Father Fitzpatrick: And this is the last known photo of Herr Hitler; he's signing a few death warrants there.
Ted: Funny how you get more right-wing as you get older!

Jack: DON'T TELL ME I'M STILL ON THAT FECKIN' ISLAND!!!

Bishop Brennan: You will address me by my proper title, you little bollocks!

Ted: Hello, is that the Yin dynasty? Family, sorry, the Yin family.

Dougal: Sorry Ted. I was concentrating too hard on looking holy.

Ted: They've taken the roads in.

Bishop Brennan: He DID kick me up the arse!

Father Fitzpatrick: You left the cyanide capsules next to the Valium, you old fool. That's just asking for trouble!

Jack: (judging a Wet T-shirt competition) More Water!

Jack: ARSEBISCUITS! (WAV)

Jack: A PAIR OF FECKIN' WOMEN'S KNICKERS! (WAV)

Dougal: God, Ted. D'you remember that feller who was so good at fashion they had to shoot him?

Father Clippit says a good long mass. Four hours he does. Since his stroke.

No. We're up in space doing important work for NASA.

Eoin McLove: You leave me alone. I could have you killed.

Jack: THAT WOULD BE AN ECUMENICAL MATTER! (WAV)

Dougal: I'm no good at judging the size of crowds Ted, but I'd say there's about seventeen million of them out there (WAV)

Dougal: It's like a great big tide of jam. But jam made out of... old women.

Mrs Doyle: Are you looking forward to your lunch tomorrow, Father?
Ted: Hmmm? I suppose so.
Mrs Doyle: You do like pheasant, don't you Father?
Ted: Pheasant? I love pheasant.
Mrs Doyle: Well there's a little clue. The thing you'll be eating likes pheasant as well.

I'm hungry. Where's the jam?

Dougal: The ants are back Ted!

You'd better get going, because milk gets sour. Unless it's UHT milk, but there's no demand for that. Because it's shite.

Eoin McLove: Go away! I don't want to catch menopause!

Ted: (to Richard Wilson) I don't beleeeeeeeeeve it!

Ted: Once again Dougal, you've made me look like a complete fool in front of real people. Thanks very much.
Dougal: To be honest Ted, I forgot you had the money. I was just going to tell you... your fly's open.

Ted: Dougal, how did you get into the church in the first place? Was it, like, 'collect 12 crisp packets and become a priest?'

Ted: The Chinese. A great bunch of lads!

Jack: I'm sooooo, sooooo, soooo sorry!
Ted: Now that's sarcasm.

Dougal: Hello there Len.
Bishop Brennan: Don't call me Len, you prick. Refer to me as 'Bishop Brennan'!
Dougal: Ah right you are there Len.

Dougal: God, I've heard about those cults Ted. People dressing up in black and saying Our Lord's going to come back and save us all.
Ted: No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.
Dougal: Oh right.

Dougal: Watch this, Ted. (rubs letters off blackboard) You see? You can rub off the letters.
Ted: But, Dougal, you can do that with any blackboard.
Dougal: What?

Ted: JUST PLAY THE F***ING NOTE!!!

Pat Mustard: I'm a very careful man, Father.
Ted: Except when it comes to taking precautions in the bedroom!
Pat: You're not advocating the use of artificial contraception now, are you?
Ted: Well, ye......well, no...well, naturally.....well, not really....well, of course you'd............JUST FECK OFF!

Ted: Dougal, don't you think that if we put this baby's moustache, this baby's head hair and this baby's sideboards together we'd get....Pat Mustard?
Dougal: D'you think the babies could be copying his style?
Ted: No, Dougal, I think Pat Mustard's been delivering more than just dairy products, if you see what I mean.
Dougal: Yes.......well........er...y..well
 .....
..yes.
Ted: Do you?
Dougal: No.

Dougal: Those women were in the nip! (WAV)

Jack: I love my brick! (WAV)

Mrs Doyle: Pat was just wondering if he could put his massive tool in my box.

Ted: Dougal, have you been drinking?
Dougal: Yes Ted. I've been drinking like a mad eejit. (stage wink at Father Stack) I mean, no. I haven't. (WAV)

Dougal: As if magic, I can create a big cro

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

What if the hokey pokey REALLY is what it's all about?

If swimming is such good exercise why are whales so fat?

If Barbie is so popular why do you need to buy her friends?

In a country of free speach why is there fone bills?

How much can you get away with and still go to heaven?

Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected' make the unexpected expected?

If anyone ever got addicted to councilling how could you treat them?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick in the bottle?

Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

What is the speed of dark?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?

If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?

Can you cry under water?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up, like every 10 minutes?

If a stealth bomber crashes into a skyscraper during rush hour will anybody notice?

What would God see if He took acid?

Early one mornin' while makin' the rounds
I took a shot of cocaine and I shot my woman down
I went right home and I went to bed
I stuck that lovin' .44 beneath my head

Got up next mornin' and I grabbed that gun
Took a shot of cocaine and away I run
Made a good run but I ran too slow
They overtook me down in Juarez, Mexico

Late in the hot joints takin' the pills
In walked the sheriff from Jericho Hill
He said Willy Lee your name is not Jack Brown
You're the dirty heck that shot your woman down

Said yes, oh yes my name is Willy Lee
If you've got the warrant just a-read it to me
Shot her down because she made me sore
I thought I was her daddy but she had five more

When I was arrested I was dressed in black
They put me on a train and they took me back
Had no friend for to go my bail
They slapped my dried up carcass in that county jail

Early next mornin' bout a half past nine
I spied the sheriff coming down the line
Ah, and he coughed as he cleared his throat
He said come on you dirty heck into that district court

Into the courtroom my trial began
Where I was handled by twelve honest men
Just before the jury started out
I saw the little judge commence to look about

In about five minutes in walked the man
Holding the verdict in his right hand
The verdict read murder in the first degree
I hollered Lawdy Lawdy, have a mercy on me

The judge he smiled as he picked up his pen
99 years in the Folsom pen
99 years underneath that ground
I can't forget the day I shot that bad bitch down

Come on you've gotta listen unto me
Lay off that whiskey and let that cocaine be