Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident and your husband is in
hospital.
________________________

A man walks into a pub. He is an alcoholic whose drinking problem is
destroying his family.

________________________

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge? She was
clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low
self-esteem.

________________________

What do you call a cat with no tail? A bobcat.

________________________

Why do undertakers wear ties? Because their profession is very serious,
and
it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.

________________________

How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb? One.

________________________

Why do women fake org@sms? Because they want to give men the impression
that they have climaxed.

________________________

Two men are sitting in a pub. One man turns to the other and says: 'Last
night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.'
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a pr0stitue to subsidise her
dr ug habit.'

________________________

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps
out
and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then
wanders
off.

________________________

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle? Because it would not be
financially
viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated
rainforest.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

Bishop Brennan: You will address me by my proper title, you little bollocks!

Dougal: Sorry Ted. I was concentrating too hard on looking holy.

Ted: They've taken the roads in.

Bishop Brennan: He DID kick me up the arse!

Jack: (judging a Wet T-shirt competition) More Water!

Dougal: God, Ted. D'you remember that feller who was so good at fashion they had to shoot him?

Father Clippit says a good long mass. Four hours he does. Since his stroke.

No. We're up in space doing important work for NASA.

Eoin McLove: You leave me alone. I could have you killed.

Jack: THAT WOULD BE AN ECUMENICAL MATTER! (WAV)

Dougal: I'm no good at judging the size of crowds Ted, but I'd say there's about seventeen million of them out there (WAV)

Dougal: It's like a great big tide of jam. But jam made out of... old women.

Mrs Doyle: Are you looking forward to your lunch tomorrow, Father?
Ted: Hmmm? I suppose so.
Mrs Doyle: You do like pheasant, don't you Father?
Ted: Pheasant? I love pheasant.
Mrs Doyle: Well there's a little clue. The thing you'll be eating likes pheasant as well.

I'm hungry. Where's the jam?

Dougal: The ants are back Ted!

You'd better get going, because milk gets sour. Unless it's UHT milk, but there's no demand for that. Because it's shite.

Eoin McLove: Go away! I don't want to catch menopause!

Ted: (to Richard Wilson) I don't beleeeeeeeeeve it!

Ted: Once again Dougal, you've made me look like a complete fool in front of real people. Thanks very much.
Dougal: To be honest Ted, I forgot you had the money. I was just going to tell you... your fly's open.

Ted: Dougal, how did you get into the church in the first place? Was it, like, 'collect 12 crisp packets and become a priest?'

Ted: The Chinese. A great bunch of lads!

Jack: I'm sooooo, sooooo, soooo sorry!
Ted: Now that's sarcasm.

Dougal: Hello there Len.
Bishop Brennan: Don't call me Len, you prick. Refer to me as 'Bishop Brennan'!
Dougal: Ah right you are there Len.

Dougal: God, I've heard about those cults Ted. People dressing up in black and saying Our Lord's going to come back and save us all.
Ted: No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.
Dougal: Oh right.

Dougal: Watch this, Ted. (rubs letters off blackboard) You see? You can rub off the letters.
Ted: But, Dougal, you can do that with any blackboard.
Dougal: What?

Ted: JUST PLAY THE F***ING NOTE!!!

Pat Mustard: I'm a very careful man, Father.
Ted: Except when it comes to taking precautions in the bedroom!
Pat: You're not advocating the use of artificial contraception now, are you?
Ted: Well, ye......well, no...well, naturally.....well, not really....well, of course you'd............JUST FECK OFF!

Ted: Dougal, don't you think that if we put this baby's moustache, this baby's head hair and this baby's sideboards together we'd get....Pat Mustard?
Dougal: D'you think the babies could be copying his style?
Ted: No, Dougal, I think Pat Mustard's been delivering more than just dairy products, if you see what I mean.
Dougal: Yes.......well........er...y..well
 .......yes.
Ted: Do you?
Dougal: No.

Dougal: Those women were in the nip! (WAV)

Jack: I love my brick! (WAV)

Mrs Doyle: Pat was just wondering if he could put his massive tool in my box.

Ted: Dougal, have you been drinking?
Dougal: Yes Ted. I've been drinking like a mad eejit. (stage wink at Father Stack) I mean, no. I haven't. (WAV)

Dougal: As if magic, I can create a big crowd of invisible ducks.

Dougal: How come all the rocks are different sizes?

Ted: Sheep, like all wool-bearing animals, instinctively travel north, where it's colder, and they won't be so stuffy.

Dougal: Can I stay up tonight to watch the scary film?
Ted: Ah, no no no. The last time you stayed up to watch a scary film you ended up having to sleep in my bed. I wouldn't mind, but it wasn't even a scary film.
Dougal: Come on, Ted. A Volkswagen with a mind of its own. If that isn't scary, I d