Lady By: Kenny Rogers

Lady, I'm your knight in shining armor and I love you
You have made me what I am and I am yours
My love, there's so many ways I want to say I love you
Let me hold you in my arms forever more

You have gone and made me such a fool
I'm so lost in your love
And oh, we belong together
Won't you believe in my song?

Lady, for so many years I thought I'd never find you
You have come into my life and made me whole
Forever let me wake to see you each and every morning
Let me hear you whisper softly in my ear

In my eyes I see no one else but you
There's no other love like our love
And yes, oh yes, I'll always want you near me
I've waited for you for so long

Lady, your love's the only love I need
And beside me is where I want you to be
'Cause, my love, there's somethin' I want you to know
You're the love of my life, you're my lady . . .

DOG DIARY

8:00AM - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30AM - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40AM - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30AM - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!



CAT DIARY

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.

I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

1. My Parents taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

2. My Parents taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My Parents taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

4. My Parents taught me LOGIC.

"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My Parents taught me MORE LOGIC.

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,you're not going to
the store with me."

6. My Parents taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My Parents taught me IRONY

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My Parents taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My Parents taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My Parents taught me about STAMINA.

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My Parents taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My Parents taught me about HYPOCRISY.

If I told you once, I've to ld you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My Parents taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My Parents taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.

"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My Parents taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."

16.My Parents taught me about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait until we get home."

17. My Parents taught me about RECEIVING.

"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My Parents taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way."

19. My Parents taught me ESP.

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My Parents taught me HUMOR.

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My Parents taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My Parents taught me GENETICS.

"You're just like your father."

23. My Parents taught me about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24.My Parents taught me WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My Parents taught me about JUSTICE.

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"