When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

a really ugly girl walked into the doctors office because she thought that she had a disease.So she went to the office and the doctor said”if we really want to find out i will need you to strip please”.The lady stripped down completely and the doctor gave her a stern look and said”oh my this is not good at all”,he sighed.”whats wrong doctor”?im very sorry to say this but you have exzackery disease”.”Whats that”?Its when your face looks exzackery like your butt

why’d the man leave the house? because it wasn’t his.

a man goes to the doctors, he says “i just cant stop singing delilah!” the doc looks him over and says “you’ve got Tom Jones syndrome” “is it a rare condition?” asks the man “well its not unusual” replies the doc!

2 ducks are on their honeymoon in a posh hotel. just as they are about to consumate the marrage, the male says “oh no, i dont have any condoms!” and promptly calls room service. “do you have any condoms?” he asks “yes sir” comes the reply” “good” says the duck “can you send some to our room?” “certainly sir” replies the clerk “would you like me to put them on your bill?” “dont be silly!”yells the duck “i’ll suffocate!

a blonde was pulled over by a cop.the cop asked why are you swerving so much?the blonde replies , well first when i turned a tree was there so i turned the other way but there also was a tree . then a whole bunch were popping out of nowhere!!.the cop replied, you idiot thats your air freshiner!!!

A midget walks into a bar trips over some shit left on the floor.
Luckily no one saw him, so to avoid embarrassment.
He doesn’t make a fuss about it.
So he goes to bar and orders a drink.
A few minutes later a big fella comes to the bar and trips over the same piece of shit.
The midget smiles and says, “I just did that”.
So the big fella comes over to the midget and knocks him out.

hey heres a blonde moment:

She heard that 90% of accidents happen around the home, so she moved!!!!

Heres one for Granger:
Did you hear about the magic tractor… it went down a hill and turned into a field.

A blonde is driving down the road and then she slams on her brakes because she was not watching and smacks into the back of some guy in a truck so the guy gets out and starts yelling at her and he gets so angry that he draws a circle in the sand on the side of the road and tells her he will hurt her if she gets out of the circle so he gets out a sledge hammer and starts smashing up her car and then he hears her laughing so he turns around and tells her to shut up then he continues smashing it and he