) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

2) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

3) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

4) I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

5) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

6) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour
said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'

7) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

9) You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.


Peter Kay's questions

1) Why does a gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth

3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your backside?

5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

6) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

7) Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

9) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

10) Who was the first