SWAY- THIS IS MY DOCU-MO-TERY
BBEESSSTT NITE OF THE YEAR!!! starts off with going to dominos...SHITTEEEEE ''yours prices are nutz... we're goin to a decent pizza shop'' went to cheap kebab shop.. crazy turkish guy that believe the world is fukd up already!! oh bt nt bfore jumpin out of d way of a blind guy wif a stick that fails to feel d fact that a car is in his way and tries to plough through it... theen after getting our pizza second blind lady gets off d bus...fraz-''wtf! edinburgh, the blind capital of scotland ayyee??'' wlkin bk to the car.. fraser jst cumin outa of a corner shop-''have you ever just walkd into a place n its reakin of shite??''LOOLLL!! walkin by dominos with pizza in hand..ayyee fuk ur prices!!! ''here you wif the tits.... want pumpd??!! rachids flat is a foookin dive!! at trafic lights ''excuse me.............ur haacckkeetttt!!'' finaly find where we're supposed to be goin n park up, decide to wlk into voodoo rooms to find out hw we get our tickets...


look to my right n see that sway is jst sitting having his dinner... mo then runs like a lil girl to the boys...'frasseerrr frraaaazzz.... sway is havin is fookin diner up dere!!!' go up n i steal a poster off the wall, black guy walks through... mo- ''hw u doin big guy'' black guy-''hey man im kobi'' mo-''im mo mate hws ur night?'' kobi-''yea good you cumin for the gig?'' mo-''yea def! u n sway fancy signin sum stuf for me n my mates n givin us a picture?' kobi-''yea mo no wories'' sit in the bar buyin 4quid barcadi n cokes just to pass the time... look up kobi gives the nod for us to cum through. GET PICTURES AND POSTER SIGNED BY SWAY ''BIG UP TO MO..YOUR LARGE G SWAY'' fraser not able to walk to the table.. priceless at the end of the gig...sway ''rite we've got 5 limited edition tshirts'' MO-2 FRASER-1 FRAZ-1 oh n according to the 5ft bouncer.. being hard isnt about bein big!! mhhmmm!


fraser pretending to car jack the ppl in the corola then asking for directions (that were shite) ''oh btw you have a break light out!'' drive about... more abuse getin shouted at the funy talking people! get to liquid rooms that according to fraser ''the music is fukin months old'' 'barman-'oh we dont have any cider.. or orange juice.'' fraser-'' aye u dont have bloody much pal do ya?'' police questioning wasted guy outside... fraser-'' aye in glasgo is bloody simple..'' ''you fukd?'' ''aye'' ''rite ya prik, getin the van'' hahaha!! the ned at the petrol station with the grey and 'canary yellow' tracksuit!! fraser doing a pish then mo moving the car so that the lights were on him.. fraser-''aye iw as goin to helicoptr u, bt i forgot i was doin a pish''


SINGIN TO BOB MARLEY AALLL THEE WAAYYY HOMEE!!!! AMMAAAZZZINNNGGG fraser-' aye mo you wouldnt get this singin wif fraz!'' get back to glasggoooooo mo-''fraser i wnt a pic of my car next to those fairy lighted trees'' took sum pics...fraser stole a sign... ''aye its alright mo... there catholic its ok to steal from them''!! LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLL!!

1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

10. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

11. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are drunk However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

12. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

13. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

14. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

15. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

16. TAKING OUT 200 POUNDS FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

17. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

18. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

19. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

20. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

21. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"

22. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.

6.00: G-Had TV.
Morning prayers.

8.30: Talitubbies.
Talitubbies say "Eh-oh". Dipsy and Tinky-Winky repair a Stinger missile launcher.

9.00: Shouts of Praise.
More prayers.

11.00: Jihad's Army.
The Kandahar-on-Sea battalion repulse another attack by evil, imperialist, Zionist backed infidels.

12.00: Ready, Steady, Jihad!
Celebrities make lethal devices out of everyday objects.

12.30: Panoramadan.
The programme reports on America's attempts to take over the world.

13.30: Xena.
Modestly dressed housewife Xena stays at home and does some cooking.

14.00: Only Fools and Camels.
Dhal-Boy offloads some Chinese rocket launchers to Hamas.

14.30: Green Peter.
The total of Kalashnikovs bought by the milk bottle top appeal is revealed.

15.00: Madrasah Challenge.
Two more Islamic colleges meet. Bambah Kaskhain asks the questions. 'Starter for ten, no praying.'

15.30: I Love 629.
A look back at the events of the year, including the Prophet's entry into Mecca, and the destruction of pagan idols.

16.00: Question Time.
Members of the public face questions from political and religious leaders.

17.00: Koranation Street.
Deirdrie faces execution by stoning for adultery.

17.30: Middle-East Enders.
The entire cast is jailed for unislamic behaviour.

18.00: Holiday.
The team go on pilgrimage to Mecca. Again.

18.30: Top of the Prophets.
Will the Koran be No.1 for the 63,728th week running?

19.00: Who wants to be a Mujahadin?
Mahmoud Tarran asks the questions. Will contestants phone a mullah, go 'inshallah', or ask the Islamic council?

20.00: FILM: Shariah's Angels.
The three burkha-clad sleuths go undercover to expose an evil scheme to educate women.

21.30: Big Brother.
Who will be taken out of the house and executed this week?

22.30: Shahs in their Eyes.
More hopefuls imitate famous destroyers of the infidel.

23.30: They think it's Allah over.
Quiz culminating in the 'Don't feel the Mullah' round.

Midnight: When Imams Attack.
Amusing footage shot secretly in mosques. The filmers were also secretly shot.

00:.30: The West Bank Show.
Arts programme looking at anti-Israel graffiti art in the occupied territories.

01.30: Bhuffi the Infidel Slayer.

02.00: A book at bedtime.
The Koran. Again.